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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send BIL a Christmas gift wishlist

58 replies

Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:40

Forgive me for mentioning the C word in September. Present exchange with BIL last year was a bit of a disaster. We got him an expensive video game he had previously expressed interest in but has since told us he has never played. He got us mugs (fine) and...cat flea collars!

Of course we are adults and don't have to exchange gifts this year but we would like to give him something while avoiding the awkwardness of last year. WIBU to send him some reasonably priced suggestions of gifts DH and I would like and ask him for suggestions of gifts he would like to avoid any more misunderstandings? Or should I just suggest we don't exchange gifts this year?

OP posts:
FavaBeanPyramidScheme · 17/09/2014 14:13

+1 thumbwitch. That's what I do. Ask for lists because I hate giving crap presents and then give suggestions to anyone who asks for them.

YellowTulips · 17/09/2014 14:21

Just agree to both stop wasting money and send a card?

It doesn't sound like either side get any pleasure from the current set up.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/09/2014 14:22

Knock the presents on the head or suggest a charity present instead eg: chickens from Oxfam that sort of thing?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/09/2014 15:31

Ooh yes, someone like this I'd give them an Oxfam "Gift a Goat" type certificate (it's a gift, he's an adult, he can't argue without being churlish But I wanted a cashmere scarf not for THEM to have a goat doesn't go down well)

Or re-gift the flea-collars, especially if he doesn't have cats.

Fudgeface123 · 17/09/2014 15:34

You're adults, it's not about giving to receive. I only buy for my mum and my O/H, don't get buying for all the adults in the family really

KoalaDownUnder · 17/09/2014 16:52

God no, don't do that. Unsolicited gift lists are totally tacky.

I really don't understand your finding the cat collars 'upsetting'. He probably thought, oh, cute collars for their cats, perfect! I doubt he even considered the 'flea' function; or perhaps he thought all cat collars has flea repellant in them. It wouldn't occur to me to take it as a comment on the state of my pets or home! Confused

greenfolder · 17/09/2014 17:58

can you just agree not to do gifts? just do presents for kids? or do what a friend of mine did and agree only things you could get for free? She got her mum a signed photo of Boris Johnson- now that is just genius!

redexpat · 17/09/2014 18:05

I am clearly in the minority. The op isnt being ungrateful, but i sense is rhe type of person who puts time, thought and effort into buying appropriate gifts that the receiver will like. It is how she shows that she cares. But not everyone expresses love in that way, so when she receives love in the form of crap ill thought out presents she feels hurt. I bet you feel really loved by dh when he does something to make your life easier. Am I bang on the mark or on another planet?

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 18:45

That sounds about right expat. It is the thought that matters to me, not the money.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 18:50

He is taking the piss. You're being lovely and thoughtful where he's gone into Asda on Christmas Eve and just grabbed something.

I'd just say to him that you don't want to exchange presents this year. He won't have given it a thought anyway.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/09/2014 21:22

I have a ginormous family and we don't do presents for anyone except the kids and only then if they are godchildren. They get Santa stuff and presents from godparents and parents. That's more than enough.

DH's family all exchange individual presents, many ill thought out tat or the inevitable box of smelly stuff and you end up spending tons (and receiving stuff you take to Oxfam) even though his family are a third the size of mine. It's a total chore and it bugs me senseless.

You have my sympathies OP. I'd much rather receive nothing or a box of biscuits than random toiletries!

Bulbasaur · 17/09/2014 21:28

Me and DB had this problem too for a little bit. We'd get each other stuff we didn't really like until one year we were sick of getting useless gifts. So we just started asking each other what we wanted. He gets something he likes, I get something I like. Everyone has a good holiday.

There's nothing wrong with it as long as both parties are enthusiastically on board.

Personally, I hate it when I ask someone what they want and they say "anything you get is fine". I genuinely want to get them something they want because I like them, but I don't want to go on a pointless quest to pick out the perfect gift without some sort of guideline.

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2014 21:36

Sorry to high jack, OP.

Did you go ahead with the charity head shave today?

I can't see an update on the thread.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 18/09/2014 10:16

Yes I did. I wasn't sure whether I should post on that thread again but I eventually updated it last night. The head shave went very well, I love my new look. I've raised over £300 for Macmillan so far.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 10:21

Well done op on doing the head shave, you raised £300 which is fantastic amount. I second saying no to the giftlist its crass and in bad taste. If he gives you a present you don't like, charity it.

HolgerDanske · 18/09/2014 10:39

I think when gifts start to go awry like this it's better just to say, hey, you know what, let's not do gifts anymore.

fairnotfair · 18/09/2014 11:06

BIL and SIL always give me lovely presents. But their presents to DH are almost invariably crap. We have no idea why, but it's now a (private) longstanding joke between DH and me, and we look forward to seeing what it is.

One year, BIL and SIL sadly got burgled just before Christmas. All the presents were stolen. Except for DH's present... even the burglars didn't want it! Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2014 11:11

Do not exchange gifts this year. And I think what he gave you was a dig at you.

PistolWhipped · 18/09/2014 11:14

Can we see a picture of your head?

enjoyingscience · 18/09/2014 11:18

BIL always sends us (unrequested) an amazon gift list with nothing worth less than £40 on it. It's mainly PS3 games and complex board game/role play things. Last year he bought us, as a joint present, some mango balsalmic vinegar. It was not the fancy sort.

His mother buys 'his' presents for the DC every year.

He is 36, married and has a job.

I know this is nothing to do with the thread, but I really had to get it off my chest. This year, he's getting the '3' from the boots 3 for 2.

PistolWhipped · 18/09/2014 11:23

Blimey, enjoying science, what a cock.

firesidechat · 18/09/2014 11:25

I'm afraid that we are very pragmatic in our family. We don't have gift lists, but we do ask each other what we would like for Christmas. Our grown up children get a combination of something they have asked for and a few inexpensive surprises.

We stopped doing sibling presents, by mutual agreement, once the next generation came along and only buy for nieces and nephews until they reach adulthood. So we buy for our children, our parents, each other and one nephew. It seems to work for us and takes some of the pressure off.

Personally I wouldn't send a gift list unless asked to because it seems a bit grabby even if it isn't.

enjoyingscience · 18/09/2014 11:29

Thanks pistol. He really is!

At least we don't see him very often. He spent all Christmas day last year in his (old, at his parents) room assembling his board game, and got reasonably huffy when he had to come and eat dinner. I wish I was joking.

Well done on the headshave OP!

Anotherchapter · 18/09/2014 11:30

Jesus my MIL is the same!!!

She is 60 and gives us a fucking wish list. It's grabby and obscene. It will not be happening this year!

I can not get my head around adults getting excited or let down with gifts of other family members. You should have seen her cats bum mouth when she opened one of our surprise presents. She picked it up with two fingers like if was dog shit and placed it on the floor by her feet- then left it there and went home with out it.

Oh will she get a shock this year. She also tells you how much she has spent on our gift and offers suggestions for hers for the same price Shock

Horrible.