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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he should have come straight away

81 replies

inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 00:37

If you lived in a new area and didnt know many people and had no family nearby would you expect your dh to come straight away (from work) to the hospital if your dc (under 1 yr) had had an accident involving a broken limb possibly needing operation to pin and you were there with your injured dc plus your other 2 pre school dc?

If they chose to finish their working day before heading home a few hts down the line having only sent a text saying 'hope X is ok'. Would you be happy with that? I wasn't. Dh didnt think it was necessary to excuse himself and tbh it caused a huge bruise in our relationship. I felt completely on my own. It was actually a long time ago but recent relationship troubles has made me think about this and i wondered if i expected too much. Was i unreasonable expecting him to come straight away not stroll in at the end of the day?

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 00:40

was his job one that he could easily excuse himself? did you tell him you wanted him there right away? did he turn up at the hospital straight after work?

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 17/08/2014 00:40

I would expect him straight away,and would be very annoyed if he didn't .YANBU

lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 00:41

Yanbu. However, how did the communication go about said injury?

Perhaps he didn't realise you or DC needed him?

steff13 · 17/08/2014 00:42

For a broken limb, I wouldn't expect him to come, I would just keep him apprised of the situation. If he ended up needing an operation, I would want my husband to come then, just to comfort me, though. If he was unable to get away for some reason, I'd suck it up I suppose.

Was it a new job? Did he have leave time available? Regardless, I'd expect him to come straight over after work.

puntasticusername · 17/08/2014 00:43

Normally I would say it depends on his work and how easy it would be for him to get away at no notice. Obviously some jobs, and employers make this easier than others.

Given the childcare situation - yes, YWNBU to expect him to make EVERY possible effort to get there ASAP to comfort his children and support you.

CiderwithBuda · 17/08/2014 00:43

If he wasn't a brain surgeon or similar then yes I would have expected him to come. Or at least call and ask if yu needed him.

My DH took a 3 hour train journey to London and then on to Heathrow to fly to Frankfurt for a meeting. Half way to Heathrow he texted me to see what was happening and I mentioned that our dogs had escaped yet again but were currently home safe and I was keeping them in. He (without being asked) cancelled meeting in Frankfurt, travelled back to paddingtin and then back home. Not asked. He just figured. Sounded like I neded support.

Only1scoop · 17/08/2014 00:43

Yanbu I'd expect them there ASAP

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 00:46

He was a regional manager for a charity and once a month all the reg managers met up to discuss stuff at various places. That day he was 2 hours away. He chose to text, wait another 2 hours til they finished and then drove home. He would have had around 20 missed calls from me and text with what was happening. Mostly i needed him there to care for other 2 dc 2 and 4 at the time and obviously the support would gave been appreciated too.

OP posts:

Singsongmama · 17/08/2014 00:47

YANBU. I'd have taken him up on it at the time. He might not appreciate you digging up history but it's probably worth getting it off your chest if it grates on you so badly.

RJnomore · 17/08/2014 00:49

I'm not sure tbh. If I felt I couldn't necessarily add to the situation I may have stayed at work - but that's just me.

LadyLemongrab · 17/08/2014 00:52

2 preschoolers? Yes, he bloody well should have been there.

MrsRuffdiamond · 17/08/2014 00:55

Had you asked him to leave work to help you, or did you just expect him to know that's what you would want him to do?

I only say that because sometimes things which I assume are blindingly obvious don't seem to occur to my dh, and when I tackle him about it, he'll say "why didn't you just say so?"

I think with children the ages that yours were, YANBU to have wanted some support in such a stressful situation, but maybe you should have spelled it out to him?

Original poster

inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 01:01

I did bring it up at the time. It caused a huge strain on our marriage in the end mostly because dh couldnt see what the problem was. I explained at the time i had felt out of my depth, trying to deal with the injured baby plus a 2 and 4 yr old and all the time thinking he'd be on his way. I had to ask people i barely knew for help assuring them dh will be home just he has a 2 hr drive and actually he was sitting there with his collegues chatting and admits he didnt even mention what was happening because he 'knew i was dealing with it'.

It just makes me realise how different we are. My 7 yo just broke her arm. Dh rang and left message on my phone (in a complete panic) whilst i was i town doing food shop. I left trolley full of paid for food with the store and got to hospital begore they did. I cant imagine doing anything else. And im not saying im a better parent , i deserve a medal or any shit like that, i am merely comparing the way our minds work.

OP posts:

lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:08

God no, yanbu. If he sat about with colleague after 20 missed calls and only text you... Id be livid. Plus 2 and 4 year old in tow. Fuck! What an arse.

Reading that though I would think he'd done very little alone childcare. If he had, and he'd realise what a horrible situation you'd have been in and that you needed him. I'd piss off and leave him to it much more to make him realise.

HicDraconis · 17/08/2014 01:10

I wouldn't be able to leave work if one of my children broke a limb - DH is the sahp and I would trust him to be able to deal with it. I'd leave as soon as I could but my job isn't one I can just drop and go. I'd be very very concerned about what type of accident could result in an infant breaking a limb though - would have had some words with DH about how on earth it could have happened.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/08/2014 02:31

Wow hic so you wouldn't go and you'd tell of your partner! Thats different.

TheysayIamparanoid · 17/08/2014 02:38

He was not acting like a decent human being YANBU At All!

thicketofstars · 17/08/2014 02:45

YNBU
You had every right to be very hurt and annoyed. Your dp blew it massively that day. As to whether this is part of a much bigger problem for both generally, or if circumstances collided to produce a bit of a misunderstanding - I don't know. Your dp sounds a nasty person but then men are good at being clueness and looking much nastier than they ever meant to be. I think you should talk to a counsellor about the significance of this memory and why it has resurfaced now.

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 03:01

YANBU at all OP, he was just a bit too indifferent to both you and your DCs welfare for my liking.

If he couldn't get away then he should have rung and asked you how you were/what was going on/how your DC are/could he do anything for you.

But a text?? Oh, uh, thanks for the concern

Fucking hell, you'd 'have some words' with your DH if one of your DC broke a bone hic? It sounds as though you'd blame your DH for any accidents, you know that would be a very unreasonable response to your DC being hurt in his care?

Either your expectations of what it is to be a parent are skewed or he isn't up to looking after them.

If you don't trust your DH how can you leave your DC with him?

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 03:04

I might have read it wrong thicket, but I think the OP was saying it'd resurfaced because she was comparing how she reacted to their 7 YO just breaking their arm to how her DH reacted when another of her DC broke something?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/08/2014 03:13

I think it's not about the lack of his physical presence. I think it is the total lack of concern and care and utter lack of support about the situation. OP I imagine if he had been stuck at work, still not able to come to you, but texting under the table every 15 minutes - "How is he?" "What did the doc say?" "Let me text my sister, she might be able to help" "Are you ok?" " I'll be there as soon as I can" etc that would have been much easier to bear.

momnipotent · 17/08/2014 03:34

This is interesting. When my youngest broke his arm I sat at the hospital for about 4 hours or so with three other kids in tow. I called DH and told him what was happening but didn't want or expect him to leave work, there was nothing to be gained by him being there as well! He came when he finished work but we were just leaving the hospital by then.

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 03:45

It's great you didn't feel you needed your DHs support mom, but the OP did.

Would your DH have offered support if he knew his youngest was in pain and probably scared?

Lweji · 17/08/2014 03:56

Did you actually tell him at the time that you needed him to go and help you?
You probably sounded in control and he didn't think you needed him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/08/2014 07:02

It does sound like he was flakey that day. I would be clear with DH about what I wanted, although I think he would have the sense to offer support/assistance.

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