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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should have come straight away

81 replies

inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 00:37

If you lived in a new area and didnt know many people and had no family nearby would you expect your dh to come straight away (from work) to the hospital if your dc (under 1 yr) had had an accident involving a broken limb possibly needing operation to pin and you were there with your injured dc plus your other 2 pre school dc?

If they chose to finish their working day before heading home a few hts down the line having only sent a text saying 'hope X is ok'. Would you be happy with that? I wasn't. Dh didnt think it was necessary to excuse himself and tbh it caused a huge bruise in our relationship. I felt completely on my own. It was actually a long time ago but recent relationship troubles has made me think about this and i wondered if i expected too much. Was i unreasonable expecting him to come straight away not stroll in at the end of the day?

OP posts:
Mumof3xox · 17/08/2014 07:13

Yanbu

I would be livid!

Sirzy · 17/08/2014 07:19

I think leaving a trolley of paid for shopping is ott. I think not bothering to call you at least was unfair. However, as he was in work in what sounded like a pretty important meeting then no I wouldn't expect him to drop everything to be there unless it was an emergency situation.just to get there as a soon as he possibly could and to provide as much support as he could from a distance.

Holfin · 17/08/2014 07:20

I would have absolutely expected him to get there ASAP. DH was in hospital recently waiting to seen and I was there along with my 1 and 3 year old. That was very stressful and that was 2 adults and 2 children. I cannot imagine managing alone with 3 children in hospital.

5madthings · 17/08/2014 07:22

I think given you had other children there Yanbu. And it sounds like he could have let his colleagues know the situation and have left.

It is difficult though my dp does a job where he cannot just leave, there would have to be a real emergency and even then they would have to get someone in to cover him. His colleagues would sort something.

Because of this I have done a&e trips on my own and often with all 5madthings. But if one needed an operation then he would arrange to get there asap.

He would also have told his colleagues and would be texting/ trying to get help.

Tenementfunster · 17/08/2014 08:55

Maybe his reaction this time round reflects how he feels he messed up the first time round with the 1 yo

googoodolly · 17/08/2014 09:07

It's tricky. DP couldn't leave work straight away whereas I could, so it depends on the circumstances, I guess.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 09:48

My dd broke her arm when at a toddler play centre with soft mats and little tikes slides etc designed for babies and young kids. It was a freak accident when she had just started to walk. Not some kind of neglect so i really don't think dh should have 'had a word' with me ffs.

Dh is generally flakey. It causes huge problems esp because he doesn't think he is.

I left my shopping because my trolley was full of meat and frozen things and we live 25 miles from town so i would have either wasted the food as would have sat in hot car all day or would have had to waste a lot of time doing a 45 min journey home and then back to town to hospital when my dd would be wanting her mum. Shop were great and kept my stuff in cool room.

Dh and i have had counselling. This issue came up but now he just gets pissed off that i am 'still bringing that up'. Problem for me is he says he thinks he did the right thing and is 'sorry that i felt like he didnt'. It is still an issue because there is no understanding there.

OP posts:
PenisesAreNotPink · 17/08/2014 09:52

Not if he was 2 hours away. Sounds like a crappy day all round though.

ArgyMargy · 17/08/2014 09:53

YANBU at all. I would have been massively stressed by this and needing him there. But perhaps he felt you were coping and he wouldn't have been much use? Some men have no idea how stressful it can be looking after young children in controlled environments.

Nicknacky · 17/08/2014 09:56

How long ago was this?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 10:04

That is his reasoning, he 'knew i would be dealing with it'.

It was 4 years ago! But has come up again because of other issues and it was definitely a turning point in our relationship. I felt really let down by him and almost like i could trust him to make the right call. Things have never improved really. I actually felt like i had a bit of a break down following this period.

Recently my other dd broke her arm (they are defo trying to push me over the edge!! She was at a friends house before anyone suggests i need telling off Hmm ) And like i said i went straight to hospital but dh has at least twice asked dd how she feels he coped/dealt with the situation. Like he wants to be praised for 'dealing' with it. This is not helping how i feel about past events. For a start dd was 7 and other dc 10 and 5 and I got to the hospital before they did. Completely different situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 10:05

couldn't trust him to make the right call

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 10:08

It is almost like dh thinks if he dealt with this situation it negates how much distress the situation 4 years ago caused me.

OP posts:
Ihavenoideawhereitis · 17/08/2014 10:15

I can see that the whole situation would have been very stressful for you, being at the hospital looking after three children in a new town.

But your dh was in a reasonably important meeting by the sounds of it and two hours away, so no, I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything to come and check on things. I would have expected him to come as soon as the meeting was ove though. He sounds a bit flaky as you say, so was probably being a bit thoughtless. If he doesn't do a lot of hands on individual childcare then he may have believed you could cope on your own, and his being there would have not added to the situation.

I think you need to consider why you feel you cannot let this go, as you have said that it was a long time ago. If you've pointed out how you felt at the time, and he realises how you expect him to respond in that sort of situation then that should be an end to it. If you don't think he would act any differently in that sort of situation now, and it is still upsetting to you, then you probably need to consider the whole relationship.

cardibach · 17/08/2014 10:28

inmyshoos you say he was n a meeting of regional managers, then you say "he was sitting there with his colleagues chatting". He wasn't just chatting, though, was he? It was a meeting. I think perhaps the way you characterise his work is affecting your view.
YWNBU to want more support, but I think YWBU to expect it. If I was in a work meeting you could phone and text several hundred times and I wouldn't know as my phone would be off/on silent. It isn't always possible to answer or make calls at work.

KnackeredMuchly · 17/08/2014 10:28

Occasionally DH and I have a disconnect between reasonable and unreasonable behaviour. Almost all ways I have a supportive dependable husband. One in 500 times he is a bit of a dick, and yes, struggles to see the issue.

I think, 7 years on, that if this is what you are pinning your resentment on that you are not doing too bad overall.

I wonder if this is still a strong irritation in your mind because you just don't like him very much and it's a good reason to pinpoint?

Be honest to yourself

FraidyCat · 17/08/2014 10:46

If I'd been him, I would not have come unless explicitly told I was needed. I'm not a doctor, and OP normally copes with looking after three children.

Having said that, I might have deduced from 20 missed calls that there was some urgency. However if I only saw the missed calls after the meeting, they wouldn't have made any difference to when I arrived. It doesn't seem unreasonable that a personal phone would be turned off during a work meeting.

fun1nthesun · 17/08/2014 10:49

He is, I would think probably being lazy, letting you take the brunt of the work.

However, he should have come to see you - if the child stays in one parent has to be there at all times, so the other has to take the kids.

He might not have known this at that time. Obviously it must have been very traumatic especially given the age of the DC with a broken leg.

Is this a theme in your relationship? Has he regularly left you to carry the can?

Going forward, do you want to stay in a relationship? Because if you do, you are going to have to talk about it/ come to an agreement and get over it, or there won't be much of a marriage left to save.

Do you need him to say sorry? Make changes? Is it that he doesn't care enough to do those things?

LayMeDown · 17/08/2014 10:49

I would expect DH to come as soon as he could in this situation. But I would have told him this as his default position is not to leve work if he can possibly avoid it. Did you actually ask him to leave?
I would have only expected him to come to take the older two, as I wouldn't want them hanging around an a&e and loads of sick people.
I would certainly have expected more than a text. I would have been pissed off at the time but I don't think I'd still be nursing it four years on. I think you need to let it go.

ContinentalKat · 17/08/2014 10:58

I agree with Lweji, you should have told your dh that you needed him there.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 17/08/2014 11:20

It is a theme in our marriage that i carry responsibility for more than him. He is flakey by nature although doesnt see this himself.

Like at the moment after a huge fight i have taken the dc away for a few days to get some head space. I had to text him to say he needs to get pet food and i resisted giving too much detail despite knowing it would be absolutely possible/likely he will buy the wrong food and the animals will get the shits. He does stuff like that all the time. Once when he worked away all week i asked would he get dog food on way home. He went to a different shop for the food because the usual one was ten mins out of his way. Fast forward 2 days later i came home from my part time job with my 2yo in tow 28 weeks preg to a sea of shit. Dogs had jumped the stair gate to flee from it and there was shit everywhere. I spent more than 4 hours cleaning washing etc while dh was sitting having a peaceful meal paid for by work in a hotel. So his saving 10 mins cost me 4 hours cleaning up shit. This is just a typical day!
I know my dh loves me and he is a good guy but sometimes he drives me to despair.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/08/2014 11:43

YANBU, I would have expected my DH to come home in that situation, and I know he would have done. I can understand why it still bothers you, it is just the most dramatic example of an ongoing problem.

If this incident had given him a major wakeup call and he had changed his 'flakiness', then it would be unfair for you to keep harping on it. But he hasn't changed and doesn't even admit he did anything wrong.

I think it's interesting you call it being flakey, the things he does. It's kind of euphemistic. If you were going to be brutally honest, what would you really call it?

BonnieBlueButler · 17/08/2014 11:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It sounds like a horribly stressful situation for you. I would have expected my DH to leave work if at all possible. His family needed him.

I can see why you felt let down and why this would continue to bother you a number of years later, especially as he still doesn't seem to think it should be an issue.

HayDayQueen · 17/08/2014 11:54

My DH would probably have come home automatically unless really important meeting, but more importantly, he'd have left the meeting, called me and checked to see what was going on and whether he was needed.

Then he'd have kept his phone visible for the rest if the meeting so he could see any txt updates, telling colleagues WHY he was doing that.

minibmw2010 · 17/08/2014 12:08

When my DS broke his arm DH was in Birmingham at a seminar that he was hosting, he couldn't leave but he sent me messages and rang constantly for updates. I know if he'd been in London as usual he'd have come home. However I think the problem here is the OP needed some help with the other children and some moral support at least, if not physical support and her DH have neither.