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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm sorry for X, but you.."

69 replies

BunnyPotter · 28/07/2014 13:35

AIBU that if you apologise for something above - especially if it's something quite big you're apologising for - then saying the words "I'm sorry" and following them with what the other person did/does wrong isn't really an apology? It's actually putting the blame on the other person? In the same way that when someone says, "I don't mean to be rude, but.." they're almost always about to be rude!

OP posts:
Original poster
BunnyPotter · 28/07/2014 13:35

*should start: If you apologise for something using the phrase above..

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 28/07/2014 13:37

YANBU at all. DH does this a lot and I always cut him off at the pass by telling him it's not a proper apology and that all I really want to hear is 'I am sorry for XXX' followed by NO WORDS AT ALL.

He manages it but 'tis a struggle Grin

temporarilyjerry · 28/07/2014 13:37

YANBU. As Dr Phil says 'but' negates all that come before it.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 28/07/2014 13:39

YANBU. Same can also be said for "I'm sorry that you feel I upset you/I'm sorry you took what I said that way" that also basically putting the blame back onto the person you offended/upset by implying it was their own fault they got upset!

mrscog · 28/07/2014 13:41

Yes, I agree. I used to do this, but it's a pet hate of DH's so I've had to work my way out of doing it. The key is getting all your reasoning/arguing out of the way before the apology so:

'Yes DH, sorry I snapped at you over the washing up but I was hot, tired and stressed' = not ok

'DH, I'm hot, stressed and tired, which is why I snapped about the washing up but I shouldn't have done and I'm sorry' = ok

I'm pleased to have mastered this and it's got me TONS of brownie points with DH :)

squoosh · 28/07/2014 13:41

Hmmmm, but sometimes the person who does the apologising isn't the person in the wrong.

Original poster
BunnyPotter · 28/07/2014 13:48

Great! Glad IANU!
Squoosh - then they shouldn't apologise, surely?

OP posts:
mrscog · 28/07/2014 13:50

Yes, and squoosh - that's where you deploy my tactic, get all the frustration out first. And don't apologise for things that aren't your fault ofc!

squoosh · 28/07/2014 13:52

We all know peace makers and who make tentative apologies even if they're not in the wrong.

Andrewofgg · 28/07/2014 13:53

"If you will forgive my saying so . . ."

Get ready, the next remark is going to be unforgivable!

Smilesandpiles · 28/07/2014 13:53

LOL

An ex friend pushed a card through the door with this written inside.

I'm sorry for such and such and that I said this and this BUT....and then spent the rest on the inside pages of the card AND the back listing all my faults and everything I have done wrong, said wrong, looked wrong...it was entertaining to say the least.

She then complained to anyone who would listen that I didn't accept her apology.

The other one is the patronising "I'm sorry you feel that way". Aka, you're talking out of your arse and you won't agree with me.

stealthsquiggle · 28/07/2014 13:56

"I am sorry, but.." Or any of the variations highlighted here (I am sorry you took it that way, etc) are NOT apologies. I am really hot on this with my DC, having grown up with DB1 who said "I am sorry but you are wrong" so often that it was practically his catchphrase AngryAngry

The same applies to "I am not being mean, but..." which DS is prone to.

squoosh · 28/07/2014 13:56

I don't think 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is necessarily patronising, it's a way of saying 'we disagree, now let's move on'.

Original poster
BunnyPotter · 28/07/2014 13:56

Smiles - hilarious if it wasn't sad!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 28/07/2014 13:59

Why shouldn't the person apologising get to put their side of the story? If you have done something that upset someone then why is explaining why you did it so awful?
I don't believe the world is divided into virtuous saints deserving apologies and evil people who deliberately upset them and should have to grovel.
Communication and explanations have to be 2 way.
I think often people apologise when they shouldn't and what should happen is that both of them sit down and discuss what happened not have a sinner and sinned against format.

thornrose · 28/07/2014 14:00

To me "I'm sorry that you feel upset" means "I am not sorry for my actions but I am sorry you were upset by them." It makes me go Confused as I try to figure out if they're actually saying it's my fault.

stealthsquiggle · 28/07/2014 14:00

I would say that "I am sorry you feel that way" is up with "I hear what you are saying" in the ranks of annoying patronising responses. It says, to me at least, "I really don't give a toss how you feel and will change absolutely nothing as a result of what you have just told me"

squoosh · 28/07/2014 14:02

I don't believe the world is divided into virtuous saints deserving apologies and evil people who deliberately upset them and should have to grovel.

Exactly that.

squoosh · 28/07/2014 14:02

I'm sorry you feel that way about 'I'm sorry you feel that way' Stealth.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/07/2014 14:06

I think some people are too hung up on being apologised to - its about humiliating the one apologising, often, and things are rarely clear cut. Sometimes they are, but more often not.

Mrscog your suggestion is great.

Smilesandpiles · 28/07/2014 14:10

Hung up?

It's a simple and genuine "I'm sorry".

No buts, no reasons, no accusations, no need to do anything more. It's not that hard. It's not about humiliating the other person at all. No one is asking for the person apologising to grovel, just to say a very simple, heart felt and genuine "I'm sorry".

SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2014 14:11

Well, sometimes you are only sorry the other person is upset, but not sorry for what you did, because what you did wasn't wrong.

Sometimes, there are things we need to do which may hurt or upset other people - the motivation is not to hurt or upset the other person, but the thing we need to do is important to us and the upset caused not serious enough to justify avoiding that thing.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/07/2014 14:18

Smiles its all a bit too hypothetical - we are probably all imagining different scenarios. I'm thinking of things like "I'm not doing X until so and so apologises" or a family member insisting the more reasonable party aologises to keep the peace with a more flouncy or drama loving one. Or any other apology that has been asked for or enforced, rather than freely given and genuinely meant.

SolidGold exactly.

LadySybilLikesCake · 28/07/2014 14:21

Ex Mil did this. She went into ds's school and asked for a copy of ds's school report as I didn't tell her anything (bull) and told the head I was jealous of ds's father getting married. I wrote her a letter telling her how upset I was and setting out some boundaries. She replied saying I was always critical of her Hmm

Ds uses the 'I'm sorry you're upset' as a passive aggressive way of saying 'get a grip'

PlumpPartridge · 28/07/2014 14:23

'DH, I'm hot, stressed and tired, which is why I snapped about the washing up but I shouldn't have done and I'm sorry' = ok

I think that as long as you finish by saying you're sorry, that is a good start. Also, with this method you are naming the mitigating circumstances and rejecting them as mitigators (always a good move).

I may steal this Wink