"I'm sorry for X, but you.."

[BunnyPotter]

AIBU that if you apologise for something above - especially if it's something quite big you're apologising for - then saying the words "I'm sorry" and following them with what the other person did/does wrong isn't really an apology? It's actually putting the blame on the other person? In the same way that when someone says, "I don't mean to be rude, but.." they're almost always about to be rude!

Apologies are rarely about empathy that's really interesting. My dd has Aspergers and struggles with the whole empathy thing!

I have actually banned her from saying the word sorry to me as it's so insincere and pointless. If she apologised she would then have expectations of me and it became a bit of a nightmare.

Family members insist that I should teach her to apologise just to fit in with society and to show empathy. I'm a bit unsure to be honest.

It drives me mad when someone says "I'm not being funny... but... "
Well yes actually, you clearly are being funny:)
Maybe it's a northern thing?

Just to clarify - the sulker I lived with wasn't a partner, it was a parent, which might explain why the injustice of having to apologise for things that WEREN'T MY FAULT really burned, particularly during my teenage years. Maybe that has changed the way I view apologies, but I still think that reasoned discussion arising from an apology which is more than just 'I'm sorry' can be more productive than someone just capitulating completely.

Agree it's not an apology - I use that phraseology all the time when answering spurious ridiculous complaints at work. The word "sorry" is used early on, so it looks like an apology

I agree. Especially on this board!

"I'm sorry if you don't like what I've written, but this is IABU so what did you expect?"

I'm sorry, but it seems we've gone off on an apology tangent!

Sometimes you can be genuinely sorry that your actions or words upset someone without your actions or words being anything you need to regret.
'I'm sorry you're sad that I have decided not to marry your son. Getting married would be the wrong thing for both of us.'

SolidGoldBrass that's exactly what I was trying to say but in a less eloquent manner than you!

My DH does this all the time, drives me absolutely mad!! As soon as the word but comes out his mouth I now walk away as it's not a genuine apology but a way of trying to get the last word and make his point again.

Where as you want to have the last word and ignore his point?
Why turn your relationship into a battle?
It all sounds such hard work. Can't you agree to disagree, why does one person have to be right and the other wrong? If he does it all the time why are you still with him if you always feel he should be apologising to you?

Because he's not all bad, because he can do things that drive me bonkers and are terrible habits but I still love him. Because it's ok to sound off and moan about an aspect of your partners personality without it meaning it's all doom and gloom.

Thank you burgatroyd, you person of great taste!

There are two kinds of "I'm sorry, but..".

The first one is ok and means: "I'm sorry we are in this situation, and I want to discuss or explain how we got here"

The second one is passive aggressive and infuriating; it means: "I am (always) right and I'm sorry you are too thick to know that".

This second statement is infuriating, but with the added phoney "I'm sorry", it is like a kick in the teeth.

Let's also not forget the 'sorry' children do when they are forced to apologise. The 'heartfelt' shouted sorry accompanied by crossed arms and a scowl. That is one of my particular favourites

Oh yes, DD's "Sorreeee" make me see red.

Why on earth do so many people force children to apologise? It is such an automatic thing for some parents, but does nothing useful and makes them resentful. I get it when it is actually about pacifying another parent (in which case it is a social device, not genuinely an apology) but why force it between siblings or close friends - usually there is fault on noth sides, one child is forced to apologise and feels humiliated and resentful, and the other feels smug and that they have "won" (its like that between adults sometimes too - as soon as somebody has demanded or requested an apology, the apology is nul and void except as a move in a power game IMO).

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase You have a point there as it's not actually a genuine apology at all. I think encouraging an apology isn't a bad thing but actually forcing the issue is counterproductive.

One of DDs friends pushed her and the mum was trying to make her say sorry and she was refusing. The mum was getting angrier, the DD was getting more stubborn and me and DD just stood there awkwardly watching the stand off! It ended with crying, a shouted sorry and about ten minutes wasted for all of us.

YANBU. Anyone who uses such an "apology" really needs to read the book "how to make friends and influence people".

Someone I work with says 'With respect...' when it's absolutely clear that whatever is coming next is going to be as rude as fuck.

Still, it's hilarious now that people are using that phrase right back at them