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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an alcoholic probably can't drink socially?

53 replies

notagainffffffffs · 26/07/2014 21:12

I hope I can be proven wrong on this.
My mum is, as far as I know, about 9 years sober. Went through a horrific time as a family getting her into rehab etc years ago after her behaviour became destructive, awful, couldnt keep hold of a job etc.
A few years ago her and my dad seperated and they have started dating again. My mums new partner seems okay, if a bit 'blokey'. She has made comments about him enjoying posh ales, visiting posh pubs .
I have suspected a couple of times that she was drinking, a few times I could have sworn I smelt wine in the kitchen etc but no evidence.

She has just been visiting my older brother and casual as anything asked if she could have wine with dinner like everyone else. Brother said no.
She told him she is fine drinking socially with new partner and he is appalled.

She's quite quick to get angry if you mention any 'negative' thing and refuse s to talk to me for weeks after even minor disagreement s so I really want to tread carefully here.
We've just begun to build a nice relationship, and ive started to trust her again.
Im devastated.
Is it possible to be a wet alcoholic? ?

Sorry I have name changed, but am regular poster

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 26/07/2014 21:17

I would have thought it isn't possible to have just one drink, as it were.

frumpet · 26/07/2014 21:18

Probably not , in answer to your question . Nine years sober is fantastic for anyone with dependency issues though . Is this the start of a slippery slope or can your mother control her intake , honestly only time will tell i am afraid .

Cyclebump · 26/07/2014 21:19

As someone with a very close family member who has been through AA etc, I would say no.

Addiction is a physical and chemical reaction and one drink can trigger relapse. Through AA I have met people who have relapsed after years of sobriety because they thought they were 'over it' and weren't.

You have my sympathies, it doesn't sound like this will be an easy time x

Fairylea · 26/07/2014 21:19

I don't think it's possible. My whole family is alcoholic. My mum, my dad, my gran etc etc etc. The only way my gran managed to stay sober was to avoid alcohol completely (to the point of not even allowing it in cooking). My mum and my dad still drink and kid themselves they're not heavy drinkers anymore because they only do it in the evening! I myself had years of drinking too much and the only way I have been able to stop is to stop drinking completely. Been sober 4 years now. It's too easy to have one ...and then another .. and then another...

puntasticusername · 26/07/2014 21:20

I don't know much about true alcoholism but just from your post...

...it sounds as if she is indeed drinking again, and persuading herself it's ok. And that those immediately around her are equally persuading themselves that is OK.

Sorry, but if she really is an alcoholic, I don't think that's ok Sad

Lally112 · 26/07/2014 21:24

For some it is, It depends what caused the alcoholism in the first place. 12 years ago I would have been classed as an alcoholic but now with DH, my family and friends and a contentedness in my head I can drink socially. I don't even just have to have one drink and have been for many many nights out where I have possibly had a little too much but the big difference is I am not numbing something I am harbouring with alcohol and I don't wake up in the morning feeling like I cant face the day without a drink.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 26/07/2014 21:24

I don't know if it's possible, as my alcoholic relative never attempted to even get on the wagon.

However, how long do you have to be sober before you are no longer an alcoholic? Is it even possible to stop being an alcoholic?

Refusing to let my relative have a drink if they asked for one would have resulted in a major falling out, hearing your brother did that gave me flashbacks to bad times!

Original poster
notagainffffffffs · 26/07/2014 21:24

I thought I would be angry but I'm just so sad. Both her parents died before 60 due to alcohol related illness. Shes 47.
I dont think she has been to a meeting for 5 years, she did have a sort of mentor person but I have no idea who they are or how to find them :(

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/07/2014 21:24

I would also say that it is not how much someone drinks that makes them an alcoholic but rather the change of personality that accompanies a drink that makes them so.

dementedma · 26/07/2014 21:27

I would say no. My brother is an alcoholic, just over one year dry thanks to the fabulous people at the Salvation Army with whom he now lives.
I swear if he ever has an alcoholic drink again I will murder him!

Cyclebump · 26/07/2014 21:28

I should have said I support the view that the addiction response is physical and chemical as I know it's one view of many. So I also support the AA view that you are always an alcoholic, just a sober one, even if you stop drinking.

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 26/07/2014 21:32

It sounds like she is drinking and wanting to 'normalise' it, pretend it was never a problem. She may not have been very honest with the new partner and it sounds like he may be encouraging it. I have alcoholic family members and have got a lot of help from going to Al Anon, which is for friends and relatives. Maybe you would benefit from giving that a go, to get some support for yourself.

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/07/2014 21:35

Could somebody have a word with the new partner and explain the situation your mum has with alcohol.

GoMe · 26/07/2014 21:36

As far as I know alcoholism is caused by physiological facts.
Something to do with lack of / or insufficient enzymes in the body which makes it difficult to process the alcohol.
So unfortunately, there ins't a cure yet.

Original poster
notagainffffffffs · 26/07/2014 21:37

Thanks. Just dont get it. I dont think she has any idea what she put us through first time round. Dont think I can do round 2. Will look into alanon thankyou :)

OP posts:
Original poster
notagainffffffffs · 26/07/2014 21:38

I have no idea if new man knows her past. Ive only met him the once :/

OP posts:
hallamoo · 26/07/2014 21:46

Are you sure she was an alcoholic? As opposed to having other others, such as depression, bi-polar or other mental health illness, and she was self medicating with alcohol?

I've seen it before, people assume the person is an alcoholic but it's just a mask for other issues.... In that case, it is possible to drink socially if the mental health is under control.

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons · 26/07/2014 21:46

Please do look at Al-alon. And of course you don't 'get it' - its not your 'disease'. Alcoholsm/addiction is nasty. With denial being a really large part of it. But, as hard as this is, she's unlikely to stop drinking again until something drasticly changes. Either life gets as bad as it was when she stopped the first time, or she realises that just becasue she's managing now, doesn't mean she is "cured". But please understand, she isn't doing this to hurt you, she proabbly does know what she put you through, and feels bad for it, but the addiction is stronder than her. Hope that makes a bit of sense. Very emotive subject for me.

hallamoo · 26/07/2014 21:47

I second Al Anon.

AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 26/07/2014 21:48

Someone asked the question up thread on how long someone has to have been sober before they're no longer classed as being an alcoholic. IME and AFAIK the answer is never. It's usually a case of '...an alcoholic X years sober'.

Regarding whether an alcoholic can drink socially, in the words of my alcoholic (10 yes sober) relative, "1 drink's too many and 100's not enough". Only time will tell, but I fear the answer to your question is no. Sad

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 26/07/2014 21:54

I actually think it's entirely possible she doesn't know. Denial and minimisation are very strong impulses, and alcoholics can be highly aggressive, destructive and even violent and remember very little about it. Your mum may be telling herself it wasn't all that bad, and you and your brother are dramatising it. She may even blame or accuse you of being controlling.

In the end you can't stop her drinking if she is hell bent on doing it. You are responsible for yourselves, she is in charge of her own decisions. But you shouldn't shield her from any negative consequences of her choices, including the impact on her relationship with you and any grandchildren. Al Anon will have people who have been through exactly this and can share how they dealt with it, do call and try a meeting. I go regularly now and it has changed my life.

MyUserNameIsWhat · 26/07/2014 21:56

I don't think it's possible. My dad was 5 years sober and always said if he had another drink it would kill him. I think your mum needs to think about the effect of the alcohol on her body.

kitesfoorever · 26/07/2014 21:58

My understanding is that you are an alcoholic for life, but you can stay sober by not drinking at all. Hope you're ok Op.

Sallyingforth · 26/07/2014 21:58

I've been through this with a friend who had one drink at a New Year party "just to be sociable" after being dry for over three years.
She was dead before Christmas.
The answer is a straight NO.

noddyholder · 26/07/2014 21:59

No never