to think an alcoholic probably can't drink socially?

[notagainffffffffs]

I hope I can be proven wrong on this.
My mum is, as far as I know, about 9 years sober. Went through a horrific time as a family getting her into rehab etc years ago after her behaviour became destructive, awful, couldnt keep hold of a job etc.
A few years ago her and my dad seperated and they have started dating again. My mums new partner seems okay, if a bit 'blokey'. She has made comments about him enjoying posh ales, visiting posh pubs .
I have suspected a couple of times that she was drinking, a few times I could have sworn I smelt wine in the kitchen etc but no evidence.
She has just been visiting my older brother and casual as anything asked if she could have wine with dinner like everyone else. Brother said no.
She told him she is fine drinking socially with new partner and he is appalled.

She's quite quick to get angry if you mention any 'negative' thing and refuse s to talk to me for weeks after even minor disagreement s so I really want to tread carefully here.
We've just begun to build a nice relationship, and ive started to trust her again.
Im devastated.
Is it possible to be a wet alcoholic? ?

Sorry I have name changed, but am regular poster

[impatienceisavirtue]

No. I don't think you can, or 999 put of a thousand can't anyway.

[impatienceisavirtue]

*out

[ahfuckit]

I think it depends. I recently sought help with an alcohol problem and I read Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale. I still wanted to be able to have the odd drink socially, but the book completely changed my attitude towards drinking. Since the end of March I have only had a drink while away on holiday. I then drank moderately and didn't particularly enjoy it. I think I can honestly say that for me having the odd drink now and then is OK, because it just reminds me I don't really like it much anymore.

[ahfuckit]

I should add that I was/am what some people term a 'functional alcoholic' -I drank 5-6 bottles of wine a week.

[notagainffffffffs]

Thankyou everyone for your kind messages. I will definitely try alanon. To clarify is was a minimim of two bottles of wine e and litre of vodka a day. So definitely tou much. She has a tiny frame, and nearly died at one point. Ive dpoken to a very kind man at aa who has told me that it isnt possible to have just the one and said I could possibly track down her mentor/sponser at our locall aa meeting. So I will do that. I love her so much but ive got my own family now and I cant expose them to that

[Mrsmorton]

My mum is an alcoholic, almost died when I was a student about 15 years ago. She should be dead now but she can have a social drink and goes months with being able to have a G&T and a glass if wine with a meal. No problem at all. She's even actually quite pleasant.

Then when she gets stressed she hits it hard and becomes a complete cunt. I don't know if we'll be able to repair the damage she's done this time within the community also her GP jas prescribed her tramadol for her back which has made things worse. I wonder if I could speak to them. Ho hum.

[GoMe]

What is the line between been a heavy drinker and an alcoholic anyway?

[DogCalledRudis]

"Can" and "should" are different things. I believe that an alcoholic can have a social drink and stay sensible. But one or a few social drinks can trigger a serious relapse, even if one has been sober for a decade. So i think one should not.

Sadly alcohol and meat are two things that if you refuse, people will think -- what's wrong with you? That's weird/rude.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I am an alcoholic. Not in that I was drunk every day, but I drank a lot and trouble stopping when I started. I've been sober for 6 months now and wouldn't even bother having one drink socially as I can't see the point. I guess thats what makes me an alcoholic, wondering what the point in only having one drink is.

[ChaChaChaChanges]

My DSF was 15 years sober abs relapsed after trying a portion of sherry trifle. Luckily he sought help and regained sobriety quickly (8 years and counting). It took him completely by surprise. Some of his AA friends can't kiss their partners if the partner has been drinking.

[noddyholder]

My dp is an alcoholic in recovery over 21 years. he always says one is too many and ten is never enough

[GoMe]

Question for the ones who have alcoholic partners/family members or claim to be alcoholic.
How the whole sobriety path started?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Got incredibly drunk. Was hungover for two days and felt like I was going to die. I wasted time I could had been out with my DD, and the drink plays havoc with my anxiety. The thought of being drunk/hungover again fills me with enough fear to stop all together. Plus my mother is/was an alcoholic (I'm not sure i don't talk about alcohol with her) and I don't want the cycle to repeat with my DD. I don't want her to go through the things I did with my mum due to alcohol. Life is better this way, for both me and my DD. Its easy to stay sober for her

Plus I have seen in my own family the effect of living with an alcoholic and the effect of not. My older sister lived with my dad who didn't drink, she now barely drinks, whereas my younger sister and I lived with my mum and we both drank to excess. My younger sister still does.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Bear in mind that AA is not only based on superstition rather than science, but it is also the least effective method of helping problem drinkers.

As to whether a problem drinker can subsequently drink socially or not - it depends on the drinker.
However, it is not up to other people to control and police someone's drinking. Keep your beaks out WRT telling her new partner she's an alcoholic - this is not your secret to tell. Nor is it up to you to drink in front of her and refuse her a drink. You are not her owner.
You can set ground rules such as not spending time with her if she's ddrunk and/or keeping DC away from her if she is an obnoxious drunk, but ultimately we are all the owners of our own bodies and if we want to drink ourselves to death that is our choice and our right.

[GoMe]

Bear in mind that AA is not only based on superstition rather than science, but it is also the least effective method of helping problem drinkers

Could you please elaborate on it and give other examples of other methods that may help someone to stay sober SolidGoldBrass?

[noddyholder]

My dp went to AA as did one of my oldest friends both still sober 22 yrs on

[Aethelfleda]

Er, solidgoldbrass, that's quite a statement to make...how do you back up your claim that "AA is the least effective method" to stop drinking: can you link us to some statistics to support that?
Surely it's a social and psychological support therapy group? What would you say works better? Do you work in the field or have a "cure" you'd like to tell us about?

Not trying to be too confrontational there, but the tone of your posts suggests you feel the OP is wrong to be concerned about her mother's probable restart on drinking....

[noddyholder]

I don't think alcoholics do want to drink themselves to death I know my dp didn't have that thought process he desperately wanted to stop but admits that he would have said anything to justify it. It is the only illness that tells you you don't have it. AA is useful when you are in that no mans land of denial and alienation hearing others admit to their powerlessness and manipulation is very helpful when you are making every excuse in the book.

[Cyclebump]

AA is very controversial and more than once I've seen it heavily criticised on MN as 'a cult', 'superstition' and something that ruins relationships.

It certainly doesn't work for everyone, but it has worked for my family member. She is heavily involved in the AA community, chairing, setting up new groups and, seven years in, still attends regularly. It literally saved her life, as well as our relationship. She was present at the birth of my first child and, hopefully, will be for my second, who is due in a few weeks. Before AA, I had decided to wait until alcohol killed her before having children as she could not have been involved (think driving drunk with children in car etc).

I would not advocate AA for everyone, but nor would I trash some of other methods to tackle addiction (drugs, rehab programmes etc).

There are many options OP, but I do subscribe to the AA belief that she must make the decision and whether she relapses or to is not in your control.

[hanginginthere1]

How do you tell the difference between binge drinking and being an alcoholic? Our neighbours definitely binge drink, yet never appear to be hung over as such. He was slurring his words at 11 o' clock this morning, and was in high spirits last night. He can become verbally aggressive, and has caused embarrassment at several neighbourhood parties etc. She is similar, though not quite as aggressive. Both have caused "trouble" by their behaviour. Both hold down professional jobs.
We have begun to notice that the amount of people visiting for social purposes has gradually declined, due I think to the fact that they are often out of control.
Is this binge drinking or would they be described as alcoholics.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Why AA and 12-step programmes are really dubious

And some more stuff

And, for women problem drinkers, even those who have found AA of some use, there is a big problem of sexual predators as well.

[Frogisatwat]

My goodness SGB. ! Have you ever been to A A? I am guessing not. There are women only meetings and the one thing drummed in when it comes to mentoring... men for men and women for women..
In answer to your question op.. I think she may be under control now but it nearly always escalates.
I wouldn't deny her a drink though. She is an adult and if you don't give her the drink someone else will or she will take it upon herself to get some. That doesn't stop you making your feelings clear about the consequences should she relapse

[ahfuckit]

GoMe - I think there are a variety of definitions, but I would regard anyone that wants to cut down or stop drinking and can't, as dependent on alcohol. I think the term alcoholic can be misleading as there are definitely degrees of dependence.
For me the path to sobriety started with a trip to the doctor. He suggested that I refer myself to Turning Point and my keyworker there helped me turn things around.
My frirends and family didn't think I had a problem, but I knew I did and I'm much happier now.

[Mintyy]

My alcoholic mother can have an occasional drink now. But she is 83 and she genuinely only wants 1, or 2 at the very most. She is too old to drink ... she seems to have come out the other side.