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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How did you find out your DH was cheating?

61 replies

ElvisLove · 21/07/2014 23:00

As you'll guess from my title, I suspect something might be going on with my DH. I'm not sure why. He is away a lot with work but I have nothing to go on except a feeling.

He has a separate bank account, a work phone that I do not have the password to, and is away once a fortnight for a few nights at a time. He is often a little late home from work.

I have had access to the bank account and phone in the past and have never found anything on them to be concerned about.

If you have been in my position, how did things come to light?

OP posts:

angel1976 · 21/07/2014 23:07

My STBXH went on a work ski trip in early Feb last year. Late Feb he chose to tell me on DC1's birthday our marriage was over (news to me!). I could pinpoint that ski trip as to when he 'changed'. I looked at his FB account at the ski trip photos (nothing suspicious) and did try accessing his work email account but I couldn't. But I also knew it wasn't someone from work so I couldn't make that last connection...

Found out months later OW and ex met on THAT ski trip. She was with friends and he with work but stayed in same chalet. It all made sense of course.

Sorry you are going through this. It's not nice. But I just knew something happened on that ski trip... A woman's intuition is very good usually... But good riddance though if he really is cheating. Good luck!

aftereight · 21/07/2014 23:19

He started to be Mr Perfect. Happy, carefree, enthusiastic about sex (oh, the irony). He also started using MFP app to lose weight he didn't need to lose.
Thought I was going mad, as although his behaviour had changed, it was for the better iyswim. The weirdest thing was when he questioned me jealously about a cina date I went on with a platonic female friend. Classic projection in hindsight.
One evening I decided to look through his ipod touch, and there were incriminating emails. I was gutted, but vindicated.
Good luck, you'll probably find that it's lots of little things which don't quite add up. Trust your instincts, though I hope you are wrong.

aftereight · 21/07/2014 23:19

cina= cinema

nugget05 · 21/07/2014 23:30

He started projecting his deceit and lies onto me, classic you're seeing someone else, you're acting different etc I was pregnant at the time so yes I was acting slightly different but I just had a feeling. He had 2 phones 1 for work 1 for personal so that when he was with me he could turn it off and wouldn't get bothered by Work calls yet refused to turn the phone off . Eventually I got bored of him starting arguments and the gut feeling something wasn't right and I snooped on his fb. Everything clicked then, starting arguments to justify his actions, always on his "work" phone. Trust your instincts he'll make you feel like you've gone mad but sometimes you just know

MBT1987 · 21/07/2014 23:31

I suppose the work phone, I can understand you not needing to use, but is his bank account a recent thing? I fully expect when I get married that I'll keep my own bank account for work stuff, and probably hold a joint bank account for joint affairs (utility bills, groceries, etc). I don't know why an account you've both used is all of a sudden just for his use.

I wouldn't consider just being a little late home from work as a sole indicator, though - my work life has been hectic as of late, so I've been getting home at odd times (not majorly, but a bit late, fairly often). Is that a new thing, or was it happening before (if less regularly)?

I wish you the best - I know how horrible this situation can be. My rationale is that if you thought "maybe DH is cheating on me" and had nothing solid to base it on, you'd dismiss it. If there's some info that gives you a genuine worry, there must be some basis for it.

Original poster

ElvisLove · 21/07/2014 23:34

He has shown more interest in his appearance lately, and nights working late have increased, work trips too are very frequent now.

We don't have a sex life at the moment either.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElvisLove · 21/07/2014 23:36

The sole account was his account before we met, and in all fairness I still have my sole account too.

The work phone must have a password on it required by his company.

OP posts:

JaceLancs · 21/07/2014 23:39

The OW's husband rang and told me! He'd caught them on phone to each other

Original poster

ElvisLove · 21/07/2014 23:49

I think my 'feeling' comes from him never wanting to spend any time with me. He just shows no interest in being with me, even just sitting together in the evenings.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 21/07/2014 23:49

he seemed happier, loving and wanted a lot of sex (passionate sex of course he was in the first throws of lust/love but not with me)

i came home late from work he was cooking a nice meal having just got in from his martial arts class and for some reason i just knew to look in his bag. his kit had not been worn. over dinner i asked him what he done in his class he lied and i said i know you are lying you have not been so where have you been. he got angry and told me it was none of my business and i knew few days later i left

but really i knew before something was not right and he would get angry very quickly as he felt guilty all the time

Original poster

ElvisLove · 22/07/2014 00:04

Because his work travel is different each time, different locations and times, there is nothing for me to check. I have to believe he is where he says he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElvisLove · 22/07/2014 00:07

His behaviour at home is helpful and he does try to make sure I am happy. He'll encourage me to get some time alone, hairdressers or whatever. Never really very interested in me though, or spending any time with me.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 22/07/2014 06:29

What you are looking for is a cluster of behaviours which have changed. You are the best judge of whether he is behaving differently

EarthWindFire · 22/07/2014 07:06

The sole account was his account before we met, and in all fairness I still have my sole account too.

In that case then you can't really use this as an 'indicator' or he could say the same about you.

HKat · 22/07/2014 07:22

No real indicators at first as he was always pretty quiet and didn't discuss what he was up to. Got a new phone but kept old one - new one was out of bounds/password-ed up. Went on holiday with friends and was v distant whilst out there - noticeable lack of usual texts etc. Distance continued when he got back and a few days after his return, I found a receipt for a restaurant in a place miles away from where he's said he was, and the menu choices were v obviously his (same as he always had) and a female's. Think margarita pizza and white wine when the bloke he claimed he was out with us a real monster meat feast and pints of lager guy. Not ten minutes after I found receipt, post arrived with letter for him clearly marked with name of local hotel on the envelope. Yes I opened it and yes was invoice for a room on a night he'd claimed was very much elsewhere. Bang to rights really.

madasa · 22/07/2014 07:59

An invoice arrived in the post for a car hire for a weekend when he was away on his own cycling....allegedly.

I was immediately suspicious.......he couldn't drive

Ledkr · 22/07/2014 08:03

A telltale phone bill which I chose to ignore I had a six month old and three others.

Sadly then my son found out and told my sister who then told me.
My poor sink was 16 and had been told by a friends as the ow was in his circle of friends (yes you didn't misread that)

I immediately kicked his cheating arse out and have never looked back.
I've had/am having an amazing life without him.

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/07/2014 08:26

He told me as OW forced him into a corner where he had no choice.
With hindsight there were a cluster of behaviours that had changed he had started smoking (she smokes), belittling me in public and various other small things.

Original poster

ElvisLove · 22/07/2014 09:30

DH knows I use his phone from time to time and would be very careful about anything on it. He went away recently with friends and lied about one of his friends bringing a new GF on the trip. Which would be fine, except she also brought her sister and friend, and he lied about that. Why keep it from me. He gets quite angry if I confront him or question him about anything.

OP posts:

CheeseandPickledOnion · 22/07/2014 13:13

He went away recently with friends and lied about one of his friends bringing a new GF on the trip. Which would be fine, except she also brought her sister and friend, and he lied about that. Why keep it from me. He gets quite angry if I confront him or question him about anything.

That's the bit that would worry me. I suspect the sister or friend might be where your concerns lie...

Wonc · 22/07/2014 13:18

What are you going to do OP?

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 13:27

tigermoll
What you are looking for is a cluster of behaviours which have changed. You are the best judge of whether he is behaving differently

This.

Things friends & family have said in hindsight:
More effort with clothing/apprearance
Being distant when together
Over elaborating when recounting something

I will always be convinced by BIL had an affair some years back - there was a "vibe" in their house. Yes, they were going through difficulties at the time, but this was something else. Not to be dramatic or anything but the air with thick with guilt.

longwaytogo99 · 22/07/2014 13:28

Is this an AIBU?

Wonc · 22/07/2014 13:41

Have a heart Longwaytogo99. I think the OP has more on her mind than ensuring she sticks strictly to forum rules.

oldgrandmama · 22/07/2014 13:49

Makeup smeared all over his shirt - the stupid dick didn't even have the sense to hide the thing. I knew he was seeing an OW but he blatantly denied it, told me I was 'hallucinating' and he'd get me Sectioned etc. etc. etc. He'd come home from his 'squash match' reeking of cheap perfume, and tell me that 'someone wearing scent must have brushed up against me in the club bar ...' Twat. He became even nastier to me than usual, always putting me down, keeping me short of money, including for buying the kids much needed clothes, and generally being a horrible arse.
I found out who it was after a year - my 'best friend'. Suppose that made me the stupid twat!

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