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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to throw this card away?

62 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 18:14

I would normally post this in stately homers but decided to put here to get all views on this.

It is Dhs birthday today, we are estranged from the pils due to their toxic behaviours and broken promises.

We parted ways mainly due to fil & mil verbally abusing my children and also because it came out dh was beaten by fil.

These are not the type of people I wanted my children growing up around and their influences on dh leave much to be desired.

He chose to stop seeing them because they would always bring up my reluctance to allow them access to our children & would slag me off and make guilt trips, which in turn led him to quit seeing them.

Although he doesn't visit them anymore they still have a strong hold over him emotionally and he quite often feels strong guilt.

Anyway a birthday card was handposted today and I decided to open it.
In it is not just a normal birthday greeting, its a whole letter pleading to see us all, with guilt trips and woh is me written all over it.

I decided to hide it away and maybe bin it later as the card isn't about his special day, it's about what mil wants. Quite frankly I don't want him guilt tripped on his own birthday and made to feel sad.

Aibu? If it was a normal greeting I wouldn't hesitate to give it to him, but why this on his birthday of all days.
Why not send a letter & change their ways??

OP posts:
SiennaBlake · 20/07/2014 18:17

Keep it for another day and give it to him when his birthday celebrations are all done. Don't spoil his day but don't hold back the info permanently.

WeirdCatLady · 20/07/2014 18:17

You WBU to throw it away, that is not your decision to make.

You WNBU to give it to him tomorrow, no need to spoil the day.

And you know why they've done it this way, it is a blatant guilt trip and manipulation.

abigamarone · 20/07/2014 18:18

Why did you open a card that wasn't yours?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 18:27

I opened it because I had a feeling what was inside wasn't just a card, and in normal circumstances it is wrong to open someones post but with the way these people are I just had to see what was inside it rather than see him be upset, especially today.

I haven't binned it as of yet, I have put it in a safe place.

OP posts:
MamaPain · 20/07/2014 18:28

Seems strange you opened it but I think as long as you give it to him within few days of his birthday then its fine.

To not give it to him at all would be unacceptable and put you in the same kind of category as your PILs.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/07/2014 18:31

YWBVU to throw it away, I can see why you might want to wait until tomorrow before giving it to him.

JenniferJo · 20/07/2014 18:40

You can't throw it away, that would make you as controlling as they are. let him have it tomorrow and apologise for opening it.

ArgyMargy · 20/07/2014 18:50

I would burn it. Why not? You know it will only cause him pain.

Marylou2 · 20/07/2014 18:53

It's a bit mean to tell the OP that this puts her in the same category as her PILs. She has her DH very best interests at heart and is trying to avoid further upset on his birthday.Perhaps giving him the card after his birthday would be best. The very best of luck to you both.

YouWithTheFace · 20/07/2014 18:55

YAnBU to open the card. Perhaps tell your DH about it tomorrow and ask him if he wants to read it? I've got my brother and my husband to open and pre read similar missives, and it really helps that they see it first.

aprilanne · 20/07/2014 19:05

sorry but its not your card to open .i realise you may not like them but what you did was just as controlling .

RandallFloyd · 20/07/2014 19:07

I agree.
Wait til a day or so after his birthday, then give it to him.
Do all the birthday things you had planned first though, don't let this overshadow them.

It's such a bloody manipulative thing to do, and very typical.
How dare they make his birthday all about them.
There's 364 other days of the year they could choose to do that.
(Well no, 363, they can feck off at Christmas too)

RandallFloyd · 20/07/2014 19:08

You did the right thing by opening it too.

flipchart · 20/07/2014 19:10

I would have been furious if DH opened a card that was for me.
I would be even more furious if he decided to withhold the contents because it was in my interests - in his opinion.
Your husband is an adult. He needs access to his mail and can make up his own mind what he does with that information.

How dare you treat your DH like that.

PicandMinx · 20/07/2014 19:11

Shred it and don't tell him about it. NC means just that. If his parents truly wanted to make amends, they could have written a letter any time.

PhaedraIsMyName · 20/07/2014 19:12

and in normal circumstances it is wrong to open someones post but with the way these people are I just had to see what was inside

You have no right to open his mail. At best you might have put it away and pretended it arrived a day or so later.

PicandMinx · 20/07/2014 19:13

Oh and it was handposted to warn you that they can turn up anytime and you can't stop them.

RandallFloyd · 20/07/2014 19:15

Yy to the hand posting bit.
Just adds that extra touch of powerplay.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 19:22

I know it's wrong to open someone elses mail, but if I wrote all they did (too long), you would understand, and that's not what I asked.

I asked if it was unreasonable to throw it in the bin and should I do it. Thankyou for the answers from both arguments, going to have a good think and I will most probably give it to him someday this week.

I just don't understand why someone would choose a birthday when they have never thought of sending a letter before. Instead we get continuous voicemails, calls and texts so why today. To hurt him I suspectAngry

It's not a 'dislike' for them, they are not nice people.
We distanced ourselfs because of the hatred, manipulation & selfishness they craved from every visit.

OP posts:
SiennaBlake · 20/07/2014 19:23

They choose special days like birthdays for maximum impact. That's what makes it even more obvious they are doing it to hurt. Poor dh :(

RandallFloyd · 20/07/2014 19:24

You've answered your own question with your last line.

The reason they chose his birthday is exactly about 'manipulation & selfishness'.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 20/07/2014 19:27

My mother does stuff like this despite us being nc. My DH opens letters from her sometimes. He wouldn't open any other personal mail of mine. I am very very happy with this arrangement.

If I were your DH, I would be pleased that you opened the card, read the letter and withheld it all until after my birthday.

If it were me, it would spoil my birthday to see an envelope with her handwriting on it. Even if I put it to one side to open another day never I'd have a feeling of dread over the horrible shit I know will be inside.

Maybe afterwards ask him if you did the right thing.

YANBU

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 19:30

Thanks cookie I will ask him if I did the right thing too.

He gets me to listen to voicemails and read texts and quite often asks me to delete if it's not an important matter. I suppose a letter means she is stepping up her gameSad

She did say she is determined to see us all again and how she'll try anything to make sure another year doesn't passAngry

OP posts:
spanky2 · 20/07/2014 19:31

Pumpkinsweetie in these circumstances it is not wrong to open the letter. People with normal parents cannot truly comprehend the devious and malicious behaviour of toxic parents. Wait until tomorrow and ask if he wants to see it but warn him of its nature. I don't celebrate my birthday anymore as all it holds are painful memories of my parents nasty behaviour towards me when I was a child and now. I am not sure there is anything to be gained by him reading it, they are trying to use FOG.

flipchart · 20/07/2014 19:32

I get your reasons about how manipulative they have been BUT it's still not your business to withhold the information from your DH.
Surely he will agree with you if they are as bad as you say.
However you have a power advantage over your husband and also holding a secret. Great stuff OP.