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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to throw this card away?

62 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 18:14

I would normally post this in stately homers but decided to put here to get all views on this.

It is Dhs birthday today, we are estranged from the pils due to their toxic behaviours and broken promises.

We parted ways mainly due to fil & mil verbally abusing my children and also because it came out dh was beaten by fil.

These are not the type of people I wanted my children growing up around and their influences on dh leave much to be desired.

He chose to stop seeing them because they would always bring up my reluctance to allow them access to our children & would slag me off and make guilt trips, which in turn led him to quit seeing them.

Although he doesn't visit them anymore they still have a strong hold over him emotionally and he quite often feels strong guilt.

Anyway a birthday card was handposted today and I decided to open it.
In it is not just a normal birthday greeting, its a whole letter pleading to see us all, with guilt trips and woh is me written all over it.

I decided to hide it away and maybe bin it later as the card isn't about his special day, it's about what mil wants. Quite frankly I don't want him guilt tripped on his own birthday and made to feel sad.

Aibu? If it was a normal greeting I wouldn't hesitate to give it to him, but why this on his birthday of all days.
Why not send a letter & change their ways??

OP posts:

stagsden · 20/07/2014 20:40

YANBU - to intercept and read letter. Then decide to withold it for a day. - I do this for dh (we have a longstanding agreement on it), because his mother still causes him to freak out at times (he had a childhood of sustained emotion and finacial abuse and blackmail, leaving him unable to deal with her at all).

YwBVU to bin it.

Hissy · 20/07/2014 20:41

Iirc, your H is ok about you being the gatekeeper to the voicemail and texts, right?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/07/2014 20:48

You definitely did the right thing in opening it. Don't let the people here try and convince you you're anything like your PILs.

stagsden · 20/07/2014 20:52

Oh and regarding texts and calls - you can get lots of apps that will block them so your dh doesnt have to know if he doesnt want to.

My dh has Avast antivirus on his phone which also has a call and text filter - hes put his parents on the blocked list, so if they text or call him it wont show on his phone unless he specifically goes into the relavant section of the Avast app and looks at the log there. - He normally has me do a check every few days to a week for him.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 20/07/2014 20:52

I can understand you opening it, but then I've been there. Plus my DH bins stuff the MIL sends anyway.

My MIL sends letters/cards to our DD (started when she was a baby and couldn't read). Once you've opened one 'to a special grand daughter' card informing a child that their parents are arseholes, you tend to open everything addressed to them before they see it. Of course that's a child so it's different....... but I also used to intercept mail to my dad too (with his permission) as he didn't need telling that he was a wanker by a malicious old cow that had only met him twice.

Admit it (which it sounds like you're going to anyway) and have a conversation about what you both do going forwards.

Do not destroy it. File it away somewhere, if she really is 'determined to see you all again' you might need a paper trail if it gets nasty.

Viviennemary · 20/07/2014 20:54

I think it would be wrong to withold the card or even to have opened it in the first place. However, I understand why you did this.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/07/2014 21:03

I can understand why you did it, but it's not your decision to make. I would not have opened it, but give it to him after his birthday.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/07/2014 21:13

I think you were acting in the best interests of your dh and trying to give him a lovely birthday.

possibly may have been better to have saved it unopened and then asked him about it afterwards. he may have wanted to bin it and unopened.

I do not think you are controlling or like them. they are acting from selfishness, you are acting from love.

littlejohnnydory · 20/07/2014 21:28

I don't think you should have opened it. Perhaps held it back so that he wasn't upset on his birthday (I wouldn't want to hear from my parents on my birthday and I'd be pleased if dh held back a card out of consideration and not wanting to spoil my day - I might even ask him to read it first as I have in the past but he'd never do so without asking). You absoluitely can't withold the info from your dh. His parents, his decision.

spanky2 · 20/07/2014 21:53

Toxic Parents is really good. It has really helped me.

WandaFuca · 20/07/2014 21:59

I can absolutely understand why you opened and read it, then hid it. If it had been posted, it would have been appropriate to just put it to one side unopened until after your DH's birthday.

But as it had been handposted, that meant that one of them had been right outside your front door. I suspect that sub-consciously you knew you had to read it, in case there was a threat they'd return and demand to be let in.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2014 22:10

Bogeyface , your poor DH, that's heartbreaking

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