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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to throw this card away?

62 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 18:14

I would normally post this in stately homers but decided to put here to get all views on this.

It is Dhs birthday today, we are estranged from the pils due to their toxic behaviours and broken promises.

We parted ways mainly due to fil & mil verbally abusing my children and also because it came out dh was beaten by fil.

These are not the type of people I wanted my children growing up around and their influences on dh leave much to be desired.

He chose to stop seeing them because they would always bring up my reluctance to allow them access to our children & would slag me off and make guilt trips, which in turn led him to quit seeing them.

Although he doesn't visit them anymore they still have a strong hold over him emotionally and he quite often feels strong guilt.

Anyway a birthday card was handposted today and I decided to open it.
In it is not just a normal birthday greeting, its a whole letter pleading to see us all, with guilt trips and woh is me written all over it.

I decided to hide it away and maybe bin it later as the card isn't about his special day, it's about what mil wants. Quite frankly I don't want him guilt tripped on his own birthday and made to feel sad.

Aibu? If it was a normal greeting I wouldn't hesitate to give it to him, but why this on his birthday of all days.
Why not send a letter & change their ways??

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 20/07/2014 19:33

Oops, missed the point!

YWBU to bin the letter. It is his letter, however horrible, not yours to chuck. Also, if he never knows about such attempts he might start to think they've changed, that they are respecting his boundaries and are considering his wishes by keeping away, which would make it harder for him to stay nc.

YANBU to intercept and hide until after his birthday.

SanityClause · 20/07/2014 19:36

Tell him about it tomorrow, and warn him about the contents.

You could suggest o him that it would be fine to throw it away without reading it, but the decision does really need to be his.

I think you did the right thing, FWIW. I have received poison letters from family members, and know that they would have ruined a birthday. But you do need to tell him.

Julius02 · 20/07/2014 19:38

YABU. It's his birthday, his birthday card, and his name on the envelope. Regardless of what has gone on before, he is an adult and you should allow him to make the decision as to whether to open it or not. You should not have opened it.....

spanky2 · 20/07/2014 19:40

Flipchart, it isn't about control it is protection. DH did the same for me, I do the same for my dcs.

sonlypuppyfat · 20/07/2014 19:45

Destroy it what the eye doesn't see the heart won't greave about.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 20/07/2014 19:46

You do not open an adults post, end of.

My teen DDs get cross enough if I open theirs, an adults, just no!

His parents, his ultimate responsability.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 20/07/2014 19:46

I suppose in normal circumstances you could say I'm controlling him by opening his mail, but you quite simply don't understand the strong powers they still have in gaining his trust, shattering it and causing him great pain in the process.

I will not be throwing it away, but the words in the letter would have completely ruined his daym Especially as he goes under Fear Obligation and Guilt when something such as this happens.

Would even have considered giving it him tonight or atleast telling him but he also has to work so it would be a double wammy!

OP posts:
May09Bump · 20/07/2014 19:46

If I was your husband I would want it just binned, however, the letter will no doubt raise its ugly head again sometime in the future when they will try to contact again. So with that in mind I would tell your husband it exists and in that in your opinion continues in the same vein of manipulation and does he want it or want it shredded?

Family are unbelievable sometimes, hope you all are able to remain NC.

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/07/2014 19:50

You need to tell him. In a similar NC situation with fil and I wouldn't have given dh the card on his birthday but told him after the celebrations. I also wouldn't have opened it without express permission, but that's done now.

And how long have you been NC for? Keeping up the appearance through sending birthday cards is quite normal.

hamptoncourt · 20/07/2014 19:50

Oh dear, this is why you should have posted in Stately OP. It is very hard for people who do not deal with such dysfunctional rellies to understand what we go through Sad

I would shred it. It must have got caught up in some junk mail that you binned and didn't realise.

Do all you can to protect your family.

Dutch1e · 20/07/2014 19:55

I am deeply protective of my personal space and OH wouldn't dream of opening my mail, nor I his.

But... I come from a bad family too. In your position, if my OH trusted his instincts, opened a card like this and gently told me about it a couple of days after my birthday, I would love him all the more.

YY to this being about protection OP, you've done the right thing.

As to your question, no, don't bin it. Tell him it was manipulative garbage and offer to get rid of it so he doesn't have to rid it (the best option). If he truly feels the need to read it, support him as best you can. Ideally, help him to laugh at it.

But if you bin it, it denies him the right to choose. And he misses out on the forewarning that they may be about to start seriously harrassing him.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/07/2014 19:56

DH opens my mums post for me. I cant deal with her shit anymore. He tells me as much as I can deal with.
I have reached the end of my loop and he deals with it all a-emotionally which is perfect for me.

flipchart · 20/07/2014 19:57

Flipchart, it isn't about control it is protection. DH did the same for me, I do the same for my dcs*

I get that OP has her DH best interests at heart. I get that the relatives are nasty and manipulative.

What I really disagree with is that he husband is a man with a mind of his own and the OP has knowledge that isn't hers to have in the first place nor hers to withhold. To cap it all she is still debating at giving in to him at her conviennce. Like I said before if the husband is of the same mind as OP he will not want contact but the mail should never have been interfered with in the first place.
Disgusting!!

Bowlersarm · 20/07/2014 19:58

Sorry, hamptoncourt, I think that's just wrong advice. You don't have the final say on relationships, dysfunctional or not.

The op is protecting her DH, and thank fuck she is there to do so, and quite simply, he has her. But ultimately she shouldn't play god in what he gets to see and what he doesn't get to see.

Bowlersarm · 20/07/2014 20:00

hobnob but that's fair enough. Your DH knows he has to intercept and open and process the post from your mother on your behalf. And let you know a précis.

But that isn't what is going on here. (Is it?)

CheckpointCharlie · 20/07/2014 20:01

I would have opened it too OP, no shame there IMO.

I wouldn't give it to him tomorrow, I would also save it for a while.

YANBU.

Bogeyface · 20/07/2014 20:03

I totally agree that people with normal families dont get this sort of thing.

They dont understand that when you just know what is going to be inside a letter or a card, you have to make a decision on whether to protect them from more vileness.

The second time one came here for DH I rang him at work and asked him if he wanted me to bin it or open it. He told me to open it but to not tell him what it said if it was more abuse. It was, so I didnt. Since then if one arrives I dont tell him, I open it, read it and keep it safe. I dont always mention that one has arrived if it was preceded with abusive texts/calls, as they usually do.

I dont open any other mail of his unless he asks me to, and I wouldnt have to do this if they were normal. But they are not and I am his last line of defence against them.

toomuchtooold · 20/07/2014 20:03

Is it wrong to open someone else's mail? Without their (implicit) consent, sure, but are we then the only married couple that open each other's mail all the time? I probably wouldn't open DH's mail if I thought it was a birthday card but only because there's nothing in a birthday cared that needs actioned, not because it would bother him.

FWIW OP I would hold onto the card until later and then tell him.

ExcuseTypos · 20/07/2014 20:04

I was estranged from my mum, I can envisage my DH doing this for me as he would know to get a letter from them would bring up all sorts of emotions- mostly negative.

So YANBU to open his letter.

You should however give it to him in a couple of days. Then together you can work out what to do next.

I do feel for you and your DH.

VerityWaves · 20/07/2014 20:05

I think you were v wrong to open the letter.

Julius02 · 20/07/2014 20:06

Hamptoncourt, you are making sweeping assumptions in your statement about people who don't have dysfunctional relatives. I have an extremely dysfunctional family, and have gone through some very traumatic times, but I still believe that an adult should be allowed to either choose to open their own post or not. The OP's husband is an adult and I fully understand her desire to protect him, but it is his post, not hers.

Bogeyface · 20/07/2014 20:07

I would go with "A card arrived from your parents, I was worried so I opened it. It isnt very nice, do you want to see it or shall I tell you what it said or shall I bin it?" and then leave it up to him. Thats what I did at the beginning with DH, and as I said, now I do it as a matter of course. He wants me to open them because I think he hopes deep down that one day an apology will come, that they will say they were wrong and that they love him. :(

Hissy · 20/07/2014 20:12

I agree with you opening the letter, and to hanging onto it for a while.

I'm kind of understanding the desire to destroy it, as I know what a single missed call does to your poor beleaguered husband, and the effects of the family for days after.

But he can't learn just how hideous they are if you make the decisions for him.

I think you should hold onto the letter for a while, then tell him about it and agree to sit down as a couple to go through it together. Take it slowly, ask him what he's thinking and ask him about his feelings (fear, obligation and guilt) and reiterate why you're not fostering contact.

Above all things, stay super calm.

EarthWindFire · 20/07/2014 20:13

Just spoken to my DP about this as he has a dysfunctional family. His reply was that it would be his mail and his decision as tonwhether to read it or not.

Meerka · 20/07/2014 20:29

Instead we get continuous voicemails, calls and texts so why today. To hurt him I suspect

I think after this incident is over that it would be a good idea to work out together what you'll do if something like this happens again - and also what you'll do if they turn up on your doorstep.

If you plan how to handle it ahead of time, that will help you both know how to deal with it. ALso, by talking over what might happen in various situations you can tell each other what the best method of support is. Each of you will know what to expect of the other in the stressful situatoin of having to deal with them.

My own view is that since the calls / texts / mails are continuous that you might have to say please do not contact us again; when they ignore that warn them that they are harassing you and then get the police involved to drive the message home.

Has your husband read the Toxic Parents book? It might help a lot.

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