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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children and moving out... AIBU?

77 replies

PenguinBear · 04/05/2014 21:19

If an adult in their early twenties moves out into a flat (that they pay rent for), is it acceptable for their younger sibling to use their room?

My youngest brother moved out in January and visited home this weekend. My youngest sister has been using the room as her study/work room. It looks lovely, she's put some nice pictures on the walls and some pretty pink curtains up.

My brother has gone absolutely mental with her and said she had no right and it's his room etc etc. My mum agreed

But I think she's wrong! I don't see why my sister can't use it and think my mum and brother are in the wrong. It's not even his childhood bedroom, my parents only moved here a few years ago and he's always hated the house and the village as it's not where he grew up (hence why he moved out).

My brother is now also cross with me for siding with her but quite frankly he's acting like a baby.

He's been home once in 4 months and probably won't be back for another 4. Why can't she use it?!

Who is right? I'm going to text my brother and tell him to grow up, if anyone has a nicer way for
me to phrase this, suggestions welcome
or is my brother

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 04/05/2014 21:23

You are right. Discuss it with him calmly!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 04/05/2014 21:23

My dd has already measured up ds's room for when they go. Me and dh are already fighting over her room (sewing room/library)
I think he is being a bit childish.

grumblepuss · 04/05/2014 21:25

Its not his room, he's moved out?
I don't have a room at my parents, I haven't set food in what was my room for about 5 years (I moved out 10years ago)

Summerbreezing · 04/05/2014 21:26

It's your mum's house so up to her how it's used. If she wants to keep a bedroom for her son should he need it then you and your sister need to respect that.

ClashCityRocker · 04/05/2014 21:26

Nope, YANBU.

My brother moved into my old room on the day that I left...it was bigger than his though so I don't blame him! It was understood that if I came back, I'd be staying in the spare room, which was brothers old bedroom.

How many years is he expecting to have a monopoly on 'his' room then? Is there a cut-off point? Presumably, he is paying board for 'his' room in your parents house?

steppemum · 04/05/2014 21:28

when my mum and dad moved house when I was about 18, my brother was 21 and owned his own house, and had done for a a year or too.

Mum showed him round the new house and he asked which room was his. Mum just laughed.

x2boys · 04/05/2014 21:28

How long is it going to be his room for my old bedroom is now my parents bedroom but hell I am forty married with two kids and I have not lived with my parents for many years he can't really have a claim to a room forever!

ICanSeeTheSun · 04/05/2014 21:29

Text this.

I know that it's a big step moving out and going alone and perhaps you like the security of knowing you can return home, but our sister needs space to be able to study and I hope you could support her by not making an issue about the room.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 04/05/2014 21:31

YANDU

Did your mum only notice when he kicked up a fuss?

Did he expect it to be keep as a shrine to him?

GiveTwoSheets · 04/05/2014 21:33

I think your brother and mum is wrong, the way it worked in our house if you moved out you lost your place/room even if you moved back you lost the main spot in the room and you had to live by rules of who was in room at time (3sisters in one room bro in his own room). So even at times one of us had to use my dads shed/office as bedroom! we was like yo-yos moving back

HicDraconis · 04/05/2014 21:33

My room at my parents' house was my room even after I'd left home for Uni and then work. I didn't have my own place until I'd been working for 3 years - it's difficult when you're moving jobs and locations every 6 months. They moved house and there was still a room for me in the new one, which later became a guest room.

Measuring up as they step out of the door seems a little harsh - where would they stay when they come back to visit?

My sons' rooms will be theirs even after they've left home and started families of their own. Have to have somewhere for them to sleep when they come back for a visit!

Lone voice but I think your younger sister was being unreasonable not have at least asked her brother if she could take over his room and make changes. I'd have felt very pushed out in that scenario, like I had no place in my family any more.

Summerbreezing · 04/05/2014 21:33

But surely it's up to OPs mum, who actually owns the house, to decide how bedrooms are allocated?

MaryWestmacott · 04/05/2014 21:34

I can's text is lovely. Or you could talk to your mum, and ask her if she wants to tell him that of course if it doesn't work out, she'll have him back, but he can't expect a room in her house to sit empty 'just in case' indefinately. Or if your mum does want to keep that room just for her DS's potential return, she needs to tell her DD not to use it. It's not really down to your DB, or your DSis to decide what that room is used for. Really your mum is in the wrong here, it's her house, she needs to be the one to take control, make a choice and then tell her DCs how she wants the room in her house to be used.

pregnantpause · 04/05/2014 21:35

Yanbu- but surely she should have asked first? I wouldn't have dreamed if taking DBS room without asking- I did take it when he left, but got permission, and, indeed help to move some stuff in. He might not have expected her to go in there- maybe he's left his porn/ private things in there thinking it would go untouched, and now feels his privacy was invaded.

I don't really get how your mum can side with your db - surely she knew her daughter had been using the room the past three months? If she didn't agree then why didn't she say 'dd, that's dss room, please stay out of there and don't change things' . She changed the curtains and decor- how had it give unnoticed by your dm?

pregnantpause · 04/05/2014 21:38

*gone unnoticed

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/05/2014 21:42

Agree with pregnant pause - your mum must have known your dsis had changed stuff in there surely? As such she should have objected at the time. I think they are both bu. I am 35, my parents still live in the house I grew up in, and I admit to a tinge of nostalgic regret every time I go back and they have changed something about my childhood bedroom - but do I have the right to object? Do I fuck!

GlaikitFizzog · 04/05/2014 21:42

My bed hadn't even cooled down before my sister moved in when I moved out. I was a bit about it! but mostly because I still had stuff there.

Your brother needs to grow up a bit. But maybe he is having problems being away from home and realising he can't just come home has maybe upset him a bit.

Have a calm chat

DurhamDurham · 04/05/2014 21:45

My 20 year old dd moved out last Oct but we still see her room as being hers, she does come home every few weeks and dumps her bags in there.....strange thing is she ends up sleeping with her 16 year old sister in her bed so she doesn't even sleep in her old room anymore

Original poster

PenguinBear · 04/05/2014 21:45

She did know about it but hadn't told my brother! My sister said she told her that it looked much nicer since she changed it and my sister kept it cleaner but then when my brother came back shouting the odds she agreed with him!
My poor old dad just stays out of it -anything for a quiet life!!!

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 04/05/2014 21:47

He is being childish and ridiculous. My exHs mum was obsessed with keeping all the DC room exactly the same, referring to them as x's room nod wouldn't even let visitors stay in them without ringing up adults who moved out years before for permission. She even got into stupid amounts of debt refusing to leave for years, and even then renting a 4 bed huse so they could each have a room the twice a year they visted. In their defence the DC apart from one all thought it was ridiculous too.

If he has left stuff in their then that's his own fault, he's an adult who has left. I'd be really cross with him if I were you/your mum and tell him to grow up and stop being a prat.

HillyHolbrook · 04/05/2014 21:51

I only had a room saved for me at home when I was at uni because if I didn't secure a job after my degree I would go home. As soon as I got myself moved out properly and was clearly not coming back, I didn't even want my old bedroom! I'm allowed to sleep in it obviously, and I'm not banished from my parents house just as I've got no bed there. There's a day bed in there now and my mums using it as an office come guest room. I didn't even care! I'm now a guest when I go home and sleep in the guest bed.

Your brother is being ridiculous imo and your mum even more so for letting her do it and then siding with him afterwards. If he wants his childhood bedroom keeping as a shrine, he should stay at home forever and ever.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 04/05/2014 21:51

Everyone know that the perk of being the eldest is getting the biggest room. The perk of being the youngest is that you get the biggest room after your sibling moves out.

That's how it has worked for everyone I know.

Your brother is being a childish knob. If I were your sister I'd just not mention it again and keep using it.

slithytove · 04/05/2014 21:54

DH left home to live with me at the age of 22. Within days his room was stripped, repainted, new furniture bought, and his older brother was installed in it. We had to stay in the now spare, previously brothers room when we visited despite it being a single. his brother is still there 5 years later but that's another thread

I haven't had a bedroom in my parents house since they moved house when I was 20 and at uni.

Seems normal to me. Your brother is being U and very precious. And I would just text that

pictish · 04/05/2014 21:57

He is bu...of course he is. I can't bear these displays of childish narcissism that some people have. It's a room, not a bloody shrine!

firesidechat · 04/05/2014 22:08

We have adult children. I think it's entirely up to the parents to decide what the vacant room now becomes. I wouldn't expect my one remaining child to move in without some discussion. I would keep it as a spare room for visitors and possibly use it as a study/hobby room when it wasn't being used for guests. If there is plenty of room elsewhere in the house then I suppose there is space for your sister to take it over.

Obviously your brother is being unreasonable.

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