Adult children and moving out... AIBU?

[PenguinBear]

If an adult in their early twenties moves out into a flat (that they pay rent for), is it acceptable for their younger sibling to use their room?

My youngest brother moved out in January and visited home this weekend. My youngest sister has been using the room as her study/work room. It looks lovely, she's put some nice pictures on the walls and some pretty pink curtains up.

My brother has gone absolutely mental with her and said she had no right and it's his room etc etc. My mum agreed

But I think she's wrong! I don't see why my sister can't use it and think my mum and brother are in the wrong. It's not even his childhood bedroom, my parents only moved here a few years ago and he's always hated the house and the village as it's not where he grew up (hence why he moved out).

My brother is now also cross with me for siding with her but quite frankly he's acting like a baby.

He's been home once in 4 months and probably won't be back for another 4. Why can't she use it?!

Who is right? I'm going to text my brother and tell him to grow up, if anyone has a nicer way for
me to phrase this, suggestions welcome
or is my brother

I'm the youngest, brother is oldest by 11 years. He had a large double bedroom, I had a tiny shoebox room that didn't even really fit my Barbie house.

I was told by my mum when I was little "when DB goes to uni, you can have his room". I couldn't wait!

DB went to uni. I was told I couldn't have his room.

DB joined the army and went to Canada. Still no room for me.

DB bought is own apartment 300 miles away. I STILL DID NOT GET THE BIG ROOM.

Eight years later, one night my parents went out for dinner and I just moved all his stuff out and my stuff in, and refused to move it back.

I still think it was flucking ridiculous I had to wait so long for it.

I think it is one thing if it is agreed, even tactically, that a room will become a younger siblings when one moves out, but in all honesty I'm not sure the brother is being entirely unreasonable to be unhappy - although he was wrong to express it in such a way.

I can, actually, see how this would make someone feel disjointed and as if they didn't "belong" and had no real place. Plus from the sound of things, the sister had her room and is essentially occupying two rooms: she doesn't "need" it.

He overreacted but I'm afraid I do see his point of view.

Of course your brother is being unreasonable. He's moved out and doesn't live there any more, so to lay claim to a bedroom which he doesn't use any longer is selfish and petulant. BUT your sister probably didn't move into that room under cover of darkness, and your mother surely must have been aware of it, so she's being entirely disingenuous about taking his side when he kicked off.

However, this is not your disagreement to resolve. He's being an arse but will be going back to wherever he lives after the weekend, so I'd let sleeping dogs lie, and for your sister to carry on regardless unless your mother makes her move out again permanently.

Never forget that although it's your home, it's your parents' house, so if they want to change the rules every five minutes as it suits, that's their prerogative.

How ridiculous! Of course you aren't being unreasonable but him and your mum well are!!! Especially since he didn't even like it!
I had 3 out of 4 of the bedrooms in my parents house, one being my sisters old room. I wasn't an inch upset when bedroom one got turned into a study, bedroom two into an ironing room and bedroom three into a guest room! Although it does get confusing when my mum says "your old room". Errr which one?!

I don't see how it's anyone else's business other than your parents!
It is not for you or your sister or your brother to decide what happens to it. The only opinion that matters is your parents.

YANBU.

I'm the eldest by three years and when I went to Uni my brother used my room (which was the biggest) as his sitting room. He couldn't move into it permanently as that was still my home. He hated when I was back during the holidays. I think he was really hacked off that I had to move back in after graduating.

As it happened we moved out to our own places within a couple of weeks of each other, but had I moved out first by any significant time he would have been moving his stuff in as I moved mine out, and I wouldn't have expected anything else.

I've had two adult kids move out. Sort of. One moved out and then returned a year later with baby in tow. The other is temporarily at uni. Each time someone has moved in or out, we've reshuffled the bedrooms to make the best use of space. At varying times both big bedrooms and the dining room have been my room.

This thread reminds me of this advert

YANBU. When an adult moves out of the family home, they move out. There is definitely no keeping rooms as shrines in our family. When my older sister moved out, my younger sister moved in to her old room in a matter of days. Older sister was a bit miffed, but my Mum pointed out to her that it would be ludicrous to expect younger sis and I to keep sharing a room so as to keep her room vacant for the visits home older sis made every few weeks.

DP has four siblings, they grew up in a four bedroom house, so the oldest had his own room, and when he moved out the second oldest got his room and so on. My Dad was one of 16 children in a three bedroom house, age gaps meant that not all were there at any one time, but still, space was at a premium, so the idea of leaving one's possessions in their room and having a claim to their space was laughable .

Shortly after I moved out, my parents turned my room in to a guest room. This didn't bother me in the slightest, nor did it make me feel unwelcome. I know I can stay over whenever I want. In fact, when DP is away for work overnight, they all but beg me to stay over. My sisters, our DP's and stay there every Christmas Eve, and despite not having rooms of our own, feel very welcome and at home.

Your brother needs to cop on a bit, I think.

I was the oldest and had the biggest room after my parents. When I went to Uni my mum kindly asked me if I would mind switching with my sister. (I mean it was kind she asked). I had ZERO problem with switching, it made sense, I was there far less than her. I liked my old room much better though, it was more private and quieter, further from the bustle of the house.

Once I finished college I had less than zero expectations of the room staying mine. I did usually stay in it when I visited but my mum repainted and changed the linens.

I think your brother is BU. Why on earth should all that space go to waste if your sister needs it?

My dad moved into my old bedroom within weeks of me moving out (parents have always slept separately due to work and latterly health issues - dad had the box room which is now Mum's study)!

I must admit I had a bit of a twinge when I saw it all redone, but I'm glad he's got more space now, and I still go back into 'my' room on the rare occasions I stay over .

My brother moved into my room when I moved out except that it was a pigsty when I came back during university holidays.

When I moved out my room was painted pink with glitter fairies and butterflies for my nieces.

Hes moved out. Tell him to act like an adult and not a 3 year old

While it's your parent's house so up to them, he moved out because he didn't want to live there.

That would seem to send a clear message that, erm, he doesn't want to live there, and has therefore, erm, moved out. And that means that who sleeps/eats/works where within that house is none of his business. Because of him not living there now that he's moved out.

And if your mum was under the impression, or of the opinion, that the room remained his forever more then why did she allow your sister to use it?

I think he's being just a tad PFB about this, is your mum reluctant to upset him?

When eldest DS goes uni in September, the youngest has already claimed his room; I agree with the youngest, he is spending every night at this house, whereas his brother will only be home for a short time every now and then.

Op; your brother is being very childish

That's insane. Of course he is being wildly unreasonable, and so's your mum.

Of course, I have a male who had three sisters, and a single mum. The house had three bedrooms. The mum had one, he had one, and the three girls shared.

After he moved out? The mum had one, he had one, and the three girls shared one.

In that case, it was all sexism.

DSD goes to uni in September, and she'll have a bed to sleep on when she comes back, but no room of her own. I think that's pretty standard. And your brother isn't even a student in halls who needs a place during holidays - he's an adult with his own flat. What the hell.

I think it's only fair to use the space, otherwise it's a whole room going unused. Doesn't seem very practical to me.

We had weird arguments about rooms when younger. When my mum first left my dad, I left home for nine months to work abroad, my brother had a room with mum for six months, then joined the army. When I moved back home, I took the empty room as my own. My brother never had that room again as he was with the army a good ten or so years. I was in it for a couple of years. But he'll argue with me that it's his room if I talk about my bedroom being turned into a bathroom. The house has changed completely since we were both in it, the master bedroom was cut in half and my room made into an upstairs bathroom, the downstairs (tiny) bathroom/toilet with a sink over the bath was made into a utility room just big enough for a fridge freezer and a stacked washing machine/dryer.

We both live at home with mum now, different circumstances, and I'm fine with it, but he seems dead against me being here. Like I'm in his territory or something. I took the smallest room, stay in it unless I am being social, and don't spread my stuff about the house, but he treats my room as his space too and walked in and took my mouse for the computer and still hasn't returned it. I wouldn't dream of going into his personal space without asking. I also do my own washing and clean my own space, along with making dinner and cleaning for my mum, but I'm the one who gets treated like I am bumming off my mum by him. We can't even sit in the main living area because he has his play station four set up and is always on it when he isn't working, on the headset, with background noise on surround sound up high. He probably thinks because he pays £200 per month and I only pay £60, but its proportionate to our income and neither am I paying off debt owed to my mum, or leaving it up to her to but everything I need. I get my own food if I fancy something beyond what my mum supplies, if fizzy pop runs out, I go but some for myself, where he just expects mum to go out and buy more. He has her car for driving, she drives her late husbands car, but he can't go to the shop and buy anything he needs?

It's obvious to me some people treat a room at home with mum as a right, and others as a favour until they get sorted to be independent again in my family's case. Since mum has always made it clear we have a place to go if we have nothing else, I would have thought there would be less room politics, more just three adults co-existing, but my brother who is nearly thirty proves that wrong.

YANBU.

I'm 32 and moved out of my parent's home when I was 18 (only visiting in uni holidays, not living there as I worked in my uni town or abroad). I have 2 DC, and have been married and a homeowner for nearly 8 years.

My parents keep my room almost exactly as it was with a little sign on the door saying "ice's room" and my old pictures on the walls (although mum has repainted at which point I successfully persuaded her not to put back the Oasis and Nirvana posters). It is really embarrassing.

My younger DB also moved out years ago and owns his own home 300 miles away from them. "His room" has been similarly preserved. However somehow he ended up with the bigger room. Drives me nuts when we both visit at the same time and DB gets "his room" (enormous double) all to himself whilst me and DH have the sofabed and my DC get "my room". My DB encourages this.

MOVE ON, people.

YANBU. It would be somewhat (not completely though) understandable if it had been the family home for decades or whatever, but if there isn't even that level of emotional attachment then it's just all very silly.

Unless a house has a few spare rooms going unused, I don't see why someone would consider a room theirs after they have moved out?

I am always surprised when I see this in movies, people visiting home and their old room still decorated like a teenagers room.

YANBU

But, when I moved out, I had a hard time letting go of my room too. My parents turned it into a closet basically. I was personally upset because it was mine, but I got over it. It was irrational, but it was how I felt. A few times in the guest room while staying over and I settled into it. Now after so long of staying in the guest room, sleeping in my room would just feel odd.

It is very selfish of him.

Sadly your mum has sent a clear message to DSis that DB is more valued in her eyes. That is a very difficult situation to get over.
DB is totally unreasonable. He sounds very spoiled and what is worse, your mum is enabling him. By not saying anything your Dad is enabling both their behaviour. I'm very glad DSis has you for support because I'd be terribly unhappy at the underlying emotions that have been revealed here.
My sister had a large bedroom - I had the boxroom. There was also a double bedroom that was kept "for guests" - and used less than once a year. She moved out at 24 and I went into her room. When I got married at 20, my mum boxed up the stuff I'd left in "my" room and reinstated all DSis's things! That hurt me terribly and was the moment I realised that DM did favour DSis, something I'd always suspected, but to have it demonstrated so clearly was awful.

Your parents are the ones at fault here; your mother wants her little boy to be able to come 'home' whenever he wants, to his own room. Your father is staying out of it because he doesn't want to make a decision that causes stress to him, despite the fact that his daughter is distressed.
I'd have gone for a workroom with a bed (so that there was room for DB to sleep)
Your brother is being foolish and immature, and your mother is backing him.
How long before your sister gets to move out?