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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children and moving out... AIBU?

77 replies

PenguinBear · 04/05/2014 21:19

If an adult in their early twenties moves out into a flat (that they pay rent for), is it acceptable for their younger sibling to use their room?

My youngest brother moved out in January and visited home this weekend. My youngest sister has been using the room as her study/work room. It looks lovely, she's put some nice pictures on the walls and some pretty pink curtains up.

My brother has gone absolutely mental with her and said she had no right and it's his room etc etc. My mum agreed Hmm

But I think she's wrong! I don't see why my sister can't use it and think my mum and brother are in the wrong. It's not even his childhood bedroom, my parents only moved here a few years ago and he's always hated the house and the village as it's not where he grew up Hmm (hence why he moved out).

My brother is now also cross with me for siding with her but quite frankly he's acting like a baby.

He's been home once in 4 months and probably won't be back for another 4. Why can't she use it?!

Who is right? I'm going to text my brother and tell him to grow up, if anyone has a nicer way for
me to phrase this, suggestions welcome Grin
or is my brother

OP posts:
Layter · 05/05/2014 07:40

YANBU, and your DB And DM are BU. My older sibling had the biggest bedroom, I had the weeny teeny one. I was permitted to use her room in term time as long as it was restored EXACTLY as it was for the holidays and any weekends she chose to return for. In the end I just stayed in my room.

The sacred shrine attitude utterly backfired as 10 years on she still hadn't removed her stuff despite having bought her own place and never returning after university. It was only cleared when I moved back in with a baby and needed the space, this was nearly 20 years after dsis went to uni.

Your DM seems to have a similar attitude, though is she taking the line of least resistance in order for an easy life?

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/05/2014 07:47

Thank You for all of the replies! I feel like copying your responses into a word document and emailing it to my brother and mum.

The room is white but while my brother was in there some scuff marks have appeared on the walls. Dsis asked to paint them white so it looked nice again and he said no they were his scuff marks and that's how he wanted them left. Hmm

He also said he was going to store some stuff in the room which couldn't be kept at his flat. it's been at his flat for 4 months and he only said this when he saw my sister using it. Mum agreed dsis would have to 'work around' his boxes. Angry

The whole thing pisses me off massively. Since he was a teenager she's always tiptoed around him and given him whatever he likes. This started after he was badly bullied at school and ended up with severe depression. (I don't why she feels guilty but she does). I know mum doesn't want him home though as she's told me how loud domineering he is and causes a row about everything so true.

It is quite upsetting to see though. He rings and asks stuff and I know she always drops everything to go to him yet my sister told me the other month mum made her buy all her own 'extras' at the supermarket as they couldn't afford it yet paid for DBs stuff as he couldn't afford it all his money went on bills.

Sorry for the rant, it just annoys me. Partly cos she allowed him to get the way he has with no boundaries and catering to his every wim and partly cos they expect my sister to pay rent, help with the housework etc (totally reasonable) but never did for my db and would be his personal taxi, chef and pa 24 hours a day Hmm Angry.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 05/05/2014 07:55

Your brother sounds like a complete child OP and your DM is enabling his silly behaviour. I know it can be difficult for people to stand on their own two feet, but much as I love my DPs, once I left home I never considered going back other than to visit. Is your DM scared of him? He needs to grow up and not be a selfish idiot over this.

flowery · 05/05/2014 07:56

Well, your brother is BU, but speaking as the sister of three younger brothers, I can't imagine a scenario where I'd feel it necessary or appropriate to get involved, tbh. It's between your brother, your sister and your parents.

Kissmequick123 · 05/05/2014 07:58

I think if an adult child leaves his room becomes duel purpose. Yes it's his room and yes it can be used by others. If he has the largest room he may be demoted to the smaller room

KatieKaye · 05/05/2014 07:58

Has it occurred to your DM that DB is a bully? And that she is assisting him? He is deliberately being nasty to DSis and DM is not only allowing him to do this, she is backing him up. She might say she doesn't want him at home, but her actions are telling another story.

How much rent is he paying DM btw? Because he must be paying rent to be able to exert such control over his old room that he no longer sleeps in, right?

This is petty power games notched up to a ridiculous level.

DM is pushing DSis away with her blatant favouritism. Can you talk to her and explain how DB's actions are hurting DSis and how her actions are even more hurtful? She has made a series of conscious decisions to prioritise DB and keeps on doing so, to the detriment of her other children. It sounds like DB is an unpleasant bully, but DM needs to realise she is enabling his behaviour and it will only get worse.

Goblinchild · 05/05/2014 08:00

How old is your sister?

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/05/2014 08:01

flowery I wouldn't normally be involved in such things but we were all there for dinner there yesterday and it all happened.

I don't tend to see my brother much, usually see my sister more as her and my dn often babysit for us Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/05/2014 08:03

My sister is 19 (at Uni but lives at home) brother is 24.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/05/2014 08:16

Your brother & mum sound horrible.

I hope your sister moves out as soon as she can.

Is there a garage or shed that his boxes could go into?

GreenIsTheWord · 05/05/2014 10:08

When I moved out at age 18, I barely had my foot out of the door before my 12 year old sister was in there claiming it as hers!

Prior to that she'd shared with our youngest sister so was thrilled to get her own room.

I must say though, if your dsis already had a room of her own, I can't see why she needs another to use.

If I was your mum, i'd be telling them BOTH that they couldn't have the room, and creating a guest room/walk in wardrobe/something for me.

Summerbreezing · 05/05/2014 10:09

If he'd been gone a couple of years I'd understand your view. But he's only gone a few months. It's a bit 'here's your hat, what's your hurry' to me. A lot of people boomerang a bit in the first couple of years after they leave eg if they lose their job, decide to move home for a few months to save for a deposit etc. I think I would have left it a little bit longer before just taking over the room like that.

Also, it's your parents' house so their rules.

MrsDeVere · 05/05/2014 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2014 10:16

I dont think i had shut the door and my sister had moved in Grin this young man is being ridiculous it is not his room his room is at his own house, tell he is acting like a brat

slithytove · 05/05/2014 10:19

MrsDeVere Thanks
Your dd sounds like she was a very special girl x

MrsDeVere · 05/05/2014 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pittacos · 05/05/2014 10:41

So your sister now has two rooms? Her bedroom and her 'study room'?

Why does she need a separate study? How did she manage during A levels and her first year at university when she only had her bedroom? Is her room a box room with no room for a desk or something?

I remember moving out for the first time as a grown up. A lot of the time I didn't feel very grown up at all, I felt a bit overwhelmed. To be honest, I can see why having your room in the family home snatched away without consultation would be upsetting. The security of knowing you have somewhere to go back to if everything goes wrong (even if - especially if - you don't really love it there) cannot be overestimated.

Family dynamics can be hellishly complicated. We read emotional messages into practical decisions all the time. This upset won't be about the room on isolation, it will be a lot to do with how your brother feels about his sister's role in the family, if he sees her as always being favoured over him etc. he may be right about this, he may be wrong. It doesn't really matter, if that's how he feels then of course he's going to be upset at her taking what he sees as his.

If he is a bit if a prickly character (and you do seem to be quite unsympathetic towards him) then it can be hard not to think that his own attitude of rejecting his family and being unpleasant has contributed towards the situation. But he's really very young and still finding his way in the world. He may well yet emerge as a lovely and valued sibling - why not help that along by trying to support him in making him feel as though he will always have a space on the family home?

This doesn't have to mean his room frozen in amber as a shrine. If his room is bigger, maybe your sister could swap with him so she gets the room bug enough to study in and he gets the box room on his infrequent visits.

Lauranda · 05/05/2014 10:46

I moved out when I was 18, mum gleefully counted down the time till she got a guest room. The once in my life I needed to move back for a few weeks I was let known many times it's not my room, I couldn't change it and its the guest room the house is not my home and I could only stay short term.

Summerbreezing · 05/05/2014 10:48

Your mum sounds like she's had a sad and difficult time with your brother - who has also had his own problems. Do you and your sister really need to add to it by getting into a big row over 'his' bedroom? Maybe you all need to grow up a bit and give your mum some head space.

diddl · 05/05/2014 11:35

Why shouldn't she have two rooms if it's not in use for anything else?

Is "his" room bigger?

In which case could she have that as her b/room & study & leave him the smaller room to store his stuff & sleep in when he visits?

Have made an assumption there that he needs somewhere to sleep.

If that's not the case he is being even more ridiculous!

Joysmum · 05/05/2014 11:49

I feel sorry for your sister. She's been undermined by your mother Sad

WitchWay · 05/05/2014 13:03

I left home at 18 & my big room was offered to my brother (I was fine with that) but he preferred to stay in his really tiny box room!

These days when I go back I'm in the guest room with DH & DS is in my old room - fine by me.

Your DM & DB are being ridiculous - she clearly still wants him to the "the little boy" & he is bullying & awful

Viviennemary · 05/05/2014 13:09

Logically speaking he isn't entitled to the room. But I can see his point. And why should his sister have two rooms. She should choose one.

whois · 05/05/2014 13:11

I got my sisters (much bigger) bedroom the second she moved out to uni! Luckily my parents did an extension at the same time so she did get a reasonable sized (of not as nice) bedroom rather than my old tiny one.

My room was kept as 'mine' until I finished uni and I was living somewhere 'properly' and not coming home for holidays. Now it's a spare room and my mum uses it for sewing and writing and stuff.

stilllivingbythesea14 · 05/05/2014 13:21

I do agree with GreenIsTheWord

I also wanted to give MrsDeVere my condolences. Flowers