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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with the inlaws?

68 replies

ameliarose2012 · 05/04/2014 10:51

We've invited them to a party at 2 this afternoon for DH birthday. Nothing fancy, just tea and cakes etc. It's kind of a long standing tradition in my family to do this on birthdays.

Anyway... We found out via text at 930 that they are arriving at 11. 3 HOURS early! I am not a naturally tidy person, so was gonna spend this time tidying and cleaning up. I'm not even dressed yet!

Yes, they live quite far away, and no, they don't visit much (another bone of contention - they are both retired, and get free train travel; we both work full time and it costs us £80 on the train to visit them), but 3 HOURS EARLY!!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
AMillionNameChangesLater · 05/04/2014 10:54

YANBU that's as bad as coming late

EatDessertFirst · 05/04/2014 10:55

YANBU. A few minutes early is fine. But 3 hours is just rude and crazy.

Direct them to the nearest cafe and ask them to come back later.

Failing that, just don't answer the door.

wowfudge · 05/04/2014 10:55

No YANBU - perhaps use this opportunity to explain you would prefer it if they arrived at the time you gave them because you like to take things easy on a Saturday and have things to do. I'd also point out that they are welcome to stay beyond the party, if feasible.

You could always text back and tell them you are out shopping and won't be back until after 1.

foslady · 05/04/2014 10:55

get them to help - they want to be there early, let them help organise because I bet mil probably wants to seeing as it's you making all the effort for her ds and she can't living so far away

craftynclothy · 05/04/2014 10:57

I guess it depends. How frequent are the trains? Could they have got a later train?

Can you get them to 'help' - take the kids out while you tidy or similar.

HowContraryMary · 05/04/2014 10:59

Why would your treat your childs grandparents like pariahs? How fucking rude to send your partners parents to a café. No wonder some of you find it difficult to sustain a relationship with anyone.

EatDessertFirst · 05/04/2014 11:02

I don't find it difficult to sustain relationships HowContraryMary. But then none of mine or my DP's friends/relatives are rude enough to turn up 3 hours early.

MrsKCastle · 05/04/2014 11:04

I guess it depends on your relationship, but if my in-laws lived a way off, I would always invite them for a whole day, not just the afternoon. I'd also expect them to arrive whenever it was convenient for them (although I would check their plans a couple of days before).

However, my in-laws would never expect to be waited on, and would immediately start making cups of tea, sandwiches for the party or entertain the kids for me. So they'd always be welcome.

Nomama · 05/04/2014 11:05

Smile and welcome them in. Then give them tasks to help tidy up or send them out to keep the kids occupied whilst you get a wriggle on in peace.

This will have one of two outcomes: they will never ever be early again or they will always arrive early and ready to help!

But don't let it wind you up, they haven't proven themselves monsters - yet!

HumphreyCobbler · 05/04/2014 11:06

I think it is fucking rude to turn up three hours earlier than invited with no notice actually.

HumphreyCobbler · 05/04/2014 11:06

or not much notice

RedRoom · 05/04/2014 11:09

I'd be a bit irritated too. My mother in law did this on my wedding day- just turned up at the front door an hour before my bridesmaids had even arrived, despite me telling her not to come early, and spent several hours fussing around pointlessly.

Three hours early, uninvited and unwanted, is too much. Tell them that that time won't work for you because you need to go out and get last minute bits & pieces and could do with the time without guests to be prepared. If they insist on coming early to 'help', say that you appreciate their kindness but the most helpful thing to you would be if they could come at the agreed time so that you can get on with preparations.

I wouldn't dream of turning up to someone's house three hours before invited. It lacks awareness.

Yambabe · 05/04/2014 11:31

I think you and your PIL are seeing this from different perspectives.

You are viewing them only as party guests who should conform to party times, they think they are visiting family and there happens to be a party going on too.

Pick the phone up, or get DH to. Explain that you have a lot to do for the party and would they mind helping. I doubt they are expecting to arrive at a pristine house with a perfect family waiting to entertain them. Explain that if they don't want to help you would appreciate them giving you a couple more hours to do your prep in peace.

I think YAB a bit U, they are DH's parents and it's his birthday, of course they want to spend time with him/you. Especially if they don't visit often.

FFS don't people ever talk to each other any more?

Jux · 05/04/2014 11:35

My ILs do this too. In their case it's ridiculous rivalry between dh and sfil.

Give fil the hoover and mil the bathroom cleaners.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/04/2014 11:40

abit irritating. depends on your relationship with them. if they are nice and can pitch in and help with no judging.. fine. it would work ok with my parents but it would not have worked with pils as the relationship was a bit tricky.

Mrswellyboot · 05/04/2014 11:43

Hmm.. I would welcome them in. I think they are really missing their grandchild

Honestly, I would say nothing. Always encourage grandparent I think. They probably want t fuss over grandchild and I would make a pot if tea and work away while they do that,

CoffeeTea103 · 05/04/2014 11:53

Why would you treat them this way. They are coming from far away, so what if they pitch up earlier? How rude to think of them in this way. They are family aren't they?

HowContraryMary · 05/04/2014 11:57

Family shouldn't need invitations in the first place

LucilleBluth · 05/04/2014 12:03

How sad, poor PILs.

Flyonthewindscreen · 05/04/2014 12:04

If ILs are coming early with thoughts of helping you get ready for the party YABU, if they are coming expecting everything to be prepared and you both available to sit and entertain for 3 hours before the party YANBU.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/04/2014 12:04

Anybody going to someone else's house shoud wait until the time they a meant to be there

CantUnderstandNewtonsTheory · 05/04/2014 12:05

Yanbu but maybe you could use the opportunity to send them to the park with dcs?

PollyIndia · 05/04/2014 12:34

Wow, I hope ds's future wife doesn't begrudge me wanting to see him outside of his party on his birthday in the future.
Just ask them to help. Surely they are family and he is their son.

Jux · 05/04/2014 18:08

Though in our case with the Ils, it was all posturing to win the alpha-male crown and jolly silly, I wouldn't turn them away of course. However, if I were busy getting things sorted out I would just carry on with that. From experience I know there'd be no point asking for help from them, but they would just have to take pot luck, as would anyone else.

It's not really such a big deal unless they expect everything to be ready for their arrival, and for you to wait on them and keep them entertained for the extra time. Just don't; treat them as extra helpers. It can be very bonding.

Good luck anyway.

Original poster
ameliarose2012 · 05/04/2014 18:46

It's not the coming early so much that bothers me; it's the not telling me they were coming early, and so not giving me a chance to prepare. I like my inlaws very much (though they do piss me off sometimes, but no more than my blood relations haha). I'm a little shocked by some peoples reactions tbh - I don't begrudge them time with their son and grandchild and never would. Just maybe let me know in future. I like things to be absolutely spotless when we have visitors, and turning up pretty much unannounced didn't give me time to get all my jobs done xxx

OP posts:
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