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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The kids are your 'job'.

66 replies

GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:06

Is what my husband said to me when I asked him to get up with our toddler as I had a sleeping baby on my arm who would wake up if I put him down.

AIBU to strangle/gauge out eyes/cause bodily harm?

But really... I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old. No family or friends nearby so do everything for my kids. My DH works 2 jobs and often gets home at 9pm, but works from home during the day, then goes out for a few hours at night to work.

He has never changed a nappy, done a night feed, given a bottle etc and he says it's cos he works to earn the money.

Is this fair enough or should I leave him alone with the kids for 48 hours and see how easy he finds it?

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:07

Oh just to add, I do everything in the house too, cooking, cleaning, washing, making cups of tea etc.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 17/03/2014 14:09

If the children are your 'job', clearly you don't need to do anything at all with him as he clearly doesn't help you at all with your side of things. Washing strike, cooking strike, shopping for anything that is for him alone strike...

Of course he's being VVVU and YANBU

Loopylouu · 17/03/2014 14:13

A family has to pitch in and do whatever needs to be done.

Yes, he goes to work, but he also needs to pitch in at home too, he's part of a family who all have to look out for each other and do things to help each other out.

Shallishanti · 17/03/2014 14:13

If you both worked (paid) full time, you would both have equal responsibility for the housework
If caring for a bay and toddler is a full time job (it is) then you can't do all the housework too.
They are his children too, and most parents who work outside the home look after their children when they get home.
A certain amount of housework can, in all honesty, be slotted around childcare so I think it's reasonable for a SAHP do do slightly more housework than their partner. But not all of it.
Maybe you should charge him for your time.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 17/03/2014 14:14

IMO if your DH works then the kids are your job when he's at work. When you're both at home, kids (and housework for that matter) should be split equally.

ShadowOfTheDay · 17/03/2014 14:15

depends on the "terms and conditions" of your "job"........

did you give up work to be a SAHM and say you would "take care of the kids and home?" so he could be supported behind the scenes to earn the money to enable that lifestyle choice?

He has 2 jobs ... he may resent that.

parabelle · 17/03/2014 14:20

Well he's right to some extent, the kids are your job if you're not working outside the home, but would it have killed him to help you with your toddler whilst you held the baby? I think he's being petty and very unhelpful and you need to have a chat about expectations. Why on earth wouldn't he want to help with the kids when he's at home, presumably he likes them and wanted to have kids? It's not like you're holding a sleeping baby and asking him to clean the toilet.

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:20

Yes, I gave up work to look after our kids because we both agreed that we wanted them to be raised by a parent, and he earnt more.

He is at home all week, sitting in the lounge room on his computer and then out for a few hours 3 times a week.

I might suggest we get a cleaner...

OP posts:
Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:21

He does play with the kids, but nothing that actually needs doing.

OP posts:
PoshPenny · 17/03/2014 14:22

I don't know about it being "fair enough" for him to be like that, but I just wanted to write I do understand how relentless and sometimes gruelling it is for you. I have 13 months and 1 week between my two (who are now teenagers) and the first year in particular nearly finished me off. I guess he thinks he's doing enough working 2 jobs and having the financial responsibility for you all. At least he gets a bit of a break from the babies with his evening job which I am guessing you don't.

not sure how you resolve this, you could go on strike and stop brewing him cups of tea and doing his laundry, but I'm not sure what you will achieve by doing that. I'm guessing what you need is the opportunity to take a couple of hours away from your children the same as he can. Him working from home is probably not helping things either.

dietcokeandwine · 17/03/2014 14:26

He is being an arse OP. My DH only has one job but it is one that involves very long hours, late night conference calls, overseas travel etc. He leaves the house by 7:30am latest and is rarely back much before 8 or 9pm.

Yes, he works (bloody hard) 'to earn the money'. And I work (also bloody hard, though admittedly it's a different sort of hard) to take care of the kids at home during the time he's at work.

But other than that we are both parents, together. He has always changed nappies, got up in the night (not for night feeds, because I bf, but we will alternate whose 'turn' it is if our younger two DC are ever up in the night with illness etc), done bathtime, cooked meals, washed up etc. Because he is my partner and the DC's dad. He actually wants to do those things and share the care of his children when he's not at work. Because that's what decent men do!

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:26

You're so right. It's like I have 3 kids to look after cos I have to make him lunch in between his conference calls which is really stressful when I'm trying to time bottles/lunch and naps for my kids!

I really appreciate him working 2 jobs, but having him sit on his butt all day on his computer whilst I'm running around like a lunatic trying to get things done makes me pretty resentful. Especially when I ask him to help and he refuses :(

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KellyElly · 17/03/2014 14:29

I have to make him lunch in between his conference calls No you don't. He's an adult and can get his own lunch.

GoshAnneGorilla · 17/03/2014 14:29

He is being hugely U! Yes, he works hard and needs time to relax, but so do you.If you work together as a team, things will be much easier.

The toddler & baby stage is very hard, but it doesn't lasdt for ever. Instead of having fixed ideas, it's best to discuss how you can work together to make things easier.

KellyElly · 17/03/2014 14:31

Especially when I ask him to help and he refuses Refuse to do anything at all for him and see how he likes it. Just look after you and the kids. Honestly, I really don't know where men like this get off laying down the law about this and that. It's just totally disrespectful. Only you can change this OP. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me as a skivvy tbh.

dietcokeandwine · 17/03/2014 14:32

Good grief GiveMe yes stop the lunch malarky straight away!

parabelle · 17/03/2014 14:33

Maybe you need to stop making him lunch around his conference calls and just make lunch, if he's there to eat it great and if not, put in fridge of microwave for later (depending on what you've made).

He sounds like he's working really hard to provide but so are you and he doesn't sound like he's appreciating that. And you need a break too and support. What's he like when you talk to him about this stuff?

Sillybillybob · 17/03/2014 14:39

He has seriously never changed a nappy?! That's horrendous. He's a father ffs. It's part and parcel of the deal.

I do our night stuff with the DCs because I work extremely part-time and so am usually at home with them and can take a bit of slack in the day whereas DH is expected to be in and on form and working at 100%. That's fine. We've agreed to that and tbf if I'm exhausted or one of them is throwing up everywhere, he pulls his weight.

I honestly don't think I could cope if it was left to me 100%. Does he need to work the 2nd job to keep the house/car etc? Or is it more that the extra cash is handy? It also sounds partly that him being under your feet all day is also not helpful. I feel for you OP. It sounds immensely stressful and pretty crap for you.

OpalQuartz · 17/03/2014 14:41

While he is working, yes it is your job to look after the kids. While he is not working he should help as much as he can. If he has never changed a nappy or given a bottle even at the weekend then he is not pulling his weight.

squishysquirmy · 17/03/2014 14:42

YADNBU. It must be difficult to work 2 jobs, but it must also be very hard to bring up 2 young children with no help from nearby family and an unsupportive husband!
Fair enough for the SAHP to do some housework around the childcare etc during the day, but most parents who work outside the home also spend time with their kids after work. Unless he works a 24hr day, 7 day week your children should not be "your job" alone.
Not sure if a 48hr break is even wise, unfortunately - if he has never changed a nappy or fed a baby I would be worried about leaving them for that long.

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:42

It always turns into a fight and he says 'fine you go to work and I'll look after the boys'. Obviously I don't want that, I just want a bit of help.

He's so used to me doing everything he would get do angry if I suggested he made lunch/made himself a cup of tea etc. I joke that it must be nice having a slave (but it's not really a joke!).

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AdoraBell · 17/03/2014 14:44

But you don't have 3 kids. You have Two DCs and a fully capable grown adult husband.

Can you Go out with the DCs? I don't mean are you allowed To, I mean can you physically pick the 2 up, throw together some snacks/ bottles for baby and piss off out for most of the day?

Toddler can't make mess if he/she isn't at home, you can eat out and throw away yoghurt pots/clingfilm or sandwich bags. Hey presto, no cooking or washing up from lunch.

And yes, he "works" but so do you, you just don't Get paíd and recognised for it. And if he wants To live in a family, in a family home then he needs To be an active family member. That means picthing in with keeping the home running and the family flourishing.

AdoraBell · 17/03/2014 14:47

He gets angry if you suggest he makes a cup of tea?

What does he say/ do when you suggest he makes tea or lunch?

Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:48

My 20 month old has a nap just after lunch for 2 hours so I go out in the morning, come back for the mad lunch scramble then put him to bed and have to hold my baby whilst he sleeps so can't really go out all day. He has also requested I don't go out all day incase he had a spare hour or so he can play with the boys....

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Original poster
GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:48

He gets really shitty and patronising to be honest

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