The kids are your 'job'.

[GiveMeVegemite]

Is what my husband said to me when I asked him to get up with our toddler as I had a sleeping baby on my arm who would wake up if I put him down.

AIBU to strangle/gauge out eyes/cause bodily harm?

But really... I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old. No family or friends nearby so do everything for my kids. My DH works 2 jobs and often gets home at 9pm, but works from home during the day, then goes out for a few hours at night to work.

He has never changed a nappy, done a night feed, given a bottle etc and he says it's cos he works to earn the money.

Is this fair enough or should I leave him alone with the kids for 48 hours and see how easy he finds it?

[Trojanhouse]

Agree with poster who thinks that you should get an evening job.
Let your dh look after his kids. Cheeky bastard
Even if you both worked full time he would probably still think that the kids were your responsibility

[Thattimeofyearagain]

What a wankbadger !! Wont even make himself a brew ?!?*&!

[persimmon]

Your job? Great, 9 to 5 then!

[Glitterfeet]

He's a twat.

I work full time, feck, I have to make my own lunch where's my chef?

I recently had a few weeks off between contracts, our kids are school age, so my days were unstressful. My husband often works from home and he made me a few cups of tea, he even did me a cooked breakfast one day. The reason for this behaviour is: he's a nice person and kind.

[Pigletin]

Sorry but did you have no clue he was like this before you decided to have kids with him? Did you not discuss the division of labour and/or his attitude in general before the kids arrived?

[Iggi101]

Why would a parent not want the experience of changing a nappy, giving a bottle etc? Love isn't just about playing.

[attheendoftheday]

IMO if your DH works then the kids are your job when he's at work. When you're both at home, kids (and housework for that matter) should be split equally.

^This

Your dh is sounding like a bit of a dick.

[findingherfeet]

I don't have an issue with couples having defined 'roles' as such but only if they are mutually agreeable...to be honest how you describe family life it sounds quite lonely not to mention exhausting and there's no sense of togetherness or care and support

[AveryJessup]

You're DH is a lazy sod. Nearly every man I know chips in with his fair share of cooking, childcare even in marriages where the man earns and the woman is home full-time. Why are you putting up with this?

[Hippymama]

He sounds like a twat tbh :( I'm a sahm with a toddler son and due a baby in the next few weeks. My husband works very hard during the week, but wouldn't dream of absolving himself of parenting responsibilities.

Seriously, what do you get out of this relationship as he sounds abusive and controlling? You haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities of his :(

[wishingchair]

I know someone like this actually. His wife gave up a brilliant job and I think he just looked at it very black and white and with absolutely no consideration to how exhausting, chaotic and draining looking after small children can be. He used to insist in all the bathroom basins being cleaned daily. Stuff like that. Like how was that ever a priority. I remember him saying to a friend wen she went back to work "you had the baby, least you can do is stay home and look at it". Things got better when the children grew up a bit and he could relate to them better.

But yes, he sounds very controlling and disrespectful. It would be ringing alarm bells. I wonder why and when he started working from home ...

[Atbeckandcall]

If that's his attitude, only cook for yourself and dc, only do yours and dc washing. Only clean the areas relevant to you and dc (he may benefit from those bit though), only make yourself a cuppa, buy the stuff only you need from the shops.
Then, and only then, he might realise that it's all a joint effort.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

He isn't going to get any better is he.

[NigellasDealer]

"getting angry if you don't make him lunch"
did you sign up to be his maid? no i thought not.

[lisac99]

I wouldn't want a job that involves 24/7 365 days a year. Surely his job gives him holidays and he works 40-60 hours a week?

In which case, he should be helping at the weekends and at night time.

In regards to the cooking / cleaning etc.. He should help cook and if he won't help cleaning, I would get a cleaner to take the burden off you.

I would be able to forgive a pissy comment 'The kids are your job', far easier than I would be able to forgive his attitude and actions RE: Not helping you at all and getting angry if you don't make him lunch.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

They are your 'job' when he's at work, when you're both there the work load should be shared. twat!

[defineme]

I think a lot of questions about whether an action is 'right' can be answered by asking 'is it kind'. He was being desperately unkind to his wife (who he made vows to) and his children by refusing to do as you asked.

He's treating you as an employee by expecting lunch etc. It's fine to make him lunch, but it's not fine for him to be angry if it's not there.
He doesn't appear to be treating you as a wife at any point .

I was a sahm and my dh pitched in with whatever needed doing when he got home. By never changing a nappy etc I assume he thinks your 'job' lasts 7 days a week 24 hrs a day, but his doesn't?

Why is he being so cruel to his wife?

I honestly would be considering my options if I was you.

[Ludways]

I'd be furious and he wouldn't get away with saying it.

He's their father, he needs to do fatherly things.

[Mintyy]

Urgh, how can you love a creature like that? What a prize arsehole.

[NigellasDealer]

besides 'your job' is 24/7 and his is not - how is that fair - yes the kids are 'your job' in working hours but that doesn't mean that he gets to cop out of parenthood does it?
and as for telling you to stay in all day 'in case' he finds the time to play with the kids, i would tell him to do one and take to going out for the whole day.

[caruthers]

Two people have children not one.

Therefore two people should contribute equally to the care and enjoyment of the children produced.

Apart from the obvious laziness your DH is missing out on a lot of the good stuff which he may very well regret when those times have passed and the children get older.

[AnnieLobeseder]

It's not remotely about who does what job or who earns more, it's about mutual respect and co-operation, and equal amounts of downtime. You get no downtime, running after him and the DC all day long. He is showing you no respect by treating you like his slave.

He seriously expects you to stay home all day to make him drinks and food, and so the children are there at his convenience to amuse him if he happens to have a break?

Sod that!

Tell him to look after himself like the competent adult I assume he is.

If he gets angry, he is abusive and you need to seriously consider your options.

The normal way of it is that as long as the SAHP isn't sitting around doing sod all but drinking coffee all day, both parents muck in to get children to bed and the last of the household chores done together before you both clock off for the evening and get a bit of time to relax together.

Nobody can cope with full-time care of 2 kids, a house PLUS being domestic slave to a man-child with an over-inflated sense of importance.

[AdoraBell]

That's what I think too Iggi

[LimeLelloLizard]

Why are you with him?

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

YANBU.

[TheBody]

he's telling you to stay home incase he's free to play with the kids!!

op really this isn't funny his behaviour is controlling and abusive. you need to think carefully where this is leading and what lessons your dcs will be learning about relationships.