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AIBU?

The kids are your 'job'.

66 replies

GiveMeVegemite · 17/03/2014 14:06

Is what my husband said to me when I asked him to get up with our toddler as I had a sleeping baby on my arm who would wake up if I put him down.

AIBU to strangle/gauge out eyes/cause bodily harm?

But really... I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old. No family or friends nearby so do everything for my kids. My DH works 2 jobs and often gets home at 9pm, but works from home during the day, then goes out for a few hours at night to work.

He has never changed a nappy, done a night feed, given a bottle etc and he says it's cos he works to earn the money.

Is this fair enough or should I leave him alone with the kids for 48 hours and see how easy he finds it?

OP posts:

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KellyElly · 17/03/2014 14:51

He's so used to me doing everything he would get do angry if I suggested he made lunch/made himself a cup of tea etc. Well then that makes him abusive as well as all his other redeeming qualities. What was he like before you had children? Did you work? Did he do his fair share then?

TheBody · 17/03/2014 14:51

he sounds mean and nasty sorry op.

sure you are both working hard but if you love someone you help them.

kc77 · 17/03/2014 14:52

He would get angry if you asked him to make his own lunch?! Fuck that! My dp works a full day, then comes home and cooks the evening meal, helps me do bathtime with our toddler and 3 month old and then we share the bedtime routine. He does his fair share of housework and always makes sure I have a lie in over the weekend, he also gets up in the night with our toddler, and he feels guilty because he gets to go to work while I look after the kids all day! Your oh is a twunt.

NaturalBaby · 17/03/2014 14:52

I think I would have kicked him out the bed.
My DH worked from home for a time when I had a similar aged dc's. It nearly ruined out relationship. If he doesn't have an office to lock him self out of your way then he needs to get one. Or send him somewhere with free wifi.

"He has also requested I don't go out all day incase he had a spare hour or so he can play with the boys...." Hahahahaha!

Dahlen · 17/03/2014 14:55

Your relationship sounds borderline abusive to be honest.

AdoraBell · 17/03/2014 14:55

How frequently does he have a spare hour and actually play with the DCs?

And when he does, what do you do? I would be taking a nap.

I don't understand How being asked To make his own tea can lead To being patrónising. I'm not saying you've made that up, just I can't see How he, or Anyone really, gets there from making tea. Is he often shitty and patrónising? Does he criticise the way you do things, what you do, your choices and freinds/family etc.

NiaceGuidelines · 17/03/2014 14:56

He has also requested I don't go out all day incase he had a spare hour or so he can play with the boys

what a selfish bastard. What about what might be nice for the boys? Why should they have to stay in just in case their daddy has spare time to play with them? This man is an arse I'm afraid. He is treating you all as if you were his property.

crestfall · 17/03/2014 14:58

That's absurd. If that's how it works I guess I should stop taking care of my kids then seeing as how I'm on maternity leave and still bringing more money in than dh is working full time! You both do what needs to be done!

squishysquirmy · 17/03/2014 14:59

"He has requested..." well you asking him for help is ignored, so why pay so much attention to his requests? It does not sound like a very even partnership at all.

He describes the kids as "your job" but whats even worse is he obviously thinks that he is your boss as well. Unless you stand up to him this wont change.

Ploppy16 · 17/03/2014 15:03

Sod. That. He's behaving like a spoiled brat! If he's desparate for a brew and too damn idle to get himself one suggest he gets a kettle for his workspace and some long life milk so he doesn't have to move from his oh so important work. Take the children out whenever you want for as long as you want, if was working in an office he wouldn't nip back to play with them when he gets the chance would he? And as for making him lunch and him refusing to help you out when your LO wakes up.... I'm actually cross on your behalf!
He's taking the piss left right and centre and yes, I would indeed leave him with the boys for a weekend to prove your point.

OnlyLovers · 17/03/2014 15:04

he would get do angry if I suggested he made lunch/made himself a cup of tea etc.

That's really not on. Stop doing it. If he 'gets angry', suggest he pays for a housekeeper/maid/butler for himself if he's so busy and so important.

wobblyweebles · 17/03/2014 15:09

Get yourself an evening job for the evenings he's home. Leave the kids with him. If he complains tell him that you're working so the kids are his job...

justwantitmadeforme · 17/03/2014 15:09

How has a parent been able to get away with not attending to the basic needs of a child?!

YANBU, I'd aslo let him make his own bloody cup of tea!

sorry but fathers despite working do take care of their children with regards to feeding and nappy changing!

PassTheSherry · 17/03/2014 15:10

No he is being totally unreasonable. I understand he has 2 jobs but for every hr he is at work, you are working just as hard looking after the children.

It sounds like you are also working hard outside his official working hrs as well though - doing the housework, and cooking for everyone etc.

So basically you're burning the candle at both ends and in the middle, whilst he sticks to his 'job' duties and does nothing else on the domestic front when he's not working. Even playing with the kids happens when/if he gets 'spare' time from his job, is that right?

He needs to step up.

wishingchair · 17/03/2014 15:20

I've been a SAHM, worked outside home and now work at home. When I was a SAHM I did most of the chores but DH so laid back would be happy to live in filth anyway, but we shared cooking/washing up that kind of thing. When I worked outside the home, we had a cleaner. Now I'm at home, still have a cleaner. Just cos I'm at home, doesn't mean I can get on with chores. Not fair on the company I work for. But I can make myself a cup of tea and lunch!!

It's hard OP because you both sound like you had different expectations of what life would be like once you gave up work. It sounds like you need to renegotiate the deal, and accept that it will need to be reviewed on a regular basis as the children grow and change.

Sounds like it is cards on table time. And don't be put off because of his shitty patronising tone. Suggest you let him know you want to talk in advance, then prepare so you have all of your points ready. Know in advance what you want to get out of it.

Ultimately he's the one missing out. But so are you - you're tying yourself to the house and therefore the de facto housekeeper. Children can sleep in pushchairs etc. Try to get out and about and let him fend for himself, before it really wears you down.

Iggi101 · 17/03/2014 15:25

I have read one page and feel really worried for the OP. He sounds unbelievably controlling.

TheBody · 17/03/2014 15:29

he's telling you to stay home incase he's free to play with the kids!!

op really this isn't funny his behaviour is controlling and abusive. you need to think carefully where this is leading and what lessons your dcs will be learning about relationships.

LimeLelloLizard · 17/03/2014 15:30

Why are you with him?

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

YANBU.

AdoraBell · 17/03/2014 15:31

That's what I think too Iggi

AnnieLobeseder · 17/03/2014 15:32

It's not remotely about who does what job or who earns more, it's about mutual respect and co-operation, and equal amounts of downtime. You get no downtime, running after him and the DC all day long. He is showing you no respect by treating you like his slave.

He seriously expects you to stay home all day to make him drinks and food, and so the children are there at his convenience to amuse him if he happens to have a break?

Sod that!

Tell him to look after himself like the competent adult I assume he is.

If he gets angry, he is abusive and you need to seriously consider your options.

The normal way of it is that as long as the SAHP isn't sitting around doing sod all but drinking coffee all day, both parents muck in to get children to bed and the last of the household chores done together before you both clock off for the evening and get a bit of time to relax together.

Nobody can cope with full-time care of 2 kids, a house PLUS being domestic slave to a man-child with an over-inflated sense of importance.

caruthers · 17/03/2014 15:36

Two people have children not one.

Therefore two people should contribute equally to the care and enjoyment of the children produced.

Apart from the obvious laziness your DH is missing out on a lot of the good stuff which he may very well regret when those times have passed and the children get older.

NigellasDealer · 17/03/2014 15:39

besides 'your job' is 24/7 and his is not - how is that fair - yes the kids are 'your job' in working hours but that doesn't mean that he gets to cop out of parenthood does it?
and as for telling you to stay in all day 'in case' he finds the time to play with the kids, i would tell him to do one and take to going out for the whole day.

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Mintyy · 17/03/2014 15:44

Urgh, how can you love a creature like that? What a prize arsehole.

Ludways · 17/03/2014 15:44

I'd be furious and he wouldn't get away with saying it.

He's their father, he needs to do fatherly things.

defineme · 17/03/2014 15:53

I think a lot of questions about whether an action is 'right' can be answered by asking 'is it kind'. He was being desperately unkind to his wife (who he made vows to) and his children by refusing to do as you asked.

He's treating you as an employee by expecting lunch etc. It's fine to make him lunch, but it's not fine for him to be angry if it's not there.
He doesn't appear to be treating you as a wife at any point .

I was a sahm and my dh pitched in with whatever needed doing when he got home. By never changing a nappy etc I assume he thinks your 'job' lasts 7 days a week 24 hrs a day, but his doesn't?

Why is he being so cruel to his wife?

I honestly would be considering my options if I was you.

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