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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you ever regret having children

57 replies

HadABadDay2014 · 09/03/2014 01:42

As much as I love and adore being a mum, I often wish I waited till I was older to have my DC.

I wish I travelled more, had more in saving, went to university and settled into 1 home instead of 2 moves and resettling them again.

Am I alone in thinking this.

OP posts:

TwittyMcTwitterson · 09/03/2014 01:49

That's not regret at having DC tho. That's wishing it could be postponed. I often wonder what my life would be like, particularly when I see childless couples. The thought of my dd not being here makes me feel physically sick tho. She is only in the next room and I miss her

The words 'what if' are enough to bring a person to their knees

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2014 01:50

I doubt you're alone, but I can honestly say that when I've thought about whether I regret having them it's always come back as a no.

Although they can be infuriating PITA it's a small price to pay, my life is better with them in it.

CheerfulYank · 09/03/2014 01:51

I had hideous PND with DS and did. I didn't want him to go away but I just thought that I should not have had him. Once that cleared up, no.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 05:34

No.
I wish I had had them when I was younger.

MummyBeerest · 09/03/2014 05:38

I don't regret having DD, but I regret things I didn't do before I had her.

Having children doesn't mean you can't achieve goals anymore, but it definitely does make you plan differently.

shadylane · 09/03/2014 06:16

Yes but only because I think I thought mothering was easy! Now I realise it's friggin hard and I wish I was better for them. I worry that I'm a crap parent constantly. I guess I should have had them older- they were both 'unplanned'- but I had in my head the idea of being a you g mum. Still love them ferociously though.

Kafri · 09/03/2014 06:26

I had a long and hard struggle to have DS and was one of the lucky ones who was successful with ivf. I'm all too aware that it could have been an entirely different story for me....

I was lucky in that I knew there may be problems and was advised to think about having kids earlier rather than later. I'm 30 this time and it took us 6/7 years to have him from first seeing my gp about it.

It's made me, somewhat controversially, believe that it's a bigger problem if some leave it too long and then find out there's problems and it be too late to help

My DS has been demon baby - reflux/colic/CMTP intolerance/constant frustration-whingey whineyness but I just have to remember how lucky I am he's here at all and all those couples going through what I did to get him and having to face the prospect of life without children.

Pollyputthekettle · 09/03/2014 06:43

No. I feel lucky. I have to say I hated the pre school days. I was a sahm and found the daily drudgery utterly soul destroying. In retrospect I should have got a job. Now its great though. They are 6 and 8 so they sleep well and I rarely have to clean up poo. They are fun and my eldest in particular is great company as she has grown older.

I love being a parent.

Brices · 09/03/2014 06:45

I feel as an older parent I don't have the stamina for being a mother. As a younger parent more of your life will be enhanced by the love you feel for your family. Your more likely to live and know and love your grandchildren. They say we get better second time round at parenting.

The university education you have later will be more rewarding because you will be mature and value the process much more so than an 18 year old. (Did degree at 18 and another at 38, education wasted on the young !

But yes I do regret having children, or rather my therapist would prefer "a part of me regrets having children".

My problem is integrating the person I was before children with the mother I am today. Personally I crave time away from them and when I do it makes me better at parenting.

I think it's so invasive in our society that the "mother role" should mean so much to us, so that when we want more we feel guilty for it.

What a ramble! You are definitely not alone with your thinking. Guess its a bit like "well with hindsight...."

Chottie · 09/03/2014 06:47

I had my DC young and now they are grown up and I am back to work full time and doing lots of things. For me, having them young was great, I loved being at home with them and spending so much time just being together having fun.

I didn't go to university either, do I regret it? no, I never look back, what's the point? you can't change the past, but I do look forward to the future :) OP your time will come :)

Brices · 09/03/2014 06:48

How old are your children OP?
I have just turned 3 and about to turn 2, so demanding little buggers. It will be better when communication gets better, I keep telling myself..

Anchorage · 09/03/2014 06:53

I sometimes miss the person I was before I had kids and sometimes miss the globe trotting, nomadic, risk-taking life I used to lead, but I don't regret having them.

wasabipeanut · 09/03/2014 06:55

I could never regret it. I just have to look at them to know that. I have found it hard though. I'm a SAHM that does freelance work at weekends and in evenings and I find the daytime drudgery soul destroying. I actually really enjoy my work but am often too knackered to appreciate it.

I have 3 under 6 which makes the day to day stuff relentless. I keep telling myself it will get easier bug at the same time don't want to wish it away! My youngest will start pre-school in Jan so can see a ray of light!

andadietcoke · 09/03/2014 06:58

I miss my lifestyle pre-babies. DH has flown down to London to the rugby today, and it's really hit home for me.

I also regret not being more interested in genealogy, and then I might have realised there were twins in my dad's family, because it would have been nice to have known it was a chance when we were planning to TTC.

Ledkr · 09/03/2014 07:00

Yes. Right now as I get up with my 3 year old on a Sunday morning

Summerblaze · 09/03/2014 07:03

I regret not doing things before dc. When we got married we spent time and money decorating and doing jobs in the house. We should have gone on more exotic holidays.

I dont regret having the dc though. In fact, i always wanted 2 and then decided to have another and now deciding on whether to go for no. 4.

I do like occasionally to have child free time and pretend i am young with no responsibilities. It makes me a better mother.

Sallycinnamum · 09/03/2014 07:27

I'm glad the newborn stage is over. I've never been able to cope with sleepless nights and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel as second DC will be 2 soon and should start sleeping in a little longer in the mornings.

I loved both my maternity leaves but I'm glad I'm back at work. Being at home all day with two under 5s for me is hell on earth and looking back, I think I came close to full on depression last year when I was out of work for a few months.

That said, I do miss being able to go out at night at the drop of a hat and I miss the foreign holidays and the disposable income we used to have pre-children but there have to be some sacrifices.

When I read some do the stuff on here it makes me thankful for what I do have.

georgesdino · 09/03/2014 07:49

No but since I have been a mum.I have a BA degree, soon a masters, been promoted to management, been lots of different places etc. You can do loads even if you have children and it doesnt have to mean your life is ended

plum100 · 09/03/2014 07:57

I wish id had mine younger. I feel old already - 38 - and youngest is only 2! I will be very old before they move out. Isnt that why they used to say life begins at 40? As your children were grown up and you had freedom again?

The grass is always greener, swings and roundabouts .

goodbyegoodbye · 09/03/2014 07:57

Yes. I regret thinking I could do it when I find it do hard and am doing a bad job. I regret that my poor ds has me as his mother. I regret the impact it's had on my career and my relationship. I feel guilty that ds will be an only child because I couldn't cope with another.

But ds himself is amazing, a joy, a pleasure. I adore him and wouldn't want to live in a world without him in it.

Wineoclocksomewhere · 09/03/2014 08:05

I was 39 when I had DD and whilst I love her and what she brings me, I also desperatelyenjoy time off too - like someone above I don't feel I have the energy I would have if I was 20 years younger. It makes me a better mum to know I can go off and have a break.

I also get the irritating grandma comments - as in people assume I am her gran, I know I can have the odd off day but I don't think I look totally haggard so this always rankles!!

fedupandfifty · 09/03/2014 08:06

I don't think I regret it as such, but I wish I'd been better prepared. I naively thought that dd's childhood would be pretty much like my own-fairly low-maintenance and rough and ready. I was prepared for the tedium and the relative poverty.

In my naivety, I thought that kids would take themselves off to school at around 7 by themselves like I did, play out by themselves til all hours, and entertain themselves at weekends. Summer holidays would consist of community trips to the beach and tadpole-collecting. Kids would get into scrapes and fear the wrath of adults. Meals would consist of tins of stuff and chips.

Nowadays kids seem so high-maintenance, with an endless round of sleepovers, parties and "activities". School is no longer somewhere kids go to learn, but an endless source of parental agony. Parenthood is not something to be enjoyed or even tolerated, but an endless source of anxiety and guilt.

So it's not having a child I regret, but having a child in the prevailing parenting culture.

GotMyGoat · 09/03/2014 08:09

OP - this is a really fantastic thread which I like to read over when I'm feeling down.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/781410-Does-anyone-else-regret-having-children/AllOnOnePage

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/03/2014 08:09

I hear you plumb
I'm 42 and my youngest is 1 yo.
I fear not being able to provide for them at university etc.
And not seeing/ being able to help with grandchildren.
I miss going out and having tropical hols, but DCs are much much better.

limon · 09/03/2014 08:12

There have been occasions when I've wondered if I've done the right thing. Usually when totally exhausted.

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