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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you ever regret having children

57 replies

HadABadDay2014 · 09/03/2014 01:42

As much as I love and adore being a mum, I often wish I waited till I was older to have my DC.

I wish I travelled more, had more in saving, went to university and settled into 1 home instead of 2 moves and resettling them again.

Am I alone in thinking this.

OP posts:

unlucky83 · 09/03/2014 08:16

Sometimes! but I wouldn't not have them for the world...
I had DC1 when I was older (early 30s), it was an accident and I felt it was disaster. Although I do sometimes think if not then, when? Would it ever have been a good time career wise? I would have been 40 before ttc!
I went to uni as a mature student after having been relatively successful in one career. I had just relocated across the country to work for a year or so before doing a second degree. 8 months later someone offered me a Phd position - as I realised I was PG (I told my supervisor before my parents!). I did get my Phd (and my partner started his own business working 90+ hrs a week when Dc was 9 months old) but it was an incredibly hard 5 yrs. I decided I couldn't go back to work straight away (partner still had business), then got PG with DC2.
Now I've been a SAHM for 8 yrs, in my late 40s and almost unemployable, definitely couldn't get a job in my field.

Sometimes I wish I'd had mine younger and got it over with...

or had an established career and kept my foot in the door before having DC2...

And had a smaller gap...as DC1 becomes more independent I realise that
DC2 is still very dependent - and will be for another 6 yrs.. eg DC1 left primary a year after DC2 started - how many years of the primary school run???

But then you can't live looking back ...who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Dishaster · 09/03/2014 08:23

Nope never.

They do my head in at times and can be suffocating. And I do look at childess friends going out a lot, having huge amounts of spare income etc. But then I get massive hugs in the mornings, I get excuses to paint with my fingers and bake massive silly cakes. My life is better with them in it.

And now they are older my life is coming back too. They can come to things with me, people are more inclined to babysit them as they look after themselves. When I am 40 they will be 14 and 12 and I will have my life utterly back. They also pushed me into my dream career, because I had to be a Sahm. But we needed money, so they inspired me to chase my dream and now I am a wahm. Best thing ever.

MissDuke · 09/03/2014 08:38

I had my first at 23 and now have 3 DC. Its hard work, especially dd1 who has SN. However I wouldn't change anything for the world. I built up a good career, working part time. Now I have left that and am at uni studying my dream career. I don't regret not doing the uni thing before children, despite the headache of juggling childcare and mummy guilt. I don't think having the children young has disadvantaged us at all!

Mumof3xx · 09/03/2014 08:44

I had my first at 20

He saved me from the mess I was making of my life!

I do not regret any of the three of them even a tiny bit!

ziggiestardust · 09/03/2014 09:17

When DS was tiny and I had PND yes, I did wish I hadn't done it! But when I got better and went back to work; that really was the turning point for me personally. I could not be a SAHM, and I don't feel guilt for one ounce of that.

A poster up thread said the parenting culture these days gets her down; I can sympathise with that. I subscribe to the school of parenting of benign neglect though And I genuinely don't care what anyone else thinks.

I had DS at 22 (DH was 23) and in hindsight, I'm glad we did because whilst it might not suit everyone; the hard bit is over and done with for us. DS is in ft nursery, we are both in ft work with my career having luckily not stalled at all, and now he is 4 later this year, other than the constant rising cost of childcare, I do feel we've got it wrapped up really.

I won't have another; I don't want another and I don't feel one moment's guilt. Not even if I try.

For me, the key was having and completing my family early on, and moving away from the baby stage quickly. I appreciate I'm very lucky though, as not all women meet their partners they'd actually want to have a baby with that early

olbasoil · 09/03/2014 09:21

I don't regret them but I wish to god I had done things differently. But I didn't, so we all just get on with it.

Supercosy · 09/03/2014 09:22

No, never. However, I would not have been ready to have had Dd before I did. I was 32. I'd already done lots of travelling and studying by then. As for money I've never been brilliant at saving but we are doing ok. I admit I had PND when I had Dd. I thought I was useless and didn't deserve her, couldn't cope with her but that passed after some months and never came back thank goodness.

I totally understand your thinking that you'd have liked to have done things in a different order. However, my best friend had kids young and then went on to get her degree and teaching qualifiction. She jobshares with me at my school now. It WAS harder for her but in other ways that made her more focussed than some of the other students. You can do it if you want to OP. I wish you lots of luck.

NorksAreMessy · 09/03/2014 09:33

I don't regret having them in the slightest. They have enhanced my life in so many ways and made me a better person.

My only regret is for the babies that are not here (two miscarriages) Even now, over 20 years later, I think about them often and wonder who they would have become. :(

Megrim · 09/03/2014 09:40

No - and that's coming from someone who never wanted children. Had them in my 30s, so had already done uni, travelling, career stuff. Now they are 16 and 9, and I love seeing how they have developed into bright, confident and happy people.

Helltotheno · 09/03/2014 10:33

OP nobody will tell you they regret having children because in our society, especially coming from a woman, that's the sentiment That Dare Not Speak Its Name.
But you only have to look at the stately homes thread and other people's experiences on Relationships etc to know that some people are shit parents and do not put effort into parenting, and to me, that's tantamount to saying they regret having children and essentially did not want to build children into their lives.

So in terms of actions, that's what 'regretting' having children means, even if those people would never come out and say it.

But what you're feeling isn't regret about having your DC, because I'm sure you're a great mum, it's more regret for the loss of the 'you' you could have been at a young age without all those serious ties and responsibilities, and the possibilities of being young and carefree.

That time will come for you OP. I don't know what age you are but as your kids get older, you'll get your 'me' time back again and get to do all the things you regret not having had the chance to do before, including going to university, travelling etc. At that stage, your friends who had kids older will be !

IWantAnotherBaby · 09/03/2014 10:34

No. But I wish I'd had them younger. Had 1 at 30, 1 at 34, and now expecting DC3 any day at 40! They are wonderful, and I love them, but would like now to be able to take them on wonderful holidays etc, and have now buggered it up completely by getting pregnant again...!

FreudiansSlipper · 09/03/2014 10:38

i do wish often time would slow down

then when i spend time with friend who have toddlers i am quite glad that bit is over

Brices · 09/03/2014 10:43

I do regret having children.
They're very young, I am in therapy, I hope one day to say I struggled enormously when they were toddlers.
At least I have help and on the better days hope

Branleuse · 09/03/2014 10:43

yes, quite often.
I love them all, but i find it very very overwhelming. 2 of them have SN, and i have mh problems.
I bit off more than i can chew

Brices · 09/03/2014 10:44

Brilliant line I read on here:- The days are very, very long and yet the years get shorter and shorter

needaholidaynow · 09/03/2014 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno · 09/03/2014 10:54

I do regret having children.

It's really brave to admit that Brices. At least you recognise it and you're doing something to help yourself. There's no shame at all in admitting that you struggle with parenthood and are getting help with it. I've no doubt things will get better for you :)

Brices · 09/03/2014 11:03

Thank you

lostinindia · 09/03/2014 11:06

I wish I'd had mine younger so that I could spend more of my life with them. Also would have been fab to have had three. Leaving it late meant that when I started ttc I hit a load of problems I'd been blissfully unaware of. A few ectopics and miscarriage later I conceived, far closer to 40 than I would have liked.
It is what it is. Lucky to have babies at all. Though yes it's nice to have the house and more security but I'd prefer the time you have.

bragmatic · 09/03/2014 11:07

Good luck Brices, and Bran. It is brave to admit and I really hope you don't get slammed for it. I hope for the best for both of you.

Iwasinamandbunit · 09/03/2014 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2014 11:47

I lost my eldest. If I had known how painful it is, I would never had had any at all. But regrets are a waste of time because you cannot change things.

Dahlen · 09/03/2014 11:56

No, but that's the simple answer.

If you asked me had I ever resented the fact that being a mother has undoubtedly held me back in many respects, the answer would be a resounding yes.

However, I am able to recognise that most of those things that being a mother has held me back from are things that I wouldn't even be aware I wanted unless I'd had children - they showed me a different world full of opportunities and revealed aspects to my character I didn't know I possessed. Had I known this before TTC, I might have decided not to TTC. But that's not quite the same thing.

I can also recognise that it's not so much being a mother that has restricted me, it's being a single parent with no family and an uninterested ex. Therefore, I have never felt resentment towards my children, only my X and wider society, although even that has now passed since I am at a stage where my DC are older and so those restraints no longer apply.

I don't regret anything in my life because it's all contributed to who I am now and the life I currently lead. And I am happy. It's been a bumpy road and one I might tackle differently if I had my time again, but I don't regret anything. Regret is a waste of time. All anyone can do is learn from experiences and try to bend the future to their will.

A big part of life is spin. Instead of thinking on what you've missed out on, concentrate on the fact that you will be still be comparatively young when your children are old enough for you to reclaim independence. You can then pursue your own goals much more aggressively.

Good luck. I think what you're feeling is something that most mothers go through at some point. It's that feeling where you realise that your sense of identity has been subsumed by being a mother and that you're not really sure who you are any more, let alone where you're going. It passes. It passes a lot more easily if you are able to find something to latch on to that's all about you and no one else.

Groovee · 09/03/2014 12:00

When you read of some of the horrors in the world and how difficult it is for young people to get jobs and homes etc, I do wonder what I did bringing children in to a world like this.

Highlander · 09/03/2014 12:04

Yes, I hate having to put my life second. I don't find having children fulfilling at all.

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