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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about not being invited to DBRO's wedding!

58 replies

wigglybeezer · 26/02/2014 21:48

DBRO got engaged at Christmas. He told us all to keep a date clear in April, it turns out this is for a party not the actual ceremony which is this Friday. He has booked a room for four, so one parent will have to stand outside( either my Mum or Dad)

I can't help but feel sad not to be there, it makes me feel as though he does not value me as much as I do him. I don't care about not getting to buy a nice new dress etc.

I had a small wedding myself, only immediate family and two oldest friends, so understand not wanting a fuss but I don't know anyone who has done this when they have had a good relationship with siblings ( I know two couples who did this, one did not get on with siblings and had lost other significant family members, the other married for visa reasons and all siblings lived on different continents)

I am going to send a big bunch of flowers, watch DS3 in his assembly and try not to get upset.

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 26/02/2014 21:51

Hmm yannu to feel sad but at the same time it's not personal either. Nobody is going to be there really. It's not like they are having a huge wedding with friends and all sorts and you're not invited. They are also nbu to have the wedding they want. There could be a million reasons they are doing it this way none of which matter this is what they have chosen and you are invited to the celebration of the day afterwards as is everyone else.

SantanaLopez · 26/02/2014 21:51

I can understand why you are upset, and I would secretly be very sad that my parents had to decide who was staying.

But I think sending a big bunch of flowers and staying quiet is the best thing. Maybe you could ask them to make sure they take lots of photos?

bodybooboo · 26/02/2014 21:53

I would be pissed off too and sad.

at one parent waiting outside?? that's very strange.

DavenotChas · 26/02/2014 21:55

Try to remember that the decision they've made isn't about you. For whatever reason, this is the way that your brother and almost SIL have decided to get married and you need to respect that and wish them we'll. Enjoy the party in April, that's the way they obviously want to celebrate with you. [Thanks]

MisForMumNotMaid · 26/02/2014 21:55

Are there sibling issues on the other side of the family?

Was your DBRO concerned that childcare etc would be all a bit complicated?

DavenotChas · 26/02/2014 21:56

Must proof read! Well and Thanks

MerylStrop · 26/02/2014 21:56

YABU

They want you at the celebration of their marriage - the party - not just the technical stuff of making the vows.

It's not a judgement on your relationship with you brother.

Let it go and be happy for them.

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 26/02/2014 22:01

The one parent outside is upsetting me too, I know how I would feel if one of my DS's asked me to do that.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 26/02/2014 22:03

I'd be sad too, especially for the poor parents that aren't even allowed in the room but will presumably have to be there with the other one.

How horrible!

I think that's quite mean actually.

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 26/02/2014 22:11

I did wonder about SIL's brother being an issue, unfortunately he lost his partner in an accident last year, SIL might be avoiding upsetting him.

Child care would not be a problem as all nieces and nephews are at school.

If he had said, do you mind not bringing the kids as the room only seats twelve, that would have been fine.

I slightly suspect he is trying to save money ( just bought a house and had a baby) he has loads of friends, has been a best man many times and feels that he should invite everybody or nobody, I don't think his friends would have felt left out if he invited his sisters though.

I'll get over it, my new sister in law is lovely at least.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 26/02/2014 22:24

You sound really lovely, OP.

TeamEdward · 26/02/2014 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGSR · 26/02/2014 22:26

Does your SIL have a large family? My mums family is huge, when my aunt got married she didn't even tell anyone except my grandparents until after! No one took it personally as they understood that otherwise a small wedding wound be impossible without only inviting half the family.

firesidechat · 26/02/2014 22:41

What TeamEdward said.

I'm trying to imagine a ceremony room which takes 4 people and failing abysmally.

OP I can understand the need for a small private wedding, but surely they could have found somewhere that would take all the parents at least. Very odd.

firesidechat · 26/02/2014 22:43

I've just realised that 4 is the very least number that you need for a wedding - bride and groom plus witnesses. Now that is small.

Unexpected · 26/02/2014 22:46

What kind of wedding venue holds four people? Surely you need the bride, groom, 2 witnesses, the registrar and then - parents? At that rate, none of them are gong to fit. Is he getting married in a wardrobe?

BackforGood · 26/02/2014 22:51

I too am confused about the "He booked a room for 4" sentence - can you explain that please? I can't get my head round the idea of making one of your parents stand outside when you are getting married. Confused

Like you, I would be very upset if my brother (or ds when the time comes) did that, or felt it was in any way appropriate. You are reacting much better than I would.

MerylStrop · 26/02/2014 23:03

It sounds to me that they really really just wanted to get the actual getting married bit over with, maybe had toyed with doing it secretly and just telling you all afterwards.

The party is the main celebration of their marriage - you will all cope.

FlockOfTwats · 26/02/2014 23:14

Yanbu to feel different but ultimately its his choice.

If i got married i probably wouldn't invite anyone. I don't want a big fuss.

The person i would want there probably would be able to so i would probably just have a friend as a witness.

My dad married with none of us there and our relationship is fine.

CalmTheFarm · 26/02/2014 23:24

YANBU, but they may have only wanted a small wedding. If no other siblings were invited I wouldn't take it personally. When my brother got remarried they only invited their 4 adult children and no one else.

It does sound a bit weird that one of your parents will have to stand outside. How big is the room?

HorraceTheOtter · 26/02/2014 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ratbagcatbag · 26/02/2014 23:40

Erm you're not the dbro or dsil to be are you Horrace?

TeamEdward · 26/02/2014 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmyview · 26/02/2014 23:47

When we got married, we didn't invite aunts & uncles, because it would have made the wedding service very lop-sided - I have a big family, DH does not. He didn't want his parents to feel like guests at my family's party. I'm sure my aunts & uncles were a bit hurt / upset, and I'll always be thankful they were tactful enough to keep it to themselves. I rather regret it now, but it seemed like the right idea at the time. It wasn't a personal slight.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/02/2014 00:51

I would be absolutely gutted.

Surely if he asked you to keep the date, something has gone badly wrong? Depends on your finances, but if I had some spare I'd be laying on the 'family money' line quite strongly.