Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about not being invited to DBRO's wedding!

58 replies

wigglybeezer · 26/02/2014 21:48

DBRO got engaged at Christmas. He told us all to keep a date clear in April, it turns out this is for a party not the actual ceremony which is this Friday. He has booked a room for four, so one parent will have to stand outside( either my Mum or Dad)

I can't help but feel sad not to be there, it makes me feel as though he does not value me as much as I do him. I don't care about not getting to buy a nice new dress etc.

I had a small wedding myself, only immediate family and two oldest friends, so understand not wanting a fuss but I don't know anyone who has done this when they have had a good relationship with siblings ( I know two couples who did this, one did not get on with siblings and had lost other significant family members, the other married for visa reasons and all siblings lived on different continents)

I am going to send a big bunch of flowers, watch DS3 in his assembly and try not to get upset.

OP posts:
FlockOfTwats · 27/02/2014 01:06

LRD Maybe he meant keep the date for the party, not the ceremony. If the OP does not work then he wouldn't have had to clarify that she doesn't need to take time off etc.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/02/2014 01:10

Oh, I see ... yes. Still, I think if it were my brother, I would be surprised and would feel something bad must have happened.

SacharissaCripslock · 27/02/2014 01:16

I didn't invite my sisters to my wedding. At first I didn't even invite my parents! I love and get on well with all of them. But it really was about the marriage and not the wedding for us so it was veeeery small and no party afterwards. We ended up with my parents and two of DH's friends.

Not being invited doesn't reflect on how much your brother loves you.
YANBU to feel sad as of course you want to be there.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2014 01:18

This would really annoy me. You're his sister not a random person. You'd be within your rights to tell him to get lost. But you won't.

EmmelineGoulden · 27/02/2014 01:28

We only had parents at our registery ceremony (there was room for all four parents though). Then we had a big party a few weeks later that we invited everyone to. To be honest it didn't occur to us to ask more to the registry. To us that was just the formal paperwork exercise, from our perspective the real wedding was the party, and that's the date we celebrate as our anniversary. Perhaps your brother feels the same.

FlockOfTwats · 27/02/2014 01:55

I don't think it would be very fair to have a go at him over it. Not everyone wants a big soppy family affair for the ceremony. I certainly don't.

I understand being disappointed but having a pop at him? No.

Sceptimum · 27/02/2014 03:02

What Horace said.

They may well view the legal bit as a formality and the party with family and friends as the actual wedding. That's what we did when we got married - we did the legal and document stuff with just witnesses so we had it sorted out and could just enjoy the gathering after. Our wedding date - the one on our rings etc - is the day of the bigger gathering. We kept it super small for the registry office partly because some people Were getting confused and thinking they weren't invited to the "real" wedding.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/02/2014 06:48

Let him have the wedding he wants. My DBro and DSIL got married with just the two of then there. No issues with family at all. We were a little sad, but it was more important that they had exactly what they wanted. Bury your disappointment and be happy for them.

MistyB · 27/02/2014 06:54

It does sound like they might have done it to save her brother some pain.

Panzee · 27/02/2014 06:59

My brother got married at Gretna, told me the week before. Nobody was invited. We are all really close as a family but that's what they wanted. I was fine with it, and even if I wasn't I'd no right to have a go at him over it.
Try not to worry about your parents, they're big enough to have their own feelings. Go and have fun at the party. :o

Nerfmother · 27/02/2014 07:09

Whatever you do, don't go to the party in April with your dcs dressed in track suits to make the point that it's not a wedding. Grin
This is what sil did to us and I have never quite forgiven her.
We'd both been married before and didn't want to say the vows in front of au audience, we'd had dcs early, so just had two friends followed the next day by reception. To which everyone was invited.

Beehatch · 27/02/2014 07:24

Our registry office has a tiny room they can use for weddings. On the wedding party side of the desk I'm not sure they even have room for 4 chairs, the witnesses may have to stand!

I think the comment about them not even seeing this part as the wedding is likely to be true. It takes 15 minutes max, there is very little formal ceremony and most of it is form filling. The emotional closeness and celebration will all be directed at the party, that is where they want to show their love and appreciation. I think you should respect their wishes.

Sangelina · 27/02/2014 08:52

We got married in Gretna, just us two and the photographer and wedding coordinator as witnesses. It was what we wanted, plain and simple. It's not about you. It's their marriage.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 27/02/2014 09:14

I agree that they see it as a formality - they wouldn't invite you to watch them submit their intention forms either.

There is a long-running wedding thread where the OP has decided to have a quiet register office signing and then a big community "do" a week later. The response on that thread has been far more positive than I see here.

If as pp says the cost difference is £400 ... well at most weddings that's eight or ten extra guests, and at a budget wedding it could easily be twenty. I bet they're actually trying to be inclusive, not exclusive.

When a friend had a very small wedding and a big do afterwards, they had a rolling slideshow of images and video from the ceremony playing during the party. Could you suggest that? It really made us all feel part of what had been a very intimate affair.

Stricnine · 27/02/2014 09:17

I have been at a wedding very much like this (there were six of us) - it's actually quite nice, although in my case DH was one the two witnesses, the other being the bride's best friend .. bride & groom had no living parents, but both witnesses were allowed a 'plus 1' ... it was quite sweet and personal (and very short!)

halfwildlingwoman · 27/02/2014 09:36

I am very close to my sisters and parents. They are not invited to my wedding. We're having DC.and 2 witnesses. We're telling them all afterwards. I know this will put me in the doghouse for a while, but this is the only way we will ever do it. We aren't having a party either, I want a new stair carpet.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 27/02/2014 09:40

I slightly suspect he is trying to save money ( just bought a house and had a baby) he has loads of friends, has been a best man many times and feels that he should invite everybody or nobody, I don't think his friends would have felt left out if he invited his sisters though.

This seems fair enough to me. They could have eloped away but are still being honest. I understand being a bit sad about it, but owuldn't take it personally

kentishgirl · 27/02/2014 09:59

There are weddings like this, and they may have made this decision for cost reasons, or because they see the marriage formalities as a private thing, or all sorts of reasons. Please don't be offended.

for those who find the idea of a 4 person wedding strange, I think they'll become more and more common.

Our county registrar service is big on weddings. They do have some beautiful historic buildings. You can have a lovely long ceremony with readings, music, etc and up to about 120 people at some of the offices. This is a money making thing for them. At our local register office, the 40 person room costs nearly £500 for the ceremony.

However, they have a legal duty to offer 'statutory' weddings to those who can't afford the whole shebang. This is restricted to only the statutory paperwork/ceremony and the statutory basic fees. However, if you go for this option, yes, you only get 4 people at the wedding - the legally required bride, groom, and 2 witnesses. It's in a small office. No one else is permitted to attend.

It's crap, isn't it. If you are on a tight budget you aren't allowed a normal wedding with family there.

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 27/02/2014 16:36

I think I would have been fine if they had done it all in secret and announced it after the fact, I think my poor bro made a bit of an error in the way he announced his plans as he implied he was inviting us and then " down - graded" the invite to party only. I had allowed myself to get all excited about it. It suppose it's not something most people get a lot of practice with, I found it tricky to get right myself; at my own small wedding ( 12 guests only) about 12 extra friends travelled hundreds of miles to turn up at the church anyway and we had to take them out for a meal afterwards! We had also planned a big party for later in the year but they wouldn't wait!

Horacetheotter, if you are my SIL, don't worry, no hard feelings at all.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 27/02/2014 17:02

I think I would be most upset for my parents sake. I totally understand someone wantng a small no-fuss wedding. It makes a change from all the bridezilla threads! But to organize something where one of your parents has to miss it is a bit harsh.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/02/2014 17:52

I'd be upset too, its the vows not a party that the marriage should be about.

Never understood the point of a party afterwards for everyone else, suspect its a gift gathering exercise.

EmmelineGoulden · 27/02/2014 18:20

Wow, you are rude Happy. Our party for everyone wasn't a gift gathering exercise. We asked for no gifts (and meant it).

We had a ceremony at the party, it just wasn't a legal one. Mainly we had wanted to arrange our wedding as we pleased and the place we wanted wasn't licensed (only churches and the registry office were when I got married). So we got the formalities out of the way and then arranged to celebrate a wedding in a way that was meaningful to us.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 27/02/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 18:55

Oh God, I did a similar thing but with more distant relatives and i now regret. Our choice blah, blah, blah, but we had not thought through the effect. People who loved us understood but were (I think) still a little hurt. To them, the ceremony was the most important thing, and now, 20 years later, I see their point. Others were openly arsey about it.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 18:56

OP- you sound lovely, BTW