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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop seeing this guy? Dating dilemma!

72 replies

tigerbear · 19/02/2014 20:27

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible:

I've been seeing a guy I met on an online dating site since mid Dec (we had a date before Christmas, then apart for 2 weeks, when we exchanged many texts and approx 30 emails, all quite romantic)
Have seen each other 1-2 times a week since start of Jan, and been sleeping together since then, after 2nd date.

Problem is that he's been online on the dating site pretty much every day or every couple of days for the duration of us seeing each other.
Earlier, I tried to convince myself it was just so he could look at my profile, but my profile expired a few weeks ago, yet he's still on there all the time (sometimes within hours of being with me)

We spent Wed and Thurs together last week, plus Valentine's Day and most of Sat, yet he was back online Sun, Mon, twice yesterday and this eve.

He swears he isn't chatting to anyone else or seeing anyone else (I confronted him about it and said I'd seen him online, and he said he got a few 'likes' and was curious about the girls who'd been in touch, but that he hadn't initiated any conversations for a while)

Hmm, AIBU to end it over this?
The times we spend together are great and he just doesn't seem the type to mess about, yet I'm not sure if I'm being taken for a fool...

OP posts:
Stuckonthebaby · 19/02/2014 20:35

How do you know he's been on the site? Surely you've been on it too then? So how do you know he's not checking up and wondering why you're on it every day? Unless I'm missing something as have never been on a dating site!

daisychain01 · 19/02/2014 20:39

What's your gut-feel about this man? You've been together quite a lot over the past 2 months, do you feel that you have a good connection, or is there something "not quite right".

If you feel there is something missing i'd go by your intuition. The fact you asked him and he carries on doing it, well he's in a different place to you Sad

In honesty, online dating sites are a cattle market for those who want it that way. If he's carrying on eye-ing up the talent, seeing what else is on offer, well to me that means he has a roving eye and wants to keep his options open.

I have dated two people via a dating site, the first one sounded a bit like your man, always keeping his eye open just in case "something better" comes along. The second is now my DP, he closed down his account after a few weeks of us dating, while I was standing by his computer! He just wanted to be in the real world relationship, not 'dating cyberspace.

brunette123 · 19/02/2014 20:43

I wouldn't like this. If he is serious about you or at least serious about being exclusive for however long it last, then it is not on. He could choose to hide his profile so that no one can view it and he wouldn't get winks or likes or whatever. How long is it till his subscription expires? How would he feel if you had renewed yours? Sorry but sounds to me like he is keeping his options open. Maybe he is emailing other women, maybe he has seen some other women. When I did online dating a few years ago, when I met someone, we each hid our profile so whilst not cancelling our subs incase it didn't work out, we at least were off the scene.

Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 20:55

Thanks for the replies.

Stuck - I don't have a profile anymore, but simply from logging onto the site, it's easy to see when someone has been online as their profile comes up in the search results first for their location, on the first page of search results, if that makes sense? It also states when that person is online at that very point in time you are viewing, by saying 'online now'

Daisy and Brunette - when I'm with him, he seems so sincere and genuine - it's difficult to equate his personality with the person who is online all the time. Yes, I think he is in a different place to me, sadly.
I was the first person he'd had a date with online (or so he says) and we began emailing just a day after he subscribed. So I guess it's natural that he would want to see other people - and I've said this to him - yet he says he isn't...
It does seem like he's trying to keep his options open.

I've been in a serious online dating relationship before and like you both, in this instance we both agreed to delete our profiles after about 6 weeks.

OP posts:
mumminio · 19/02/2014 20:56

Dumpable offence. Perhaps consider holding back longer than one date next time!

Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 20:58

Brunette - I think he has about 2 weeks left on the site until his sub expires, so I'm guessing he's trying to get messages out to as many people as possible before it expires!

OP posts:
Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 21:07

Mumminio - it kind of felt right at the time, but in retrospect perhaps it was too soon. He was certainly keen, yet a few weeks ago he told me he prefers it when women don't have sex too soon, he find it more interesting when they don't.. Herein is my problem perhaps - he's lost interest too quickly?
Sad that there are the old double standards for women having sex early on though...

OP posts:
HerBigChance · 19/02/2014 21:14

If he thinks like that, he's not worth being with, IMO.

There is no set time for either sex to have to 'put out' or 'hold out', only when it feels right for both parties concerned.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/02/2014 21:16

He's on the site because he's keeping his options open.

He isn't sufficiently into you. I'd move on - briskly and cheerfully - before it all gets painful.

JeanSeberg · 19/02/2014 21:19

He's not denying it and he's actually told you that he's checking out girls on a dating site so how much more proof do you need that he's keeping his options open and this isn't exclusive?

Nothing wrong with sex on a second date but it can lead to emotional involvement and therefore upset when you don't really know enough about the person.

Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 21:22

Her - Exactly! It seemed totally right for both of us at the time, I had no hesitations (and neither did he!!)

Atrocious - sadly, you are probably right.
I probably know it, deep down, but I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and been trying to believe him when he says he isn't chatting to anyone else. I'm just really sad that someone who seems so nice in person - and who sends lovely texts saying he misses me, can't wait to see me etc - is messing about.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 21:26

Jean - I know, I sound like a mug, but I really believed him when he said 'just trust me, I'm not chatting to or seeing anyone else' when I confronted him :(

Thanks for the advice everyone

OP posts:
brunette123 · 19/02/2014 21:27

Ah I feel for you but think you already know how you feel about this OP. I wouldn't like it. You are too nice for all this crap so soon. If he felt he had met the right person in you, then it would not matter that you were the first person he had met - he would have got what he wanted immediately rather than having to trawl through profiles and meet lots of other (unsuitable) women and that he was lucky to have met you so soon! Some people never meet anyone decent online. He may be sincere and genuine but as you said, this is when you are together!

JeanSeberg · 19/02/2014 21:33

In his world though he is a lovely person - he's just very good at compartmentalising things.

Don't feel like a mug, you've acted on your instincts by seeking advice and have learned a valuable lesson for future dating.

Bin him off and plan a nice weekend with your friends and family.

Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 21:33

Brunette - what you've written sums up to a tee what I was already thinking. He's clearly got doubts, and I'm not the one for him, or he wouldn't be still online. I think you know after nearly 2 months of dating as to whether you like someone or not, and he obviously doesn't like me enough to want to stop being on the site.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigerbear · 19/02/2014 21:36

Jean - I will do - am off to write him an email...

Thanks again to you all for helping clarify what I suspected all along

OP posts:
brunette123 · 19/02/2014 21:38

It's him not you! He is not the one for you not the other way round. I know it is hard. Look after yourself.

curiousuze · 19/02/2014 21:38

Think your gut instinct was right - he's telling porkie pies.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 19/02/2014 21:40

Tigerbear I feel for you as I've bed dating someone for just over a month who I think still sometimes goes online. We've not stated that we're exclusive though, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for another two months absolute max. If we're not exclusive by then, I doubt we ever will be, so I'll have to move on Sad. It's sad though, as I really like him.

Have you actually had a talk about being exclusive? I think once you do, and then you find him online, you need to make a difficult decision.

JeanSeberg · 19/02/2014 21:45

Take it easy Thanks

daisychain01 · 19/02/2014 21:48

tiger hopefully some consolation, the first guy I mentioned to you in my other post dumped me by text, when I was at a very vulnerable time in my life (I had lost my DH) and if it wasn't for him being a complete rat, I would never have given my DP a chance, so you never know whats round the corner either online or in RL. You sound a genuinely decent woman and any man will be lucky to find you, so don't worry, go and enjoy the weekend and something else more wonderful will crop up.

LaGuardia · 19/02/2014 21:50

LTB

namechangesforthehardstuff · 19/02/2014 21:54

It's ok OP it turns out it's 2014 and women are allowed to have sex! Phew. What a relief eh?

Can someone let muminio know? so that she can sound like less of a 1950s throwback next time

Blankiefan · 19/02/2014 21:54

Hmmm - having dated online in the past, my thoughts are that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck; he's a duck that's still on the look out for another duck.

My ex was like this. He was still online now & again and even used to say that he really missed Internet dating. I chose not to hear these comments at the time and totally over-committed to someone who wasn't ready for a relationship / wasn't that fussed about me and was completely blind-sided when he ended things.

Luckily he ended things as I went on to meet lovely lovely DH. We've been together for 5 years now - have I mentioned that he's lovely? The good ones are out there but you have to listen to the stuff the men tell you along the way - this one is telling you something with his behaviour.

kotinka · 19/02/2014 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.