AIBU to stop seeing this guy? Dating dilemma!

[tigerbear]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible:

I've been seeing a guy I met on an online dating site since mid Dec (we had a date before Christmas, then apart for 2 weeks, when we exchanged many texts and approx 30 emails, all quite romantic)
Have seen each other 1-2 times a week since start of Jan, and been sleeping together since then, after 2nd date.

Problem is that he's been online on the dating site pretty much every day or every couple of days for the duration of us seeing each other.
Earlier, I tried to convince myself it was just so he could look at my profile, but my profile expired a few weeks ago, yet he's still on there all the time (sometimes within hours of being with me)

We spent Wed and Thurs together last week, plus Valentine's Day and most of Sat, yet he was back online Sun, Mon, twice yesterday and this eve.

He swears he isn't chatting to anyone else or seeing anyone else (I confronted him about it and said I'd seen him online, and he said he got a few 'likes' and was curious about the girls who'd been in touch, but that he hadn't initiated any conversations for a while)

Hmm, AIBU to end it over this?
The times we spend together are great and he just doesn't seem the type to mess about, yet I'm not sure if I'm being taken for a fool...

Kitty- hello, I think I've seen you on the dating thread :) I was going to post this on there, but felt bad about barging back in as I haven't contributed to the thread for a while. though have been lurking from time to time
In answer to your question, when I confronted him last time, I said that multiple dating isn't my style, especially as we're sleeping together, and that if he wanted to chat/see other people instead of me, that he should be honest about it. I told him how hurt and surprised I was to see him online so often, and he was full of - so called - remorse.

So, to see him on there again so often since our Valentine's weekend kind of confirms to me that he's def keeping his options open.

Daisy - your ex sounds delightful (not) to do that to you, knowing what you'd been through. (I'm sorry about your DH :()

Namechanged - I'm glad someone has said that tbh. I bloody love sex actually, and would like to think it is ok for women to have it as and when they want!!

Blankie - you're right - I've chosen to ignore or think he's half joking when he's said things like 'I don't actually have time to see anyone else, I wish I DID have more time for dating'

Another red flag - I've never been to his place in the whole time we've been dating. He says he'd be embarassed to take me there as says it's really grotty compared to my lovely new flat. perhaps it is, but it's a bit weird to never invite me there, right?

Yup Broken, it's a bit suspicious isn't it??

Argh, red flags for me too.

Don't send him any heartfelt emails, just leave him to it.

Ummm...I love sex too! Is it that controversial to suggest waiting until you know someone before having sex with them?! Preferably long enough that you know that they love you...yes love, not just like...and that you love them in return.

If that's old fashioned, then that's fine by me :)

For me, sexual compatability is a large part of love. Or at least falling in love. best to find out early on if he's really crap in bed- or has to wear a wetsuit and clutch a picture of the Queen to achieve satisfaction

tiger Yes I'm on the dating thread and I've seen you around on there too, in fact I've come here after posting on there that I don't think the guy I'm dating is that into me sigh.

As you've had the 'exclusive' talk and he's still online and stating that he wishes he had more time for dating, I'm afraid it doesn't look good . I'm so, so sorry but I honestly think you deserve better. As I said on my post on the dating thread, we shouldn't be willing to make someone a priority if we're only an option to them. NB: This is easier said than done when you really, really like someone.

tiger your red flag is definitely spot-on - never being invited over to his home, means that he can ring-fence his 'territory' - that was the exact same stunt my 'Online Rat' pulled on me, and it made alarm bells ring in my head. Yes, he did kick me when I was down, and would you believe it, he texted me about a year later to "see how I am" ... apparently he had big regrets about what he did, so at least I suppose he had a social conscience. But I had moved on big-time since then - his loss.

It is really, really difficult when you develop deep feelings for someone, but hopefully talking here has put things into perspective for you - at least you know your intuition is your best defense. I bet you, your man will regret losing you. Not a big consolation for you, I know, but men do have their brains in their y-fronts, let's face it!

Kitty - apart from your man being online sometimes, why do you get the feeling he isn't into you? Sorry you're going through this too. it's just sooo confusing!!

Mine seems so plausible, sincere and sweet when I see him.
I cancelled a date with him last night - partly because of all these doubts, but mainly because I'm not feeling well, and he's texted quite a lot, called me (which he's never done) - I didn't pick up, texted to see how I am this morning (with 3 kisses, which he never normally does). He's now going away for 2 weeks, so I'm not sure how to progress - do I end it now, or wait to see him when he gets back?

tiger please please, don't be taken in, he's addicted to the 'thrill of the chase'. He will be playing cat-and-mouse with you forever more.

Think how little effort it takes for him to put 3 xxx's, click, click, click, there it's done! A few sugar-coated words, simple, hmmm what shall I write today I know "sweetie, I miss you, I'm worries, are you OK?", that should do it ....

If I were you I'd cut-loose - your doubts are there for a reason, you are a woman and we have a 6th sense, women's intuition is stronger than anything. x (mine is sincere ...)

when he gets back won't his subsription have expired? If he is going away I'd be tempted not to end it now and see if he renews. Maybe you cancelling the date has made him think you are cooling off hence the kisses and the call - not sure they would really persuade me but I would sort of like the experiment of seeing if he was online whilst away and if he renewed - if you end it now then he will definitely be online.......

I think if you've had the talk and he's still online, it all just seems a bit off tbh, and I wouldn't want to continue seeing someone who didn't seem to want what I wanted, even after that discussion had taken place.

I also don't like the fact he's never invited you to his - has he even told you where he lives/given you his address? Never going there, unless he had DC who live there or something, seems to me a bit like he wants to keep himself separate, and is not seeing this as anything long term (that together with still being on site etc).

Could you tell him you're not comfortable with it and that he's got to stop if he wants to continue the relationship? I'm not quite so quick to dismiss people I suppose - some get addicted to the attention without it meaning they're looking for something better.

Daisy - sounds like your ex rat rally regretted it - as you say, his loss, big time!! What excuse did he make for not inviting you to his place?

Velvet - yes, he has told me his address, even shown me where it is on a map, so maybe it is just the fact that he is embarassed about his flat (he did say I could perhaps stay at his once, so I can see it, but this hasn't transpired yet).

Re the call and texts, kisses, etc, yes, I am inclined to think that he senses I'm pulling back, and he's thinking 'oops, better put some effort in"

I am tempted to see what happens while he's away, re him being online and see if he renews.
Another thing that happened just 2 days after my subscription expired, was that I saw he updated his profile to say his real age (he lied about it on his first profile, though told me this on our first date). I was a bit confused as to why he'd do that, and he said it was because someone he knows in real life had seen his profile and taken the piss about him having lied, so he'd changed it then.

Ah nevermind, missed your post there about talking to him. Meh he's not bother - don't waste your time!

Littleen - that's exactly why I'm unsure as to whether to end it outright. He did say when I confronted him about it initially that he was flattered/curious by the attention. He's only just started this whole process after being single for 2 years (after a 10 year relationship) and he said it took him ages to even be brave enough to post an online profile - so maybe he's just excited by it all.

Having said that, I guess it shows that we're in two different places - I've been there and done all that re the initial thrill of meeting lots of different people, while I was the first person he had a date with (so he says)..,

Have you actually spoken about this being a relationship though, or is it just (exclusive) dating at the moment?

I suppose (this is a personal thing) I wouldn't be so bothered if someone was on a dating site if we were still at the dating stage, but once it was confirmed as being an actual 'relationship' I'd expect them to delete their profile. Possibly an artificial distinction, but it's the way I'd look at it.

But Velvet, how do you define being in a relationship?

I guess in black and white, we've only had about 15 dates between mid Dec to now (I can only see him 1-2 times a week as my baby DD is with me half of the week), so I suppose it's still dating.
However, I thought I'd made it clear to him that I'm not into multiple dating etc, in fact my exact words were "Multiple dating really isn't my style, especially given that we're sleeping together, so I'd prefer it if you were honest and tell me if you want to see/chat to others instead of me".

He was adamant that he isn't doing so...
But I guess this doesn't mean that he isn't LOOKING, even if he isn't actively chatting to them...

The still being onl

Sorry. The still being online thing is annoying and childish. But the big red flag is that he went ahead and had sex with you on the second date and then told you he prefers it when women "don't have sex too soon as it makes them more interesting. What a fucking horrible thing to say! He basically said "I think less of you for not refusing to have sex." And of course him say that worked because it put you on the back foot and made you wonder if you'd "made him lose interest" by having sex with someone who was very willing when it suited him.
Would you ask him to dance, dance loads with him and appear to enjoy it immensely then say "I prefer it when men don't dance"?? Why else would you say that if not to put him down?

This dating stuff is difficult, I know back in my teens and 20s, basically once you'd been on a couple of dates with someone, you were in a relationship and they referred to you as their girlfriend.

Now it all seems really blurry and you can be dating for ages - I was seeing someone (on and off) for 7 months last year, but it was very much dating as he was 'scared of a relationship' fuckwit.

Sorry, not helpful! The point CailinDana makes is a really good one, I hadn't spotted the bit about sex. Leaving the not going to his flat, and the being online aside, I don't like that he made you feel a bit bad (even indirectly) about sleeping with him, after the event. That wouldn't sit too well with me either.

Velvet & Cailin - this is something I've thought lots about too - perhaps he sees me as just someone to have sex with but obviously not good enough or interesting enough to have a proper relationship with!

Tiger at th