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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find this comment in a restaurant sad?

61 replies

TedMoseby · 17/02/2014 12:16

I know I should've been minding my own business, but this lady was talking so loudly in a tiny restaurant that I couldn't help but hear.

Two couples sat together. Couple A and B.
Woman A: "We are not telling his daughters that we are buying a house. At this age they repeat everything to their mum and we can't have her knowing"
Woman B: "Why can't she know?"
Man A: "Because everytime she thinks I have more money, she gets the CSA involved and I end up having to pay her more for the kids"

AIBU to find this attitude really depressing?

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 17/02/2014 12:18

Without a full financial breakdown, details of respective living circumstances, etc., it's impossible to say.

glasgowsteven · 17/02/2014 12:23

Obviously he has a new job or been promoted.

But if he does not tell the CSA he will still keep paying the previosuly agreed amount.

If he has a higher income he should be paying a higher amount.....

allnewtaketwo · 17/02/2014 12:27

Or maybe he prefers to decide himself how to spend his payrise on his children

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 17/02/2014 12:47

Lots of parents (mother and fathers) use csa as a weapon even if the ex partner is paying decent maintenance for their children.

Whenever they are unhappy or do not get what they want no matter how unreasonable they threaten il go or go back to the csa.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 17/02/2014 12:50

Now obviously I'm not saying that there are not also Ex's who absolutely screw their kids and ex over too!

All I'm saying is unless you know the fill in details it can be hard to judge a comment like that

LimeLelloLizard · 17/02/2014 12:52

Well if you were eavesdropping in a restaurant then you aren't really qualified to judge, are you?

'Sad' is when you cat dies or if you get performance managed at work. Not for other people's CSA.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 12:55

Well if he ends up paying more then he clearly is earning more. CSA dont just up the amount because they get a call from an ex. So yes i think its sad and he's a prick.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/02/2014 12:55

Who do you feel 'sad' for op?

TOADfan · 17/02/2014 12:56

Pile of shite. CSA can only judge maintenance on wages. Assets dont effect payments.

BTW pile of shite is at them not you OP

Original poster
TedMoseby · 17/02/2014 13:02

It's not eavesdropping when someone is talking very loudly in a small restaurant. I just think it's sad trying to get away with paying less than they should to raise the children, they were being very derogatory towards the children's mother. It made me think of all the posters on here who get pathetic amounts of maintenance because their exs hide their wages.

OP posts:
TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/02/2014 13:07

I think unless you know the full circumstances you can not comment and should probably mind your own business.

VoyageDeVerity · 17/02/2014 13:07

He has a point

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 13:08

Whats his point voyage?

Chocotrekkie · 17/02/2014 13:10

They could be buying a house that's more suited to him being able to have his children more - eg moving from a 1 bed flat which wouldnt be ideal to have 3 teenagers sleeping over to a 3 bed where they can all have bedrooms ?

Piscivorus · 17/02/2014 13:12

It is a difficult one but as somebody who has had to help out a family member who was in financial difficulties because of the greed of an ex-partner I can promise you that, while some men are awful, the grasping behaviour of some women would leave most of us horrified.

I agree with those who say you cannot possibly know

RatUpADrainpipe · 17/02/2014 13:14

Men are allowed to keep SOMETHING of their wage rise, you know.
Perhaps he's already paying full wack to HER, and buys his DCs other things when he sees them?

WooWooOwl · 17/02/2014 13:16

You don't know anywhere near enough to make a judgement on whether it's a sad situation or not.

For all you know, this father buys his children clothes, pays for their school trips, takes them on holiday and provides a lovely home for them with him, and just doesn't want to give his ex more money for her pot.

What you heard doesn't indicate that he's unwilling to pay for his children at all. You could just have easily judged incorrectly that his ex is a money grabber who doesn't want to work and expects her ex to pay for her to live just because she had children.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 13:22

Do you mean NRPs rat?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 17/02/2014 13:24

Don't judge, you have no idea. We paid well above CSA allowance, topped up with clothes, hair cuts, treats, lending money etc.

But anytime we took a holiday or did something which showed us spending money on ourselves, we got a request to increase her money as 'we clearly have enough to give me more'. No thought that we might have been saving for a long time etc.

Stinklebell · 17/02/2014 13:24

I'm with those who say you don't know enough to make any judgements.

I have a friend whose exDH already pays way over the minimum required, yet every single time he does something she considers expensive - booked a few nights at Centreparcs with the kids, bought a new (to him, still 2nd hand) car, moved to a bigger rental house so their kids could stay overnight - she contacts the CSA. I'm not surprised he keeps this stuff quiet these days

Thisismyfirsttime · 17/02/2014 13:44

How do you know the mother isn't the kind of mother who has plenty of nights out, designer make-up and packs of cigarettes bought with her CSA money and then calls the dad late at night when there's no electric or food and he ends up stumping up yet more cash to provide those things that the CSA money is meant to go towards instead of funding her lifestyle?
He could be a tight bastard who doesn't want to pay for his children but you just don't know!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 13:45

Whats the problem with her calling the CSA if he isnt earning any more? They'll not award her any more so no change for him. The only reason not to let on is if he knows she will get more which implies he is earning more and not wanting to hand it over in accordance with CSA rules.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/02/2014 13:51

Sorry but you sound really pathetic overhearing a comment, then coming on here to write a detailed post about their conversation to which you don't know the background and then making a judgement based on that.

cosikitty · 17/02/2014 13:52

YABU

Maybe he doesn't want to pay more because the mothr spends the money on herself, not the children.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/02/2014 14:47

YoureBeingASillyBilly
"Whats the problem with her calling the CSA if he isnt earning any more?"

Possibly the amount of grief that it causes him every time she does it?