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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have my mum as birth partner as well as DP?

74 replies

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 15:52

I'm pregnant and due in April, and at our hospital we're allowed two birth partners, so my DP will be one, and my mum will be the other. If DP has any issues with it he hasn't mentioned them, and neither has the rest of his family, and my mum is lovely - she's supportive without being interfering, will keep a cool head if DP freaks out and will absolutely understand if we ask her to leave the room at any point - she's not the sort to be pushing in for first cuddle etc

So seems like there's no problems, but from reading some threads on here, I feel like I'm BU to DP for having my mum there too... is this likely to cause resentment in the future, either with DP or with members of his family about my mum being first grandparent to see the baby etc?

OP posts:

StarSwirl92 · 15/02/2014 16:02

If you want her there, you have her there.

Joysmum · 15/02/2014 16:04

I did, but explained she was there in case DH wasn't supporting me enough, or he needed support.

As it was, my DH was fantastic and my labour long so my mum went home with our blessing and I'm glad it was just me and him.

Sneepy · 15/02/2014 16:06

I did, it was great as my mum is very supportive & she and DH get along fabulously.

TheSurgeonsMate · 15/02/2014 16:07

People have all sorts of problems that you don't have! If this makes sense to all of you, the job's a good un.

dramajustfollowsme · 15/02/2014 16:07

If that is what you want, your dh is happy then do it. It doesn't mater what other people think.
My mum was terminally ill when dd was born. I knew she wouldn't get to see her growing up so asked dh if he minded her being present at the birth. He was happy for her to be there.
He got first hold but suggested mum cut the cord.
I love the fact my mum was able to be part of this special time as we lost her 4 months later.
Dh liked the fact that she had obviously been there done, that with regards giving birth.
Having both there meant that they could go to the loo, get something to eat etc without me being left alone.
Do what is best for you. You are the one going through labour.
Good luck, when the time comes.

Mouthfulofquiz · 15/02/2014 16:16

Do whatever you need to do. Personally - I love my mum very much but I called her after the baby was born! I do have a very supportive and non-squeamish DH and I wouldn't have found it too much to have anyone else around trying to get involved. If you are confident that having 2 people will not get like that then go for it - you are deffo not being unreasonable! :-)

Mouthfulofquiz · 15/02/2014 16:16

Would have - not wouldn't have!

OddBoots · 15/02/2014 16:18

If it's the right thing for you, your dp and your mum then go for it. My mum was with me all five times I gave birth (dh was there for our own children but not when I was being a surrogate).

Lj8893 · 15/02/2014 16:20

I was going to have my mum as my 2nd birth partner, but my labour was so quick by the time she got to the hospital my dd was already here!! And my mil who had dropped us at the hospital had only just got home to turn round and come back to the hospital!!
Your birth partners are there for you, therefore its completely your choice who you have.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 15/02/2014 16:21

I had DM and DH. Tbh by the time DM arrived (about an hour before the birth) I couldn't have given two straws who was there! DH was pleased to have the back up though.

I would talk it through with your DM before she comes. If she is happy to go out and get drinks/snacks for you/your DP and give you space if you want it I would definitely have her there!

Xfirefly · 15/02/2014 16:33

I did and she was fab. she sat back and only came over when I wanted her. if her or dp needed a break they took it in turns.

I ended up with an EMCS and midwife said my mum was jokingly begging them to let her come in as well they made her tea and toast and looked after her whilst I was in theatre

ToughSpuds · 15/02/2014 16:40

I had both DH & DM - and she did help a lot but she also told my hubby off a lot too for being on his phone (I was asleep at this point) My mum also laughed when DH told me to "push harder" and I bit him on his hand.

MrsCakesPremonition · 15/02/2014 16:41

Double check that the hospital is happy to have 2 birth partners in the room. Mine only allowed one person at a time, so it would have meant somebody sitting alone in the waiting area.

I8toys · 15/02/2014 16:42

I had both there for my first DS. She couldn't for the second as she was babysitting!

I never considered her not being there. We grew closer during my pregnancy.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2014 16:42

Of course- why not?! I had dsis at all three of mine.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/02/2014 16:44

drama

That's so beautiful and so sad :(

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 16:45

sounds lovely op. good luck with everything.

wonderingsoul · 15/02/2014 16:47

with ds1 i had exh and my mum..
my exh was a very good birthing partner..and my mum just sat in the corner and watched really, though i am sure if ex hadnt been able to support me in the way that he did she would have been right there. .. but i liked having her there and she loved it, she said she felt "closer" bond with him becasue of it.
sadly she couldnt be there with ds2, as she was babysiting ds1, and becasue i knew exh was goign to be great again it didnt bother me as much.

if you want her then. so be it. its not abnormal at all x

JackNoneReacher · 15/02/2014 16:49

Do whatever is right for you. You're the one who has to give birth and knows best what will make you feel supported and secure.

It's not some sort of team event, no one has any entitlement to be there.

Most pregnant women don't actually have the experiences you read about on here because generally their friends and family recognise they have no 'right' to a place in the delivery room. I know these stories are memorable but they're the minority in real life.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 16:49

Are you sure he has no issues?I wouldn't like it-I think it was a private thing for me and DH. My mother had had her turn, having 3 children. Most women wouldn't want MIL there so I don't see why men would want their MIL there. However, if every one really is happy, then no problem.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/02/2014 16:51

Most women wouldn't want MIL there so I don't see why men would want their MIL there. However, if every one

But the man is not the person giving birth.

He can only be there is the woman doing the actual giving birth says to.

She could have her mother and not him and that would be totally fine.

He gets no say in the matter.

Until he's the one pushing a baby out of his vagina.

Original poster

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 16:53

Tamer If he does have issues with it, he hasn't mentioned them, even though I've asked. He's even suggested she go to my growth scan in a couple of weeks (have one at 32 weeks and one at 36 so he'll go to the 36 week one) as he said it's helped to make him feel more involved, and he wants her to feel involved too.

You are right though that I wouldn't want future MIL there. She's lovely and we get on great, and will be visiting asap after the baby's born (will potentially be in hospital for a couple of days afterwards) but I wouldn't want her as birth partner.

OP posts:

BaileysOnRocks · 15/02/2014 16:55

I had my mum and partner for both births, it was wonderful. They both supported be and one another.
I almost gave birth in the car so on the way to the hospital my mum was in the back with me and DP driving. I would have panicked with her there.

Do what is best for you in this instance, it's all about you

BaileysOnRocks · 15/02/2014 16:56

*without her there**

TamerB · 15/02/2014 16:57

He gets no say in the matter.

Good grief! Why are you having a child with him if you are going to lay down the law in that way. Doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship.

In your case OP, since he genuinely seems to have no issues with it, and presumably you wouldn't ask her he did, then I can't see a problem.

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