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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have my mum as birth partner as well as DP?

74 replies

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 15:52

I'm pregnant and due in April, and at our hospital we're allowed two birth partners, so my DP will be one, and my mum will be the other. If DP has any issues with it he hasn't mentioned them, and neither has the rest of his family, and my mum is lovely - she's supportive without being interfering, will keep a cool head if DP freaks out and will absolutely understand if we ask her to leave the room at any point - she's not the sort to be pushing in for first cuddle etc Grin

So seems like there's no problems, but from reading some threads on here, I feel like I'm BU to DP for having my mum there too... is this likely to cause resentment in the future, either with DP or with members of his family about my mum being first grandparent to see the baby etc?

OP posts:
SpoonfulOfJam · 15/02/2014 16:59

Do whatever makes you happy. It's absolutely your call.

Ragwort · 15/02/2014 17:00

I agree with TamerB - it wouldn't have occured to me to ask my mother to be my birth partner - I think it is a private experience for the two of you and all the medical professionals. In fact I know my DH would have found it difficult if I had asked my mother to join us, why would anyone need two birth partners Confused. However, we are all different and if you are sure everyone is happy with the arrangement then go for it Smile.,

There are so many threads on mumsnet where adults seem (in my opinion) too attached to their parents rather than estalishing a new family with their partner - this goes for men as well who won't detach from their mothers causing all sorts of MIL issues.

Joysmum · 15/02/2014 17:03

I know a lot of women on mumsnet get snooty at the phrase 'we're pregnant' but that's precisely how I felt with my DH. We are an equal partnership and it's not his fault he could not carry our baby or give birth. He always had equal say.

MillyONaire · 15/02/2014 17:07

I had DH and best friend there for dc1 and all alone for dc2 (dh busy with dc1 as dc2 was early and in a rush) both ways worked fine for me and tbh I was quite glad to be alone as doctor and midwives were fab. but would not have been okay to be alone for dc1.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 17:10

Everyone is different, but for me it was a very private experience for me and my husband.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/02/2014 17:11

Why are you having a child with him if you are going to lay down the law in that way.

I'm not having a baby with anyone.

But I certainly wouldn't ever have a baby with a man who thought he got to decide what kind of support I was allowed to receive while I gave birth.

And the reality of the situation is that no man actually DOES get a say. He only gets to be there if a woman wants him there.

A decent bloke who doesn't want to be "equal" and pretend to be fucking pregnant like a total sap, just wants to support the woman he loves. Not start laying down the law and asserting his man's rights.

diaimchlo · 15/02/2014 17:17

As a GM of 5 beautiful DGCs, I was honoured to be at the birth of 4 of them, 1 I actually delivered myself on my sofa, as God bless her she wanted out and was not prepared to wait, (that was one of the most amazing occasions of my life). I was not at my youngest DGS birth as it was my DS's son, his partner's Mum was there. Which in my opinion is right.

I can assure you that me being there has not caused any resentment at all.

I have seen so many posts on threads like this that IMHO are at times a little selfish.. i.e:
My mother had had her turn, having 3 children
Being a Mother never stops however old your DCs are, you still want to support and be there for them when they need you.

I do understand that there are many child/parent issues out there where relationships are flawed and cannot be repaired for whatever reason, but where there is a good Mother/Daughter relationship I think the GM should always be invited.

So NO YADNBU, I wish you all the best for your new arrival in April.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 17:21

I would want to have a baby with someone who appreciated it was a private, loving experience for us. Luckily I did.

TamerB · 15/02/2014 17:24

In OP's case it isn't a problem-they have discussed it and agreed-that is quite different from telling him what is happening.

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 17:25

Thanks everyone for your comments. DP and I are both very unprepared, very unsure of what to expect and so having someone who's 'done it all before' will help, we feel. Also I know that although DP isn't squeamish, he hates seeing me in pain, so if he freaks out there's no way I'd ever be able to do it on my own, so having my mum there is that extra security blanket.

OP posts:
mrsbug · 15/02/2014 17:26

I had dsis there as well as dp and I thought having two birth partners was brilliant. I had a long labour so it meant one of them could go off and get something to eat etc. Having someone else there took the pressure off dp a bit too.

Having someone who has been through labour themselves and knows how you are feeling is also helpful.

My other reason for having dsis there was because dp can't drive so we needed a lift to the hospital Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/02/2014 17:34

DP and I are both very unprepared, very unsure of what to expect and so having someone who's 'done it all before' will help, we feel.

Yeah, it might well help.

Although if that's how you're both feeling (and it's certainly how we felt first time), have you considered a doula?

If I could do first time again, I would definitely hire one.

Someone who has been through it before is useful, but someone who is there to advocate for you, who understands the system, who can work through your preferred birth plan (all eventualities) and help you feel prepared, can be really, really useful.

Just a thought if you're still at the planning stage.

Your Mum will share of the drawbacks of your DP (as a birth partner) - she loves you, she has had babies, so she knows more than DP, but she's (probably) not familiar with current NHS practice.

LadyOnARooftop · 15/02/2014 17:35

YANBU. DH actually called my mum to come when I was halfway through labour as he knew I wanted her anyway, and he was finding it all a bit stressful on his own Hmm She was brilliant.

MIL came to visit straight after, then they all left us alone for 2 days so we could have some time by ourselves, I could recover a bit, get breast feeding sorted etc., it was perfect.

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 17:43

We can't afford a doula (both full-time students in the middle of a house move Shock ) and I think it's more the fact of her being my mum specifically that makes me want her there. It's really hard to explain. The hospital definitely does allow 2 birth partners, to whoever asked further up.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was really worried I was BU and people would think I was being cruel to DP.

OP posts:
NinjaCow · 15/02/2014 17:57

DP's mum was my other birthing partner. She was great about it. Tbh, it could be a friend or anyone, if they will make the birth easier then go for it! I was way more relaxed with DP's DM being there to support me, take over when DP panicked a bit or had to go get food or go to the loo. If it makes you happy, do it Smile

MissCalamity · 15/02/2014 18:03

I had my mum with us when I first gave birth. My DP is a bit squeamish at the best of times, so I was a bit concerned he could freak out a bit (you know being the one who gives birth and all that!!)

My mum helped me to triage whilst DP parked the car, she then picked up my dis-guarded clothes and my glasses I'd left on the side while I was examined. She then stayed at the back of the room whilst DP was encouraging me in the birthing pool and stepped in when he had to go to the toilet. When I had to go and get stitched up later she calmed down DP who was getting worried I'd been gone far too long....once I was back she stayed for another 10 minutes and then left us.

At no point was she over bearing or demanding anything.

This time round it will just be DP and I as Grandma will be babysitting....

Limara · 15/02/2014 18:04

I had my mum and my DH. When I had my dd, there wasn't all this 'Birthing Partner' vocabulary around, my mum just happened to arrive at that stage of labour! IMO, I think you can 'overthink' these things and this type of 'thinking' - should I? who should be there? who's going to be offended? would have twisted my melon! Just be excited is what I say. Smile

TamerB · 15/02/2014 18:45

I have no issues at all with couples having whoever they want at the birth. We are all different. I just have huge issues with the woman dictating rather than a joint decision.

Oriunda · 15/02/2014 18:47

I had a doula as well as DH and am very grateful as I was induced and it was a very long and frustrating experience that lasted 3 days. The doula did shifts with DH so he had a break.

However, it ended up in an emergency C-section and most hospitals will only allow 1 person to be with you, so you need to be clear beforehand who that person would be and that your mother (presumably?) understands that if it comes to that then she needs to retire gracefully to wait outside.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2014 18:53

Personally speaking I think one birth partner is quite enough. In fact looking back I might have opted for no partner if given the choice again. But of course it's up to the individual.

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 18:56

Oriunda already discussed it as it is a possibility, she said even if I asked for her she'd refuse, it's DP's place to be there unless something happens that means he's unable to be there.

OP posts:
StopSquabbling · 15/02/2014 19:00

I think it's an incredibly special thing to share with your partner, and for me, there is no way I would want my mum there and my dh would have hated that. It was intensely private to us.

But one of my sisters who has a husband who is a bit ineffective, had my mum with her for all 3 births. My mum hated every minute (as my sister was a bit of a wuss) but my sister thinks it was wonderful.

Whatever works for you, I say.

RaRa1988 · 15/02/2014 19:03

I'm thinking of having my mam there as well as my DP - at least for part of it. I get what everyone's saying about it being a joint decision, and hence I asked DP if he would mind. He said he would do whatever was best for me Smile. At the same time though, it is the woman who has to give birth and the woman who really needs to be as comfortable as she can be during what could be a pretty long and arduous process. I don't think the partner/father dictating who could be in the delivery room would really be conducive to that - it's one of those instances where he'd need to put the woman first.

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 19:08

Now I'm wondering if it's weird that I haven't really thought about it as 'something special to share with DP'... more like I'm pushing our baby out of my foof and it's really going to hurt and I want DP to be there to see the birth of our child and so I can squeeze his hand really hard, and I want my mum there to reassure me that I'm not going to die and minimise the damage when I scream about how much I hate DP and never wanted this to happen etc etc etc.

Maybe I'm going at this birth thing a bit wrong Hmm

OP posts:
BeetlebumShesAGun · 15/02/2014 19:23

YANBU. OP I thought of childbirth in the same way as you. As soon as I knew I was pregnant there was no question of me having DM and DP there. DP at first was a bit uncomfortable with the idea but i explained my reasons - he is there to make sure the staff are aware of our wishes, listen to what they have to say and make decisions about DD if necessary, and my mum is there when I'm screaming for my mum because it hurts!

In the end I had to have EMCS so DM wasn't there for that, but she was great and afterward both of them said they were glad the other was there to support each other when things got a bit hairy. The staff always addressed DP first so no question of him feeling left out.

At the end of the day it is you giving birth so I think it really is up to you. Good luck!