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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have my mum as birth partner as well as DP?

74 replies

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 15:52

I'm pregnant and due in April, and at our hospital we're allowed two birth partners, so my DP will be one, and my mum will be the other. If DP has any issues with it he hasn't mentioned them, and neither has the rest of his family, and my mum is lovely - she's supportive without being interfering, will keep a cool head if DP freaks out and will absolutely understand if we ask her to leave the room at any point - she's not the sort to be pushing in for first cuddle etc Grin

So seems like there's no problems, but from reading some threads on here, I feel like I'm BU to DP for having my mum there too... is this likely to cause resentment in the future, either with DP or with members of his family about my mum being first grandparent to see the baby etc?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/02/2014 19:24

You're going about it perfectly. You're thinking about what works for you. You'll be fine. :)

MrsGarlic · 15/02/2014 19:27

No you're not doing it wrong. It's up to you. I had my mum there, my husband was happy to have her there, I was over the moon to have them both there. My husband bless him isn't very good at speaking up (he knows and acknowledges this) and I needed the security of having someone there who would advocate for me if needed.

I loved having someone there who'd done it before, when my husband said things like "you can do it" I just thought how the hell would you know?! but having my mum say it made sense as she'd done it.

I'd like to have her again but she'll probably need to look after PFB now! Grin but I've already done it once and it was a good experience so I feel more... confident I guess.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/02/2014 19:28

Well your DP is obviously fine with it so if it's what you want them go for it.

I wouldn't want anyone but my DH, I'm of the belief that it should be something private and special between just the two of us.

DomesticSlobbess · 15/02/2014 19:32

It never crossed my mind to have anyone but just DP with me. In my mind, it was our baby, the first time either us of would see him, that is our moment to share. Not me, DP and my mother.

YANBU though to have whoever you like there because it sounds like you're both happy with the arrangement.

BuntyCollocks · 15/02/2014 19:42

I had dm and dh. My dh was a bit useless, my dm was fab both times. It was lovely how emotional she was, I can't remember much about my dh during my second labour, but I vividly remember my mums voice breaking as she told me she could see dd's head, and how well I was doing.

elliejjtiny · 15/02/2014 19:44

YANBU. Personally I wouldn't have wanted my mum anywhere near me at the birth and didn't let her come and visit when we were in hospital either. However if you want your mum there that's up to you.

GingerMaman · 15/02/2014 19:48

Tbh I think your DP might actually be really happy to have her around when he is going through it. It takes the pressure off one person and he'd be happy to get the support.

EugenesAxe · 15/02/2014 19:59

I can't talk for all PILs but I had my DM as birth partner, with my happy-with-it DH; she is much like yours sounds. I thought it was fine; number two it was just DH and I as my folks had my son at home with them.

I don't 'withhold' either of my children from PILs, who are equally lovely and helpful and they stayed for a few days shortly after the birth, and helped out. I don't think they felt left out really; I think birth is about the mother, and she should be able to decide on her birth partners. Not suggesting you are/would BTW, I meant that more in terms of I don't push them towards my parents at the expense of my PILs. I've seen that described a bit on these boards.

notso · 15/02/2014 19:59

I was quite young when I had DC1 and everyone including all the Midwives expected me to want my Mum there.
It never crossed my mind to have her there, I didn't need her there to get the baby in do I didn't want her there to get the baby out.

I love my Mum to bits and we are very, very close but our DC being born was something special for DH and I. I can't imagine sharing it with anyone else, I think I would rather do it alone if DH couldn't be there.

EugenesAxe · 15/02/2014 20:01

Good grief. My son? Our son!

tallwivglasses · 15/02/2014 20:08

I was there with my dd and her partner. They both wanted me there. It was an honour.

Annunziata · 15/02/2014 20:11

I had my mum too. In my culture it was more surprising that DH was there!

MIL was actually there for a few of my labours as well, but I get on really well with her and I am so pleased that she came.

When DS1 was born, they took him away to clean him up and weigh him, and both his grandmothers went with him :)

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 20:15

notso I thought about the whole "if you didn't put it in, you shouldn't be there when it comes out" but then again a midwife will be there, and she certainly didn't put the baby in there Grin

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 15/02/2014 20:15

Yabu to let what negative people on this site influence you. You seem to have both a supportive dm and DH and have your birth plan all worked out. This site is not the be all and end all.

AmberLeaf · 15/02/2014 20:21

I didn't want to have my Mum there, lovely as she is, it was me and EXDPs 'moment'

My Mum agreed, she was at home with my eldest when I had my second baby, so she got to see him very soon after he was born anyway and I was relaxed knowing my eldest was in safe hands.

moanymandy · 15/02/2014 21:19

I had my mum at the birth of ds2. I didn't want her there for ds1 I think it was because she assumed I would want/need her and in my pregnancy hormonal state I said no! Grin

But I loved having her there with ds2 and I wish now I had let her come the first time! She was such a distraction and kept me busy chatting etc

Also Dh was on early shifts when ds2 born so he was so tired he fell asleep at one point as I laboured into the night. So was happy to let him kip as mum was there to keep me company! Smile

HemlockStarglimmer · 15/02/2014 21:52

"Now I'm wondering if it's weird that I haven't really thought about it as 'something special to share with DP'... more like I'm pushing our baby out of my foof and it's really going to hurt and I want DP to be there to see the birth of our child and so I can squeeze his hand really hard, and I want my mum there to reassure me that I'm not going to die and minimise the damage when I scream about how much I hate DP and never wanted this to happen etc etc etc. "

With you 100% there. In my case my mum couldn't be there due to distance, Dad's health and it not really being her idea of a good time. MIL asked if she could be present and after an initial thought of "Really Confused"? I said yes. It was important to her (first grandchild) and I didn't mind either way.

spongebobsmallpants · 15/02/2014 22:28

I had my DD with just my mum there (DP miles away and wasnt quick enough) I couldnt imagine not having her there again.
if your DP is happy go for it. even if she ends uo sat quietly out the way, knowing shes there could be enough

lechers · 15/02/2014 23:10

I had My DM and DH there for my birth.

I personally found my mother to be much better support for me than my DH, largely because she had already been there, knew intuitively what I needed, rather than DH which did rather flounder at the birth.

Furthermore, when my birth with DD2 went wrong, DH stayed with the baby, whilst DM looked after me, as I was rushed off to theatre. Had I only had the one partner, then one of us (baby or me) would have been left alone. As the hospital was insistent that my daughter was not left alone, it would have been me left alone. I cannot stress enough how important it was to me having someone there for me when I really needed it.

livelablove · 15/02/2014 23:35

You want to be as calm and relaxed as possible, this really does help labour progress better, all being well. So whatever is best for you is the important thing.
I think your PIL will think this way too, if they are nice. They will understand you wanting your mum there as a support to you, and not think of it being so she gets to see the baby being born.

Summerblaze · 15/02/2014 23:44

Obviously if all parties are fine then its up to you and dh.

That said, my sil had her dh and my mil there (her mum). I didnt mind at all. My dh said he wouldnt want my mum to be there. I agreed and so did my dm as she didnt want to see her child in pain.

Mil now does nothing but tell everyone about how special her gd is because she saw her come into the world. Which was fine until my dd (year older than niece) wondered why gm didnt love her as much.

Only you know if things will be ok in your family. It didnt work for mine, well dd anyway.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 15/02/2014 23:58

I had an emcs 6 weeks early with ds - a couple of weeks later my mum made a passing comment about how she'd been a bit disappointed as she'd imagined dh ringing her to say I'd gone into labour then her rushing round to come with us in the ambulance, being there when he was born etc

She was most put out to be told that I wouldn't have rung her till after the birth and shocked to learn that ambulances aren't really for birthing mums these days!

perfectstorm · 16/02/2014 03:59

Honestly, I didn't give a stuff who was there when I gave birth. I just wanted to be left to get on with it while everyone shut up and sat down quietly, and my body took over. But if I had wanted my mum and DH there then that would have been important, and what needed to happen.

I don't think anyone but the labouring woman matters in childbirth. It's a big thing to be doing, and feeling relaxed and comfortable as you do it matters a lot. Whatever achieves that is fine, IMO.

And I don't see pregnancy as shared. Severe morning sickness, severe SPD, sciatica, cystitis, anal fissures, restless legs, blood tests, vaccinations, sinusitis and ligament pains were only happening to one of us.

Original poster
MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 16/02/2014 09:59

Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel a lot better now :) and it's opened my eyes to other pros I hadn't even realised!

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