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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... or am I being petty?

57 replies

RegTheMonkey · 04/02/2014 11:07

I've been married for 17 years. I didn't change my name at the time and am Ms Monkey on everything, driving licence, passport, bank, tax etc. etc. My PIL were a bit put out when I said I wouldn't be taking their son's name. Ever since, if they send anything to me like a birthday card they just put 'Reg' on the envelope because they can't bear to write 'Reg The Monkey'. No problem. However, today I got two birthday cards from relatives of husband, addressed to 'Mrs Dear Husband', when they all know my name is Monkey. Why won't they accept it? Why do they ignore my name and my wishes? I might just be having a bad day because tomorrow is a huuuuuuuge birthday and I'm pissed off about it. So, AIBU to expect people to use my name?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 04/02/2014 11:09

yanbu to be peed off at them but i guess people are just old fashioned about this sort of thing it is quite rude of them to not respect your name though, tomorrow just tut at the Mrs husband on the envelope and open your cards , Smile

hollyhunter · 04/02/2014 11:11

well, i dont understand why you didnt change your name, but tbh its none of my business. i will call you whatever you want me to call you , because calling you anything else would be fucking rude.

Ignore Ignore ignore!

HazleNutt · 04/02/2014 11:13

YANBU. I wonder how they would like if you sent birthday cards to MIL addressed to her maiden name, as apparently to PILs it does not matter what one's real name is.

JunoMacGuff · 04/02/2014 11:14

Ugh this really bothers me as well. I get cards addressed to 'Mrs Juno DH surname' all the time and it's not my name. Frustrating.

If they know, its just rude. If they have forgotten, then you just have to let it go.

People just assume when you are married that you have taken his surname. I also get a lot of people 'correcting' me when I say husband, they will then use partner because we have different surnames. Very odd. I've even had people say 'he can't be your husband' because we have different names.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2014 11:16

Relatives of your DH probably just forgot

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 11:18

YANBU to expect people to use your name, but at the same time I wouldn't let this get to me. Just ignore....there is not much you can do if people have not accepted that you kept your maiden name for the past 17 years. Enjoy your birthday and don't let small things like that ruin your mood. Life's too short.

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 11:19

hollyhunter what is there to understand? Why should she change her name if she does not want to?

Original poster
RegTheMonkey · 04/02/2014 11:20

I didn't change my name because I was known professionally by my own name, because my own name is quite nice and husband's name is the most common one in the UK, because I was 42 and felt my identity was too well established with my own name. All these reasons and more. They've definitely not forgotten, they just don't approve and intend to carry on blindly as if I had changed it. But there are worse things to get het up over, I'll put it down to impending old age and imminent grumpiness. Bah.

OP posts:
Pigletin · 04/02/2014 11:24

OP if they are doing it on purpose, the best thing is to ignore them. Otherwise, they know it affects you and will keep doing it. They are the ones being petty.

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 11:24

Reg, honestly, I would do what a PP suggested - start addressing all post to them as 'Mary and John Mary'sMaidenName'.

I always threatened to do this to people who addressed me as Mrs Husband'sLast. I haven't to date because it's only ever been ignorance, not pointed - but in your PIL case it is incredibly rude and pointed. Doing it back to them might get through to them.

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 11:25

loads of women don't change their name and are never Mrs Husband my dd said if she ever got married she would keep her own name my mum almost collapsed Grin op just quietly grump about them they are just being rude and humphy you dared to be unconvetional, and it really isnt that rare ,

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/02/2014 11:26

Put it down to old age and grumpiness on their part.

I changed my name, but not at work. But even my husband's family call me by my maiden name (21 years on). My little nieces call me by my full name (first name+maiden name). That is cute to hear.

Enjoy your birthday. Age is but a number, you are as young as you feel.

Neitheronethingortheother · 04/02/2014 11:32

Maybe its because your surname is Monkey and they think that is a weird surname and cant bring themselves to address it on a card or package Grin

Original poster
RegTheMonkey · 04/02/2014 11:33

Thank you MomOfTwoGirls2. I don't how this number has jumped up and bit me - a couple of years ago I was 30. How the hell has THAT happened??? Still 30 inside!

OP posts:
Pigletin · 04/02/2014 11:40

I've been told life gets better as you get older...enjoy Grin

3catsnokids · 04/02/2014 12:27

They may have honestly forgotten. You say they definitely know, but sometimes people's lives get busy and they have more important things to think about.

On my last birthday my brother addressed the envelope to my maiden name. I did take my husband's name and have been married 6 years. It didn't bother me that as he wrote the card it slipped his mind.

Nancy66 · 04/02/2014 12:34

I also think it's likely they've forgotten.

I have a relative who has reverted to her maiden name after divorce and I can't for the life of me remember what it is - so I do still use the married name she had for 20 years which, I know, pisses her off.

CouthyMow · 04/02/2014 12:35

I wonder what people make of my Dd's father...when he got married to DD's SM, he took HER surname...

QueenofKelsingra · 04/02/2014 12:40

people really need to let names on envelopes go. you don't put the envelope on display do you? I am Mrs DHSurname, I get letters addressed to Mrs DHInitial DHSurname, Mrs Q DHSurname, Mrs Q Kelsingra, Ms Kelsingra. I do not get worked up about this.

if you choose to keep your maiden name, fine, but there is a good chance the older generation will forget, not understand or just make a mistake every so often. LET IT GO.l

Pigeonhouse · 04/02/2014 12:40

Remind them politely but firmly, OP, phrasing it as though you think they've forgotten (whether they have or not). I never dreamed of changing my name - to me it's a dim-witted remnant of women being chattels on marriage, transferred between father and husband - and my ILs, who are unused to professional women with publications and a professional reputation under their name, were baffled and rather hurt (wasn't I a member of their family now? didn't I want their name?), and needed several subsequent reminders.

HauntedNoddyCar · 04/02/2014 12:42

They probably have you in their address book as MrReg and Reg and automatically add the family surname iyswim.

It doesn't bother me at all when envelopes have me down as MrsDH even though I never use it. After all, the envelope can be scrunched up tight and lobbed from height into the recycling bin. :)

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/02/2014 12:43

Get your DH to tell them straight to stop doing it.

QueenofKelsingra · 04/02/2014 12:44

pigeonhouse I have the oppsite, my MIL insists on calling me Miss Q Kelsingra as she wishes I wasn't part of her family Sad . she does it to annoy me on purpose, the best way to deal is to not mention it and carry on as if it doesn't bother me, it would be more of a victory for her if she saw me get worked up about it.

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 13:30

Queen, why should she let it go when it is a sign of a wider issue with her PIL - ie them not respecting her and her choices?

Sometimes it's just a name on an envelope. Sometimes it is a symptom of a broader problem with a particular relationship and as such needs to be dealt with differently from the 'ignorance/forgetting' one. OP has made it clear this is not a case of her PIL forgetting.

Your case of your MIL calling you Miss obviously annoys you because she does it to make a point/hurt you. It's up to you how you deal with it - you know your MIL and what will work best with her - but it's a strategy for dealing with it, not 'just getting over it / letting it go'.

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 13:37

BTW - my 87 year old grandmother has come up with a decent compromise by addressing envelopes to the whole family by using DS's double-barrelled surname, and to my brother and his partner and their children as The Hislast Herlast Family.

According to my mother, she agonised over it because she wanted to address us by the way we would like to be addressed, because she sees that as the height of good manners. I was a little gobsmacked, TBH, because mostly she is a stickler for 'correct' etiquette and is an appalling snob.

Maybe it's from her/my mother that if you care enough to send a card, you should care enough to try get their name right (spelling, correct last name, etc).

When we get things addressed to Mr and Mrs Hislast, I always comment to DH: 'hey, here's a letter/card for you and that woman who lives in the attic' as most of the time it's not done out of malice (though it is irritating that people don't bother to read our names on the backs of envelopes).

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