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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... or am I being petty?

57 replies

RegTheMonkey · 04/02/2014 11:07

I've been married for 17 years. I didn't change my name at the time and am Ms Monkey on everything, driving licence, passport, bank, tax etc. etc. My PIL were a bit put out when I said I wouldn't be taking their son's name. Ever since, if they send anything to me like a birthday card they just put 'Reg' on the envelope because they can't bear to write 'Reg The Monkey'. No problem. However, today I got two birthday cards from relatives of husband, addressed to 'Mrs Dear Husband', when they all know my name is Monkey. Why won't they accept it? Why do they ignore my name and my wishes? I might just be having a bad day because tomorrow is a huuuuuuuge birthday and I'm pissed off about it. So, AIBU to expect people to use my name?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/02/2014 13:44

I kept my original name and the only items I ever had in my 'married name' were birthday cards from my mother, who simply didn't understand why I hadn't adopted a new name. I just let it go because it really wasn't important in the scheme of things.

Now if my bank or something similar had tried that on (or started writing to me as 'Mrs') all Hell would have let loose. But they didn't.

Floggingmolly · 04/02/2014 14:14

You would be petty indeed to take to task someone who has been nice enough to send you a birthday card; because the envelope failed to meet the required standards.
It's just away of getting the card to you; what does it matter?

QueenofKelsingra · 04/02/2014 14:23

jassy because what good will it do to bring it up? if they have been doing it for 17 years, well aware that the OP has chosen not to change her name they are a)unlikely to change now and b)likely to be making a point. I would assume to OP mentioned to her PILs nearer the time of the wedding what the situation is and they have ignored her wishes. there is nothing you can actually do to stop them doing it, all that mentioning it does is remind the PIL that it annoys you so they will both keep doing it (so no change from current situation) but on top of that they will know it annoys the OP, which is probably part of the reason for doing it.

if someone makes an assumption and therefore addresses things wrongly then it is fair to say, politely 'oh its actually Mr X smith and Ms L Jones' or similar. if the people in question already know this and have been disregarding it for 17 years there is little point arguing about it.

MelanieCheeks · 04/02/2014 14:37

I kept my name when I married. But I answer to Mrs Hisname if people call me that or send something to me with that appellation. A lot of the time they dont know that I kept my own name (for all sorts of reasons....) so there's an assumption that that's what I'm known as.

I dont automatically think it's rude - would someone who meant to be rude go to the bother of sending a birthday card? How big a deal is this?

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 14:45

because what good will it do to bring it up? if they have been doing it for 17 years, well aware that the OP has chosen not to change her name they are a)unlikely to change now and b)likely to be making a point.

^
This

After 17 years, there are no strategies to deal with this - you just have to ignore.

redexpat · 04/02/2014 14:46

Well I think the issue here is why are they doing it. Is it because

  1. they don't know? You didn't specify which relatives of your husband sent you the cards. Are they close relatives? If they are from extended family they might not know to call you Ms your name. Have you received cards from them before - how were they addressed?

  2. they don't remember your name?

  3. they are from a different generation and just don't understand that addressing someone as Mrs DH can be considered rude?

  4. they disapprove of the whole Ms business and are trying to undermine you.

1-3 are forgivable, 4 less so. If it is 4 I would just start calling them by their parents' names, or names that are meant for the opposite gender. Because I am a big child.

Original poster
RegTheMonkey · 04/02/2014 16:31

Redexpat - It's his two aunts who have sent the two cards. PIL sent their card last week and all they wrote on the envelope was 'Reg' no surname, because they know my last name is Monkey but they can't bear to write it. They certainly know it's my name because I've heard that they proudly display to all and sundry anything with my byline on it and say 'that's our DIL'. The aunts to be fair, probably think it's 'just' for professional reasons and that I go by DHLastName for domestic etc things. Those of you have told me to chill out are right - it's no biggie at the end of the day, just a mild annoyance.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 16:34

I don't know. I can see where you're coming from but it's clearly annoying the OP so there may be merit in drawing a clear line in the sand rather than being passively accepting and being irritated in private.

Calmly confronting the issue after all this time may shock them a bit. 'I wanted to ask, why don't you use my name when you're addressing post to me? To be honest, it makes me feel uncomfortable and like you don't respect me as a person.' It deals with the in-laws' passive-aggressive campaign and clears the air. They might say 'well, we don't accept that you didn't change your name, etc etc etc' to which they only response is 'well, I'm sorry you feel that way but this is what DH and I have agreed and it works for us. Would you mind using my real name in future?'

Flogging, I've clearly said that I have not and would not take someone to task over the appelation on an envelope, unless there was something broader behind it (like in the OP's case). I don't like the assumption, but I shrug most of the time. The only time it really happens is at Christmas when people are sending joint cards, it's never happened on a birthday card.

If it's an out-of-date assumption, then as I say, it's not a big deal. But if it's an intentional, passive-agressive statement that the sender disagrees with your choice, then it does matter because it's no longer just about the envelope, is it?

It does irritate me, though, if people have seen my name written down a number of times and they still default to my husband's name.

It's worth noting that a lot of people, young and old, do make the effort to find out what people like to be called. I always remember one of DH's friends privately thanking me for checking what her baby daughter's last name was before our wedding rather than assuming she had her father's last name - it took a minute on my part but made a big difference to her.

Littleen · 04/02/2014 17:14

My parents never married, so never shared a last name, but it was quite random who of them stuff was adressed to, both from strangers and relatives (not close ones) - but they never even cared. Now your PIL sounds just rude and are obviously offended, but the rest of them could simply be a case of not thinking before writing. I get that it annoys you, but from people who are not so close, they probably are not doing it to offend, like your PIl are.

Littleen · 04/02/2014 17:16

Oh and my grandad still does not call me by my right name, as my middle name is after his mother (but slightly different) so he still uses her name rather than my actual name. After the age of 10 I understood he just doesn't realise and will always forget. Pless him :) And that's someone very, very close to me!

Arealmanithink · 04/02/2014 18:06

You made a choice.. Other people(related to the other half) may have trouble remembering you're original name or just don't care enough. They are making an effort.. Get over it.. And just be happy they include you.

DanceParty · 04/02/2014 18:12

If you want to buck the trend, do NOT expect everyone else to remember, or care. Especially older Aunties!

CumberCookie · 04/02/2014 18:16

Yanbu if they are just doing it to annoy you but isn't it possible that they forget you haven't taken his name? I only ask because my sis kept her name and she has to keep reminding family on OUR side about it.

LessMissAbs · 04/02/2014 18:20

My PIL did the same thing. My mother isn't British and it isn't a family tradition to change surname on marriage, so it was particularly offensive as she is now dead and keeping my own surname was very dear to her. I dropped hints to this effect but kept getting cards directed to [their surname]. It was part of them persisting in their fanciful notion that I had persuaded their son to marry me and let me become part of their wealthy important local family. In the end I had to tactfully but rather forcefully dissuade them of both notions and inform them that if they persisted in it and DH didn't tell them next time himself, they would have a divorced son back on their hands living at home as he would no longer be living in my house!

hettie · 04/02/2014 18:26

Aunt's,I can understand may not remember...PIL surely must...I suggest the direct approach outlined above. And maybe you could suggest that, if it's a problem to 'remember' then maybe DH could change his surname to yours...

Musicaltheatremum · 04/02/2014 18:51

I am Dr x (maiden name) at work and Mrs Bloggs(married name) at home.
I don't have a problem with taking my husbands name, didn't even have a problem with being Mr and Mrs Anthony Bloggs on letters and cards but what I really objected to was this Christmas getting a card from someone addressed to Mrs Anthony Bloggs when my husband had died 2 years ago. Apart from making me cross it upset me.

pixiegumboot · 04/02/2014 19:08

Still pisses me off after 10yrs of marriage. Although this year our Christmas card was addressed correctly from dh uncle. 10years!!!

We always send cards or any correspondence with a sticker on the back that says husband name my name address.

I honestly think that if you don't make a note of how someone wants to be addressed then you can't use good manners or societal 'norms' as an excuse. Its just bloody rude, disrespectful and it pisses me off too. No help to you really sorry

WitchWay · 04/02/2014 19:40

I'd ignore - they won't change

I get pissed off when supposedly good friends & even relatives misspell my first name. It is a common variant of a common name just one letter shorter. For example I use Hanna rather than Hannah (not my real name). The pronunciation is the same. Drives me nuts.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2014 19:51

Every time my parents need to put my details on anything (contact for the alarms, NOK on passports, their car insurance) they ring me and say in a very exasperated voice "So what IS you name?!" like they dont know!

Its because I use my maiden name for all work related things, my double barrelled surname (mine and H's run together) for personal things. As far as theya re concerned I should have become MRs H's Name when we got arried and the fact that I didnt is just awkwardness and attention seeking :o

fedupfedup · 04/02/2014 19:57

Yanbu, it's rude but I'd let it go.

DangerRabbit · 04/02/2014 21:19

YANBU. My mum has 4 brothers who have an "unusual" surname that none of my aunt-in-laws have taken. My grandpa always used to send letters to "mr an mrs strangename" until my aunt-in-law started returning them to sender!

Joysmum · 04/02/2014 21:31

I have the opposite, I took my husbands surname and my own family forget it and change DH's and DD's names to my maiden name. Luckily we all find it funny Grin

There's nothing sinister or calculated about it, their just a bit dotty! I only correct if it's cheques for birthdays and Christmas that we can't cash 'cause the name's wrong.

FootieOnTheTelly · 04/02/2014 21:37

They probably just forgot your surname. They sent you a card so they can't be all bad (trying to be positive here)
It wouldn't bother me unless I thought they were doing it on purpose.

pixiegumboot · 04/02/2014 21:40

I would probably find it funny if there wasn't a massive hoo ha about me keeping my name in the first place. Since there was cats bum faces its not funny, its a pointed reference and disapproval.
And none of them realise how utterly disrespectful thus is to their son/family member and his choices! Rude buggers.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/02/2014 21:48

I think you're being just a touch petty. I am married but haven't changed my name, more because I hate paperwork than out of any principle, and couldn't give a stuff when people address envelopes to Mr and Mrs DH rather than Mr DH and Ms Manatee

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