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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a 5yr age gap between kids

68 replies

daisydee43 · 23/01/2014 19:12

I feel a great pressure to have another baby now my dd is 2yo and dh is bringing up baby talks. My dd is so demanding I can't even imagine getting pregnant now and I really want to enjoy her early days. All I see with kids with a 2 year gap is stressed parents and rivalry. I feel my choice of waiting to get pregnant when dd at nursery or school is the best - had dd1 at 24yo so have plenty of time

OP posts:

WhispersOfWickedness · 23/01/2014 19:19

YANBU, I have a 20 month age gap between mine and if I had my time again, I would have gone for a 5 year gap!
I don't regret it, and there are definite advantages to a small age gap as well, but it was bloody hard work.

cogitosum · 23/01/2014 19:22

That's pretty much the gap I want but dh is older so it may have to be smaller. Similar reasons. I want to enjoy ds and I have a 5-6 year gap with my dsis and we are very close.

Topaz25 · 23/01/2014 19:25

A 5 year gap doesn't necessarily stop sibling rivalry, my brother is 5 years younger and I always felt that caused arguments growing up because we were always at different stages of development with nothing in common. When I was school age and trying to do my homework he was a toddler scribbling on it, when I was a moody teenager needing my own space he was a child following me around wanting to play etc. We get on better as adults. OTOH DH and his brother are 2 years apart and very competitive! pick the gap that works for you and your family, YANBU not to want DC2 yet.

Lemongrab · 23/01/2014 19:25

Yanbu. We waited for four years so that we could enjoy dd1 on her own for a while. I also got to enjoy lots of alone time with dd2 when she was born as dd1 was in school (Dd1 August baby, youngest in year). They're now 9 and 13 and get on really well.

Guitargirl · 23/01/2014 19:27

YANBU to want to try to plan your family any way you choose. As much as any of us can plan these things.

FWIW, I have a 2 year gap between DCs and there is no rivalry, they are best mates.

maras2 · 23/01/2014 19:28

6 years between mine.Very much planned and never regretted.Kids have been great friends and still are well into their 30's.

DorothyGherkins · 23/01/2014 19:29

I had five-year gap. Worked well for us, wouldn't have changed it.

Yama · 23/01/2014 19:31

YANBU

I wanted to enjoy my second mat leave. Ds was born the day after dd started school. There's just shy of 5 years between them.

They are very close.

Doitnicelyplease · 23/01/2014 19:34

I have a 3yr 9 month age gap, it was big enough to make things easier on me, eldest was potty trained, could dress themselves, communicate, wait for my help if needed etc. I am glad that the gap isn't any bigger though as I they are starting to play well together now at 5 & 18 months.

Remember that if you have a 5 year gap your eldest will have had a very long time as an only and might find it harder to adjust, 3-4 year gap is perfect imo.

DD1 was also starting school just as DD2 was becoming a toddler so that worked out too, as I get to spend lots of time doing activities with DD2 just as I did when DD1 was younger.

yonisareforever · 23/01/2014 19:36

I think your very wise...i also think 4 years would be enough also, we have 5 years and its been great, first dc is old enough to go to loo alone, do things on her own, understands lots and goes to school there has been no rivalry at all, none just sheer joy and pleasure from her little sis....

it still has its moments, when you have two on you at once, but doesnt seem to me to be anywhere near as stressful as two same age.

yonisareforever · 23/01/2014 19:37

maras

our gap wasnt planned, but so sweet to hear yours are still great friends, I pray mine will be!

Yama · 23/01/2014 19:40

By the way, our dd doesn't really remember life before her brother. And since he was 18 months they have been great at playing together.

I guess it comes down to personality and environment rather than age.

LydiaLunches · 23/01/2014 19:43

My eldest and youngest are that gap apart and it has always been lovely, I recommend it lots, everything seems to hi right when I just have those 2 - very civilised !

APipkinOfPepper · 23/01/2014 19:50

We have a 4 year gap and so far it is working well (DC2 is 18 months). But I also know many people with 2-ish year gaps and that seems to work for them too - in fact many are now going on to have their third. I think many different gaps can work, it depends what is best for you. For me, I would have found two close together hard and DC1 was still quite clingy with me at age 2 so a bigger gap was right for us.

squoosh · 23/01/2014 19:53

YANBU but YWBU to think a 5 year age gap ensures plain sailing and an absence of sibling rivalry.

dreamingofsun · 23/01/2014 19:56

we wanted our kids to be mates, ideally. the 5 year age gap is too long for that. plus I didn't fancy trying to balance 2 kids with totally different interests. it was much more fun watching them play together in play areas, football etc.

also it would have cost a lot more in terms of childcare to have a large gap. But each to their own, whatever works best for you and your kids.

My nieces who have a 4/5 year age gap hate each other. but then i guess they may have done this anyway. 5 years is a long time to get used to total attention and then have to share it with someone.

Golightly133 · 23/01/2014 20:01

What put me off a big gap was the pressure of trying to get the older one to school and I think that's unfair on your 1st because just as they start school another person arrives

I had a 17 month gap between the 1 and 2 and 12
Months between 2-3 we had lazy mornings no one rushing about they are all best freinds and tbh I couldn't have gone back to the baby stage after 5 years

FantasticMax · 23/01/2014 20:07

dreaming how can a larger age gap make childcare more expensive? I would have thought having one at school, one with childminder would be vastly cheaper than having two with childminder?

FWIW, my DD is 2 and I could have written your post! I am also planning a similiar age gap and I strongly feel this will work best for our family. There is 4 years between my sister and I and we played loads and are very close. My brother who I have an 18 month age gap with terrorised me throughout my childhood!!

Ra88 · 23/01/2014 20:08

This is exactly what we have done !

Always wanted my first to have started school before I have a second child . Our dd is 4.9 and well settled into her school routine and I am 40 weeks with our second child , we both felt it would be better for us to have that 1 on 1 time with dd, and her not feel pushed out as she is settled into school now and I will have 1 on 1 time at home with the new baby.

JapaneseMargaret · 23/01/2014 20:13

There is absolutely no way of foretelling the level of sibling rivalry - it is entirely down to personality.

A small or large gap has absolutely no bearing.

We deliberately went for a small gap (18 months) and yes, it was extremely tough, but I wouldn't have done it any other way. Now those relentless, non-verbal, nappy-changing days are behind us, it is all coming into its own. Our DC (5 and 3.6) are best friends who, yes, do squabble and fight, but also adore each other and look out for each other.

My best friend is expecting DC 2 and the age gap will be 5 years. I have to say, I don't envy them having to re-enter the fray. But that's because the baby years have me verging on PND, whereas other people actually enjoy them.

maras2 · 23/01/2014 20:13

Thanks yonis I'm sure they will be.

JapaneseMargaret · 23/01/2014 20:14

5 years is a long time to get used to total attention and then have to share it with someone.

Indeed.

MarlenaGru · 23/01/2014 20:16

Ours will be 6 years apart. I couldn't have coped with a smaller gap -just hope I can cope with this gap-- DD is delighted to be having a baby and to be a big sister which I am sure at age 2 wouldn't have really occurred to her.

Original poster

daisydee43 · 23/01/2014 20:18

Sounds great

OP posts:

JapaneseMargaret · 23/01/2014 20:20

It's interesting how differently people perceive things.

I would feel that a 5 year old going off to school would feel more pushed out by a baby coming along and getting all that one-on-one time at home with Mum.

A child who is only one when a new baby arrives won't remember a time before that baby, so their memories will always be of them and their sibling, both of them there.

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