Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want a 5yr age gap between kids

68 replies

daisydee43 · 23/01/2014 19:12

I feel a great pressure to have another baby now my dd is 2yo and dh is bringing up baby talks. My dd is so demanding I can't even imagine getting pregnant now and I really want to enjoy her early days. All I see with kids with a 2 year gap is stressed parents and rivalry. I feel my choice of waiting to get pregnant when dd at nursery or school is the best - had dd1 at 24yo so have plenty of time

OP posts:

Justholdthesmile · 23/01/2014 20:22

There is 5 years between me and my sister and we get on great throughout our childhood into the present (bar the few inevitable sibling fights). There were a couple of downsides for me personally -

We only attended the same school at the same time together for about 1 year (maybe 2 at max). It would have been nicer for me to have my big sister there.

Also by the time I was ready to go out drinking, she'd been through that phase and was settled down so I missed that part too.

But that's just my personal experience. We get on great and now we are both in our 20s the gap is not noticeable at all.

yonisareforever · 23/01/2014 20:23

dreaming a five year age gap is not too long for children be friends, a few people have already come on and said they have that age gap and 30 years on they are great friends. amazed at sweeping statements

Nojustalurker · 23/01/2014 20:25

If you work a five year age gap will result in not having to pay for full time child are for two children at the same time.

Original poster

daisydee43 · 23/01/2014 20:26

By the sounds of it 4 years is a better gap? One at pre- school and one new born. Me and my brother have 18 months between us and went to diff schools anyway and I hated seeing him out drinking - I was a bit of an embarrassment to him

OP posts:

Junebugjr · 23/01/2014 20:26

For me personally, I wouldn't have fancied going back into baby/toddler years after having had things civilised for quite a while. I just wanted to get it over and done with hence my 2 year few months age gap. It depends on the child as well, dd1 was a lovely 2 year old, dd2 is the same age dd1 was when she was born, and I could never cope with another baby as well as her! Whatever works for your family the best.

TravelinColour · 23/01/2014 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yonisareforever · 23/01/2014 20:27

japanese mine had been at school a year before sister came along. it would never in a million years occur to her that mum is at home with baby all day and tbh I dont think she wants to be at home with me all day as she loves school and all her friends.

when the baby came, as she slept most of the time, older dd was still able to have most of the attention she would normally have, and by the time baby was awakre more and needing more, the idea of her and her integration had already happened so there was no huge shift in focus.

I really dont think my dd ever thinks what I am doing at home all day! out of sight out of mind.

yonisareforever · 23/01/2014 20:28

i would go for 4 if i had the choice. but 5 has also been fine.

WeddingComingUp · 23/01/2014 20:30

Yanbu.

But don't think that a larger gap also means no sibling rivalry.

My sister is 5 years younger than me. All I can remember growing up is the pair of us tearing strips off each other. We were constantly arguing. In the early years I was incredibly jealous of her replacing me as the baby of the family. As we got older, she was jealous of me. She was 13, wanting a bit more freedom, getting to the age where she wanted to experiment with make up and clothes but wasn't allowed...yet obviously at 18 I was doing all the things she knew she couldn't for years.

At 22 and 27 we still don't really get on. Whereas I have a friend with a sister just a year or so younger and they really are best friends.

lilyaldrin · 23/01/2014 20:32

YANBU

There's no way to guarantee siblings will be friends or rivals - certainly not by the age gap! Some with 18 months between them will never get on, some with 10 years between them will be lifelong friends.

Personally you could not have paid me to have less than a 3 year gap

Artandco · 23/01/2014 20:32

We have a small gap. 1 year. I love it. Youngest now 2.5 and all baby stuff gone. Both potty trained/ sleep well / eat well. I can't imagine waiting 5 years then back to sleepless nights. It's very easy as they are into the same thing

5 year gap is often more expensive in childcare. 2 close means you can have a nanny for say 5 years then both in school. With gap you pay same price but for 10 years.

squoosh · 23/01/2014 20:32

The other thing about age gaps, whether 1 year or 5, depends on how many children you want. If you want 4 children with a 5 year gap between all you need to get cracking pretty early on. If you're having your first child in your late thirties early forties and want more than one child a 5 year age gap isn't really feasible.

I know lots of lovely sibling groups, some of them are close in age, some of them have quite large gaps. Personally I think a lot of sibling relationships really come into their own once people move out of home and no longer forced to live with one another, then a 5 year age difference doesn't really make a difference.

ZingSweetApple · 23/01/2014 20:37

daisy

I prefer a two-three year gap, but YANBU to choose whatever gap you feel is right!

bear in mind, it might take longer to concieve or things could go wrong, so I would probably start DTD when existing child is about 3.
if you wait you could end up with a larger gap than planned - nothing wrong with that either, just consider the possibility.

if you feel you are not ready then do not let anyone pressurize you! your mental, physical and emotional health is very important and nobody's bloody business when or if you are ready for round two!

hth

Guitargirl · 23/01/2014 20:38

Surely what works for one family isn't necessarily going to work for another?

We all have different experiences. Most people are going to come on here and say they think the age gap they went for is the best, whatever that may be. My mum has a 5-year age gap with one sibling and a 12-year age gap with another. My dad has an 18-month gap with one sibling and no gap with another (twin). I am an only child and our children have 2 year gap. Now, each of those different age gaps will have good points and bad points about them. All children are different and will react in different ways to a sibling. There is no rhyme or reason to it and there's no way of predicting it. My parents chose to have one child. My mum had a very difficult relationship with her sister who is 5 years older than her and decided to only have one child because of that. I am an only child and decided to have 2 children because I didn't want a child of mine to be an only. We are ALL reacting to our own experiences and making our families accordingly. I know of siblings who hate each other and those who are best mates and there is no set age gap for working out which of those yours will fit into. We chose to have two close together because we wanted them to grow up together, to be able to go to the same school and see each other in the playground, to be able to go on holiday and not to have to think about different activities for them. And our eldest had just started sleeping through when I got pregnant with DC2 (probably not a coincidence!). Those people who have gone for different age gaps have, I am sure, their own reasons for planning the gaps that they have. And then some people will have wanted a different gap but ttc is not really an exact science and we don't always get the age gap that we would like in an ideal world.

Just do what is best for you and your own family.

Arudonto · 23/01/2014 21:05

Theres a 4 year gap between myself and all three siblings.. I think worked well for us, we all did play together/interact as kids and get along resonably well now as adults. It did mean having a teenager in the house for almost a decade for my parents though..

Arudonto · 23/01/2014 21:06

also the older siblings were often good for babysitting as they were in their teens as well so my parents got their life back to some extent ;P

dreamingofsun · 23/01/2014 21:23

siblings might be friends when they are 30, but a 5 year age gap as a child is enourmous, and kids are likely to be interested in totally different things - or at least my 2 with that gap were.

childcare would have been more for us with larger gap as we had 3 kids and so was cheaper to employ a nanny. so larger gap = more nanny years

i still think each to your own. personally there's no way i would have this gap. i guess it also depends how old you are when you start having kids

violator · 23/01/2014 22:25

YANBU.
There's 5 years between my only sibling and me. Never an inkling of jealousy, she was off at school and had her own 'life' going on when I arrived.
We get on fantastically, always have. Even as kids she had more sense than to engage in fights with me.

Also, looking at my many friends with the so-called ideal 2 year age gap, well I'll just say I never envy them. Ever. Even the most chilled out mum of the lot loses the plot on a regular basis.

plentyofsoap · 24/01/2014 00:14

I have got a five year age gap. Ds had settled into school then dd was born. I had all the time with him before her arrival and I have my days with her now. It was planned this way and ds is old enough to understand the situation. He has taken on the role of big brother very well and is caring towards her.

Megrim · 24/01/2014 06:12

I planned for a 2 or 3 year age gap between my two, I ended up with a 7 year age gap. You don't necessarily have a choice. It's worked out well, DS was made to feel very special at school having a new baby brother and he was old enough to want to give me a hand with the baby. They still spend time together now at ages 15 and 8, and even choosing holidays has been straightforward as they like doing the same things.

thesnowmanrocks · 24/01/2014 06:38

There is a 4.5yr gap between ds and dd.
Don't think I could have coped with a smaller gap.
Big brother helps and loves playing with her, they adore each other, it's lovely.

CheerfulYank · 24/01/2014 06:55

I have an almost 6 year gap between DS and DD. In some ways it's hard- he was used to getting all the attention, we're starting over with diapers and sleepless nights, etc, but some good things too. He adores her, can read to her, all kinds of things. Plus I was really ill for most of my pregnancy with DD and DS was old enough to not need constant supervision, which was so helpful.

If we have a third it'll definitely be a smaller gap, though! :)

Mumof3xx · 24/01/2014 06:59

Yanbu

I have 6 yrs between dc1 and 3

He is lovely with her. So helpful caring Nd understanding.

There are 4 years between dc2 and 3, he is less careful Nd understanding!

On the whole the older two being 4&5 years older is good. They are fairly independent which gives me plenty of time for baby

However when dc2 was born dc1 was 16months and I remember everything being rushed and stressful

I deffently prefer the bigger gap

Hoppinggreen · 24/01/2014 09:13

4 year gap here and it's worked really well for us.
My SIL had a 14 month gap and it was absolute hell for her.
Different things work for different people

PoppyFleur · 24/01/2014 09:24

My Dsis & I are almost 6 years apart in age & have always been close. I was the annoying younger sibling & she the very tolerant older sis (and remains the same to this day!). We were never in the same development phase & never competed, I love her to bits.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread