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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this comment is unreasonable

52 replies

benfoldsfive · 20/12/2013 15:06

Ok so on going dispute with my Ex Husband. Our 3 (10, 8 and 6) children go on over night contact once a week. They have 2 half siblings and 3 step brothers. My children have said that they don't feel welcome and don't feel comfortable in the house i.e having to sleep on the floor, no personal belongings their despite ex having lived and contact being in this house for over a year.

I raised this issue and said they really don't feel at home on contact for the reasons above. This was the reply:

"We have always strived for DD1, DS1 and DS2 to feel welcome and comfortable here but so we are clear this is not their home and it would be incorrect for them to consider or to be told it is. They spend less than twenty percent of their entire week here, their home is where they live and that is with you. This is their Fathers and their extended families home and they are welcome here. Visitor is not a dirty word and it is factually correct to say that the children visit with us, neither is it dismissive of their place within our family,they are very much part of this household and our lives in all ways when they are with us."

AIBU to think this is a) to complex and subtle distinction to expect a 10, 8 and 6 year old to understand? and b) dismissive of my children (amongst other things!)

OP posts:

formerbabe · 20/12/2013 15:07

Disgusting. That is all.

RedHelenB · 20/12/2013 15:08

I can see both sides tbh but it seems a somewhat cold reply.

Tapiocapearl · 20/12/2013 15:17

Your kids have said they don't feel welcome, your ex should have responded by asking how he can make them feel more comfortable. There must be lots of small things he can do - a cupboard with their stuff in etc

eurochick · 20/12/2013 15:19

That's terrible. It is their home for part of the week. It should feel like their home.

MintyChops · 20/12/2013 15:24

Your ex sounds like a wanker, bet you're glad to be shot of him. Hope you and the kids have a lovely Christmas together at home.

monicalewinski · 20/12/2013 15:43

That is awful. I have no experience of blended families etc, but if this were my children and their dad I would be horrified that their dad could be so cold.

Of course they should feel like his home is a second home to them, regardless of the 'percentage of time' they stay there.

YANBU at all, I think he is hugely out of order. What a wanker.

Theknacktoflying · 20/12/2013 15:53

Perhaps this isn't him talking, but rather the take of the situation by the new wife/partner (or he is a real heartless a*hole).

It's not going to change, it is pretty dismissive, but hey-ho - change what you can, accept what you can't ..

Goldmandra · 20/12/2013 15:56

Dear ExH,

Thank you for clarifying this. I will let your children know where they stand.

benfoldsfive

You can't change how he feels but you can equip your children to deal with it by reducing their expectations.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 15:57

Home is where you parent is.

Your ex is a twat.

Feeling you have a home is one of the most important things you can ever have. I know as I never had a home as a child. Your children have a home with you but also should feel they have a home with their father too.

Is it your ex being told what to do by his new ex wife who just wants her little family and hates he had a life before her, or is it all him? Either way, he is still a twat.

Wife number 2 or 5 his children should always come first.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 15:59

Do they actually sleep on the floor or is it a blow up bed?

This has made me so angry actually. He should not have had more children f he can't afford beds for the ones he already had!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 20/12/2013 16:00

So you wrote to your Ex and his partner answered?

I think that's a pretty crap attitude to be honest, they're his kids, even if they aren't hers and they should be able to feel at home.

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 16:03

I have a feeling there is a lot more background to this than you are letting on...

That sounds to me like you have been asking for the stepbrothers and half siblings to get the rough end of a deal to suit your children.

What is the background? Is there a problem with bedrooms being shared? Or are the other siblings expected to be turfed out of bed to suit them? I think if a child is living there full time they may need to have things that your children don't have while they're there - like a proper bed rather than a pull out or more wardrobe space and toys.

They should have sleeping bags and a mat to sleep on if there are no beds available.

Sorry, but it really seems there is a big subtext to that text that you're not letting on about.

InTheRedCorner · 20/12/2013 16:03

It doesn't read like he wrote it himself.

It's still an awful thing to say about children though.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 16:04

Toffeeownsthesausage said what I was going to, home is where the parents are.

My daughter feels at home with her grandparents too and they'd never say she was just a visitor and want her to feel as at home there as possible.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/12/2013 16:05

That's a shocking response.

It's a very rational one though. Can he be reasoned with? Could you put him in the direction of research or a counsellor who can explain how actually they should have two homes now and are not 'visitors' when staying with him.

If not, I would stop overnight contact if the children were happy with that.

Jinty64 · 20/12/2013 16:09

Do the children want to continue overnight contact or would they rather "visit" during the day and come home at night.

MOTU · 20/12/2013 16:17

I think simply replying "thank you for clarifying" and allowing the children to choose how they interact with their father from now on is best. When the relationship isn't as close as he'd like , it will be clear why. You can't do any more than point out opportunities to improve to him.

Foxeym · 20/12/2013 16:24

I think your ExH has worded that extremely badly and yanbu to be pissed off. My DP's 2DC's stay with us every other weekend, I also have 2DC's myself and we have a 9 week old DS together and although his DC know this isn't their home they are always made to feel welcome. ie, we treat them all the same, his DC have some clothes here and bits and pieces and they bring with them anything else they need. They do sleep on the sofa (which they are happy to do) through lack of space and we did give them the option of all camping together in the bedroom. On the other hand when my 2DC go to my ExH they are made to feel outsiders, have to sleep on the floor even though there is 3 empty beds, made to ask for everything and ExH DP basically ignoring them to the point where the eldest no longer wants to go. So I have seen both sides to this situation and it's a bit rubbish, it doesn't take a lot to make a bit of effort!

NatashaBee · 20/12/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quoteunquote · 20/12/2013 16:33

Congratulations benfoldfive on getting rid of such a class A twonk,

What a nasty way to behave towards his children,

Your children must feel very rejected and hurt.

any normal person would want to make the most of their 20%,

I would keep a copy or the reply, as when he starts throwing accusations, in a few years time that his teenagers don't want to spend time with him, you can give it to him so he can work out where he went so wrong.

quesadilla · 20/12/2013 16:34

Totally agree with what's been said. Your ex is a twat. A place where a parent lives should be a home to a child even if its visited one day a year.

lunar1 · 20/12/2013 16:35

What a wanker. Home for children is where their parents are. Says a lot that he would rather father extra children and provide for another persons children than look out for his own.

What does the step mum envisage will happen to her 5 when he moves on again. I hate people who treat children in such a disposable way.

thankfeckitschrismas · 20/12/2013 16:36

I would respond that it is their home for the 20% of the time they are there.

However 5 boys, three girls, and two adults in an average sized house is always going to be cramped. That's just a fact

His response is 100% arsehole

gleekster · 20/12/2013 16:39

I would send the message goldmandra cited. I would probably "bold" the words your children Then I would ask the kids if they actually wanted to stay overnight at Dads. If not, they would no longer be staying.
And yes, keep copies of everything.
Wanker!

SatinSandals · 20/12/2013 16:40

His response shows exactly why they don't feel welcome.

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