To think this comment is unreasonable

[benfoldsfive]

Ok so on going dispute with my Ex Husband. Our 3 (10, 8 and 6) children go on over night contact once a week. They have 2 half siblings and 3 step brothers. My children have said that they don't feel welcome and don't feel comfortable in the house i.e having to sleep on the floor, no personal belongings their despite ex having lived and contact being in this house for over a year.

I raised this issue and said they really don't feel at home on contact for the reasons above. This was the reply:

"We have always strived for DD1, DS1 and DS2 to feel welcome and comfortable here but so we are clear this is not their home and it would be incorrect for them to consider or to be told it is. They spend less than twenty percent of their entire week here, their home is where they live and that is with you. This is their Fathers and their extended families home and they are welcome here. Visitor is not a dirty word and it is factually correct to say that the children visit with us, neither is it dismissive of their place within our family,they are very much part of this household and our lives in all ways when they are with us."

AIBU to think this is a) to complex and subtle distinction to expect a 10, 8 and 6 year old to understand? and b) dismissive of my children (amongst other things!)

Personally I think home is where the parent is when it comes to children and therefore when a child has parents who live apart they have 2 homes.
His comments are disgusting no wonder your children don't feel welcome if that is his attitude. The 20% of the week they spend there should be as comfortable and welcoming as the 80% they are with you.
Grrr he has annoyed me and I don't even know him.

That's just awful.

I must say, i kind of agree with him. Altho it was worded very coldly - i assume that was more for your benefit tho. My half sister visited with us once a week. My home was never considered by anyone to be her home, and as such she was always treated like a visitor which fucked me off royally and she played up to it (still does). She was never asked to help out or do anything and everything was her way, because she was a guest. She had a bunk in my room, but that was it. It was still very much my room and was decorated for my age group etc. My sister brought her things with her and took them home with her. She had her room and her stuff at her home with her Mum.

Everyone i know who had this set up had similar. Maybe things are different now.

Where do they sleep? and on what? do they get involved with activities? do they do chores (like helping with washing up) as if it was their home?

It sounds like they are viewed as an inconvenience, rather than as a visitor.

I think that's really sad (for your children). Are you sure he wrote the reply? It's odd to speak about yourself in the third person.

Hmmm I have to say honestly they are right it isn't their home. I don't think kids can/should have 2 homes or they have neither.

DNs say "mummys house daddy's house" the downfall of 2 homes = no home.

So yes your home is their home and gives them their roots and stability.

However that text is cold as fuck. Their father's house should be fully open to them, they should feel comfortable and happy their and that is not "being a visitor".

*there

Home is where the parent is. It's how our blended family worked, and my dad was fiercely protective of our rights in our home with him, to the point he ended a relationship over it. That being said he has changed his mind since we grew up and no longer have regular contact, which is fair IMO.
As we treated his house as our home we were expected to do chores etc, but it was a nice relaxed place to be. A friend had a similar set-up to yours though and I will never forget the day I stayed over at her dads for a sleepover. Her Dsm threw a massive strop because we'd dared to eat HER sons cereals and use HER milk etc. Absolutely disgusting way to treat step-children.

As another poster quite rightly put it, congratulations of ridding yourself of this low life.

As another poster also advised. Keep this message for future reference. If the DCs ever wonder why you separated this will help to illustrate why. He does come across as someone who sees DCs as commodities somewhat. Prat!

Oh he sounds like a right prick!

I had two houses as a child. I couldn't imagine being a visitor in my dads house. I don't think we would be close if I had been considered a visitor.

I do think the text is cold and can understand why you are upset by the tone of it. However, I can see where your ex is coming from. This is not a shared contact agreement, your dcs stay there once a week therefore their primary home is with you. There are 5 other children in that house which I'm assuming is their primary home. Regardless of how you may feel about your ex having children when he has no room for the ones he has, you are not surely asking for these children to be turfed out of their beds? You haven't said what solution to the lack of beds you propose. This house will never be home to your dcs in the same way that it is to the others.

That said, that is very different to not feeling welcome and I think that is the issue you need to address as that is horrible. It not being their home is very different to not feelin welcome and you need to work with your ex in making sure they feel welcome as well as helping your children deal with these emotions.

I'm 30 y/o, married, live on a completely different continent to my family and I STILL call where my mother lives "home". What a prick!

Surely he could find a little corner they can call their own while they are there. Even if its a blow up bed it needs to be their allocated space during this time and a bit of cupboard space or a storage box which can double as a bedside table. They need a little sensr of belonging even if quite reasonably its put away when they go to their other home. Are you sure they don' t exaggerate to play off the adults though?1

To those who think I am suggesting my dcs half and step siblings should be turfed out of their beds - I am obviously not suggesting this.

The is a massive back story but I have never been neither about my children's new family. When thier new siblings were born I took them out and got them to choose a gift ( dispite ex h only informing dc's last sibling was on his way 24hr before he was born - Yes seriously).

My answer? Pull out beds, blow up bed with the bedding they had when he lived at his mother's. A toy box with thier own toys in (as they have to ask permission to play with the ones in the home). Also he has no photos of our dcs up.

I just find it really sad for every one. There are massive tentions been dcs and the step children as they feel invaded to. Small changes could make all the difference and create a happy home for all. I suggest anything and I'm interfering but the dcs are becoming increasingly miserable.

I just his/her comment is how they view thier step family and I just need to prepare the children for it being this crappy.

Your children's home is with you - some separated and blended families manage the 2 homes scenario but unfortunately that won't be the case for your kids. It's sad that their Dad is a dick but that's the way it is and there's probably no changing it. They are going to be visitors in their Dads and their half siblings lives - it will end up being their loss not your children's. He is going to miss out on them growing up - they are going to miss out on having a dickhead Dad.

It's strange that he has no photos of his children up. I think more than anything else having photos up of his children would make them feel at home. Even as an adult I love that my dad and stepmum have pictures on the wall of me, it sort of says you're family and we think of you when you're not here.

Yanbu. He's a prick. Making his children feel uncomfortable just so it's easier for him and his new family

I'd be steaming. Best to not fall out for the kids sake, but I can see why you're angry.

What a chilling response. I'd not be encouraging extra contact or insisting they try to sustain a relationship that is so one sided.

In that case op I can see why you are annoyed. No picturesi is horrible and your suggestions are very reasonable. Your poor dcs.

When my kids stay with my ex they don't refer to it as their home even though they are welcomed as if it it was they call it dads house. They always say their home is with me.
My step kids are they same.
The email is cold and heartless but it does kind of speak the truth. If the kids don't want to stay then don't force them as this does more harm than good.
Day time visits are just as good IMO. Hope you get it sorted out op.

It must be very hard for them, having to watch their dad "parenting" his other children while being aware that they are visitors and as such they are being "hosted" and are subject to different rules and expectations.

The no picture thing is horrible (both sets of grandparents only had favoured cousins up in their homes and that hurt, so it must sting like a muther fucker if it's your own dad). Have you asked about the pictures and toys specifically? Have you matter of factly said the dc are upset you have no pics of them and have pics of new dc?

I would send a bullet pointed email with what would make them more comfortable - as 'regular visitors'. I would accept it is not to be seen as their home and see what little things he would change - perhaps incrementally - for their sense of well being.

Do they spend holidays with their dad and half siblings? How is their relationship with step mum?

Disgusting. That is all.

Why not just jump in with the verdict formerbabe ?

You seem to know more about the ins and outs of this OP than the rest of us.