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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say 'my'?

64 replies

ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 28/11/2013 10:43

Was wondering this recently, I've seen a few threads about grandparents referring to grandchildren as 'my little baby' or similar and this annoying the parents.

I have a DSD and a niece who are cousins, close in age and live with me and DP. (DP and his sister live together which is why niece is there too) when I give them cuddles I catch myself saying 'my little munchkins' or similar, and am wondering if I'm crossing a line by doing so? I always catch myself after saying it, I'm not doing it deliberately to wind anyone up, it's just an instinctive thing for me to say I guess? Is it really that bad?

OP posts:
randomquicknamechange · 28/11/2013 10:53

It's not bad at all if you ask me, both sets of grandparents say it here, I think my SILakso says it about mine, as did my grandparents about us.
In fact I would go so far as to say it is perfectly normal.
I think a lot of the time it is people who have MIL issues that have the most problem with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2013 10:56

YANBU. Anyone who takes offence at 'my' is a nutter.

diddl · 28/11/2013 11:03

I think saying "my munchkin" isn't the same as saying "my baby" though or "my little boy/girl".

Especially if it's done in a way to try to take credit for the birth!

I'm sure I would have hated it with my PFB if it seemed as if GPs were trying to pass themselves of as parents!

randomquicknamechange · 28/11/2013 11:06

Surely it isn't trying to pass themselves of as parents, both DM and MIL have said 'my my little girl/boy' or 'nanny's little girl/boy'.

It is just something people do, I shall never understand this.

TheWazzock · 28/11/2013 11:41

Dsis and I call each other's DC 'my baby' 'my beautiful boy/girl/cheeky monkey'
Thinking about it loooads of people call my DC 'my' in conversation.
I'm HmmHmm that anyone could think it's a problem.
Mind you I'm constantly amazed at the shit people get wound up by Grin

Poledra · 28/11/2013 11:45

I've never understood this - my mum will call me up and say 'How are my girls?' meaning my DCs. It doesn't offend me at all.

I think the people who are bothered by it already have a strained relationship with the mother/mil/whomever, so it's the last straw. In most loving families - nah, wouldn't bother me a bit. I'm just glad that I'm lucky enough to have parents and parents-in-law who love their grandchildren.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 28/11/2013 11:52

Wouldn't bother me at all, share the love I say.
It's wonderful for children/people to know that they're loved and treated with affection.

MrsMoon76 · 28/11/2013 11:58

My MIL took to calling my DH's nephew "her baby". It drove BIL and his wife mental - apparently the wife got into an awful strop at our wedding because MIL asked to hold "her baby". The relationship is fairly toxic (fault on both sides) so that was never going to go down very well.

MrsMoon76 · 28/11/2013 12:00

Oh and I still call my cousin "my baby". I should stop one of these days as she is now 18.....though she reckons it makes her feel loved.

jacks365 · 28/11/2013 12:03

Sometimes its not just about the word used but how its said and context.

For example grandmother walks in pushes past mum and picks up the baby that the mum has just spent an hour trying to get to sleep and completely ignoring mum asks how is 'my' little boy today you're ok now nanny is here.

Or

Grandmother walks in hugs mum and looking at baby sleeping asks mum how is my little boy today without picking up and disturbing the baby.

Thing is the attitude is hard to articulate so the word gets fixed on, it's not really about the word my but a possesive attitude that goes with it in some cases

EssexGurl · 28/11/2013 12:03

I take exception to Sherrie Hewson talking about "her" little boy when she means her grandson. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

Thumbwitch · 28/11/2013 12:10

Depends on how possessive the person saying it is, and how likely they are to try and exclude the actual parent, I think.

In your case, seems YANBU - but in other cases, some examples shown on this thread, it is VU.

maras2 · 28/11/2013 12:37

I'm allways saying stuff to the DGs like ' Oo there's my lovely boy/girl ' or ' Who's Grandma's best baby '?After reading the posts on here where daughters who's mums say things like this feel pissed off by it for whatever reason,I asked both my daughter and daughter in law if it bothered them.Answer was a resounding ' No '.Both were very surprised that it was an issue for some.

Scholes34 · 28/11/2013 12:38

In our family it's all "my", "your" and "our" depending on who you're talking to and in what context. It's "my mum" when I'm talking, "your mum" when I'm talking to my brother, even though it's the same person, "our Liz" when I'm talking to my brother about our cousin, but "our Liz's DH", as he's not a blood relative, and "my darling" when I'm talking to my niece.

It's just words that come out with no real thought behind them. We're not ostricizing our Liz's DH and I'm not claiming my niece as my own.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/11/2013 12:44

People who get offended by this need to get a life seriously.

CrazyOldCatLady · 28/11/2013 13:04

It depends on your relationship with the parents.

I didn't like my mum saying it when DC1 was born. But I also didn't like when she told me during my pregnancy that she wished I was having twins so she could have one of them. Or when she referred to herself as 'mama' when talking to my kids.

If you're a reasonably sane person, you're probably okay saying it Grin

WilsonFrickett · 28/11/2013 13:07

Two quotes from my own DM:

To my DS

'Hello my sweetheart boy' absolutely fine.

To her colleague (we were in her office at the time)

'Oh hello Jane, come and meet my baby' Not. Fine. At. All.

Bythebeach · 28/11/2013 13:28

My mother in law and mother don't do this. But if my mother did it, I would be incandescent. I tthink his is because she has boundary issues and especially with my first tried to assume so much responsibility/ could never settle or stop suggesting if I did things differently to her way. She really did seem to consider her grandchildren to be 'hers' rather than mine...although she has improved over the years!!

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 28/11/2013 13:33

My MIL always used to say 'my boys' about the dc and it used to grate.

However, she also used to make comments like 'Oh! They're so similar to how mine used to be it's difficult to remember they're not mine!' Ds1 looks very much like df (who is her ds1) and ds2 looks very much like df's brother. So I kind of get her point about the similarities but it used to piss me off anyway.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 28/11/2013 13:38

However, further to that...one day when ds2 was about 2 weeks old she came over and watched him and ds1 for me when I went for a birthday meal with my sister. I was supposed to be out for the evening but really wasn't in the mood so came home straight after the meal, unexpected.

She was sitting on the sofa with her top off, so just in her bra, with ds2 just in a nappy and lying on her, because she wanted to have 'skin to skin' contact with him.

That weirded me out loads and was overstepping far too many boundaries IMO. I'm actually interested to know what others would think if that?

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 28/11/2013 13:40

For me it depends more on the person who is saying it.

My brother sometimes says 'my...' when talking about my children, he means nothing by it and it's absolutely fine.

My Mother (although we are NC now) used to say 'my...' and it pissed me off no end, mainly because she told me she was jealous that her friend was given her grandchildren as the parents were unfit and she wished I would 'be a junkie or something' and she said it to try and push me out of my own family.

It's more about the intention rather than the wording itself.

2Tiredtocare · 28/11/2013 13:41

I take exception to anything Sherre Hewson says

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 28/11/2013 13:42

she wanted to have 'skin to skin' contact with him

Shock fucking hell, words cannot describe how creepy and inappropriate that is.

Littlegreyauditor · 28/11/2013 13:49

No. I would not be ok with skin to skin, not at all.

I think the MIL relationship with grandchildren is fraught with difficulties and there is huge potential for overcompensating. The whole my child thing comes from insecurity I think (I hope). Similarly with every single trait the baby has being attributed to a relative on ILs side.

When DS was born he looked so much like his dad (the PFB) that I began to think there was a bit of reenactment going on. As he has grown though he looks more and more like me.

My mum has never done the my thing, but then again she was there when I was born, and there just after DS was born so she is secure in her "right" to be GM I think. If anything it is my dad who is most obsessed with the perfect GS with FIL a close second.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 28/11/2013 13:59

It depends on the context and the relationship.

I'm fine with my DP's family or even our friends referring to the kids with 'my ___'.

I take great issue with my parents and sister doing it. None of them have ever met the kids or really done anything for them. They only acknowledge us when it suits them or when they want to use me to boost their egos - them claiming any sort of ownership over my kids isn't out of care but because they want to make themselves look better. Having a sister who refused to speak to my partner, and never spoke to or to me about any of my kids suddenly asking about 'her' nephew when I had my fourth was frustrating - she wasn't interested in him or me (couldn't even be bothered to ask how I was), she wanted to share some gossip first to make herself look better.

I have a life, I love it and I put a lot of effort into it despite their best efforts to turn me into another drunken zombie. Them trying to take ownership of what I've done or what my kids do to me erases that they didn't want me to live this life and made it clear that they wanted me out of their lives. Wanting to take pieces back when I've done well is beyond frustrating.

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