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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I am married to a total tw@t?

55 replies

wandymum · 23/11/2013 00:09

So he comes home this evening. Always works late, always grumpy after a long day at work.

Tonight no exception. I tread carefully. After supper we sit down together on sofa. I ask how work was. He gives dismissive response. I ask for more detail (i'm no Paxman just asked generally what was wrong) and get both barrels so leave him to it.

He then follows me in to kitchen shouting if I'm upset it's my own fault because I should notice when he is in a bad mood and know not to speak to him.

I told him to feck off in no uncertain terms.

Is it unreasonable to expect that if he comes home in such a wozzie that he can't deal with polite conversation he shouldn't come home at all?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2013 00:10

Where else would he go?

Frostedloop · 23/11/2013 00:11

Both of you need to get a grip tbfh. Both over reacting.

Terrortree · 23/11/2013 00:12

Your call, I'm afraid. Do you want to put up with it? If it was the odd occasion here and there, y'know, I'd deal with it. But if it was 'always', as you say, then frankly they can find their own time and space.

Sounds pretty shitty to me.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/11/2013 00:14

If you think your partner is probably a wanker, it's because he is a wanker...

Original poster

wandymum · 23/11/2013 00:16

Ok thanks may well be overreacting. I'm in my own all day with the kids so really look forward to him coming home.

OP posts:

Original poster

wandymum · 23/11/2013 00:17

On not in.

OP posts:

livingmydream612 · 23/11/2013 00:17

Wandymum I think its a man thing. Well has been from the men I know. They cant not affect the household if they are in a bad mood u have to treat eggshells/counsel etc. When I have a bad day I just get on with it as do most of the women I know.

ScrambledSmegs · 23/11/2013 00:19

Is it really 'always'? Because if you have to 'tread carefully' more often than not, then I guess I would suggest getting yourself over to Relationships.

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 00:20

I would probably not say anything if I knew they needed to wind down, but then I can understand why you might feel you want to give him the opportunity to talk anything over.

Plus it's a bit shit to be walking on eggshells at a routine time, what's wrong with him just saying he needs some time instead of taking it out on you and making you feel responsible for him being in an arse.

Have you ever left him to it?

How long does it take him to get back to polite company?

Has he ever accused you of not caring because you haven't asked him how his day's gone?

Can he change jobs?

MyPrettyToes · 23/11/2013 00:21

I disagree that it is man thing. I suspect that are many women who behave like this too, I personally know a couple. It is twatish thing, and unacceptable.

OP if you are constantly having to 'tread carefully', then that is no way to live. Honestly next time you sense he is in a mood, ignore him. Leave him to it.

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 00:22

'I tread carefully'

It did make me shudder reading that, it's not good.

Original poster

wandymum · 23/11/2013 00:33

Thing is this was a good hour and a half after he came in. I thought I'd given him enough time to calm down. Maybe not.

Thing is our personalities are very different anyway so if I was pissed off I'd want to tali it through.

Guess I just have to accept he's not the same.

If only we had a shed/garage he could go and sulk in until he was able to be spoken to rather than having him here but having to pretend he isn't IFYSWIM

OP posts:

squoosh · 23/11/2013 00:33

If this is normal behaviour from him well then you're right, you are married to a twat.

Lairyfights · 23/11/2013 00:37

If this is every night, it needs addressing - I'd hate to think I had to tread carefully when my DH came in from work.

If it's a one off thing, or rarely happens - I'd let it go, we all have really shitty days. I know I've come home and taken my stress of the day out on DH by shouting and falling out with him. It's only natural I think to take it out on the people you love most, after all - you trust them to stay with you, calm you down and make it all ok!

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 00:42

How are you supposed to know when he's come out of his arse?

Does he expect you to tip toe around him until he's given you The Sign that you may approach him with caution?

Fuck that.

If he knows he's going to be a twat when he gets in from work late then he can buck himself up and treat you with some respect instead of biting your fucking head off for caring.

What's he like if you're not in the best of moods?

Original poster

wandymum · 23/11/2013 00:50

Agentzigzag he gets very angry with me if I'm upset at all. He Has told me repeatedly that I shouldn't bother him with my 'whingeing'.

Now I think about it, I think this is the root of the problem. If I am upset I seek comfort from him, whereas if he's upset he wants to be left alone. So rather than cheering each other up we make things worse.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 01:07

So maximises his own feelings and minimises yours?

Expects you to defer to his Very Important Feelings, but likes to make it blatantly clear what he thinks about expending energy on making you feel better?

All the signs he gives off are telling you not to talk to him, I'm surprised you bother at all tbh.

What is it that makes you bother?

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 01:10

And getting mildly annoyed at someone when you haven't got it in you at that minute to take on anyone else's problems (normal IMO) is a whole world away from someone getting 'very angry'.

Where does that come from do you think?

Are there other areas this grinding you under his boot happens in?

Joysmum · 23/11/2013 01:22

I don't see it as any big deal. He wanted to be quiet, you were the one who pushed it. Tbh if that's how he likes to deal with a bad day you should know that.

Personally, I get grumpy as hell and hubby has to brave that to give me a big hug.

Hubby on the other hand, he likes to go upstairs, spend a while on the loo and then find a cat to hug. He'll come down when he's relaxed a bit.

We all do better being treated differently in different situations and it's no biggy.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 23/11/2013 01:33

I can see why you'd ask TBH. I mean aside from being married and caring about the welfare of the person you love, if you are a SAHM then your whole way of life depends on his job.

If he is consistently moody then you'd be right to be concerned. Is he worried about losing his job? Is he in trouble at work? All normal thoughts that normal people tend to share.

Does he really want to be left alone, or is it a passive aggressive way of attracting attention?

You could try two ways of dealing with it:

A) Had a bad day at work? Just answer yes or no to two questions for me - should I be worried? Are you going to lose your job? No, okay well I don't want to hear any more about it then.

B) Are you in a mood this evening? Well I feel great and I don't want you to drag me into a downer, so I'm going to go eat my dinner on a tray infront if the tv and watch a comedy.

Either bring it to his attention that you won't tolerate it, or ignore his behaviour as you would a child.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 23/11/2013 01:35

That's only if he is exhibiting passive aggressive behaviour btw. Not asking you to treat your DH like a child on a daily basis.

Caitlin17 · 23/11/2013 02:15

I don't understand letting work problems ruin the time you're not at work. I have a very stressful job, I often get home later than my husband. I don't however ruin his evening or mine by taking the cares of the day home.

I also don't have a great deal of sympathy for people having a hard time at home using it as an excuse not to get on with their work.

If one of them, whether work or home is crap why let that spoil the other?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 23/11/2013 03:29

He didn't want to talk about work, you pushed it - why? When I was in a job I hated, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin my time at home talking about it! Why not ask him what he fancies doing over the weekend or tell him about your day/the kids? Or just 'be together' watching a film or whatever.

On the other hand, if he's always an arse about everything and doesn't care how you feel about anything then you need to ask yourself why you are with him.

PassTheSherry · 23/11/2013 03:42

I'm quite surprised that some people think you're over reacting.

He can't separate work issues with his home life, and uses you as an emotional punching bag. You "tread carefully" around him while he gives you "both barrels" when you merely ask him what's wrong.

He then follows me in to kitchen shouting if I'm upset it's my own fault because I should notice when he is in a bad mood and know not to speak to him.

Wtf? Your fault? How about he takes some responsibiltiy for his bad moods and inability to switch off from work - instead of lashing out at you? How about realising that whatever hard time he's had, it's not your fault? How about, if he doesn't want to be spoken to - perhaps he could take himself to another room instead of inflicting his misery on you for hours, and expecting you to adjust your behaviour around it?

OP you're not there to be his emotional punching bag. At the moment, yes he does sound like a tw@t...

mrsspagbol · 23/11/2013 05:10

YY to what Passthesherry said

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