To think I am married to a total tw@t?

[wandymum]

So he comes home this evening. Always works late, always grumpy after a long day at work.

Tonight no exception. I tread carefully. After supper we sit down together on sofa. I ask how work was. He gives dismissive response. I ask for more detail (i'm no Paxman just asked generally what was wrong) and get both barrels so leave him to it.

He then follows me in to kitchen shouting if I'm upset it's my own fault because I should notice when he is in a bad mood and know not to speak to him.

I told him to feck off in no uncertain terms.

Is it unreasonable to expect that if he comes home in such a wozzie that he can't deal with polite conversation he shouldn't come home at all?

Agree with PassTheSherry but I also know when I come home from work I just want a little bit of time to unwind and process the day - half an hour say? Then I am ready to be social and friendly and chat although TBH I don't really want to talk about work as I've left it behind and want to just talk about home stuff.

My ex partner worked from home and didn't understand that I needed a little bit of unwind time and it made me feel smothered and then I could get snappy with him. He obviously craved company and conversation but I wasn't in a position to do that immediately. I'm not saying, OP this is your situation at all but I wonder if just giving DH half an hour where you don't chat to him and leave him to his own devices every evening for a week might take some of the pressure off? Do it as an experiment.

However, if he continues to behave like a twat then that's what he is and you might want to consider how you go from there.

Xena, it was already an hour and a half after he'd got in. He'd had plenty of time to wind down.

He does sound like a twat

Posted too soon.

He does sound like a twat I'm afraid wandy.

I agree with what Passthesherry said.

We're all entitled to have a bad day, but taking it out on our partners is crap.

To do it regularly is unacceptable.

To follow our partner shouting AT them and BLAMING them? Beyond wrong.

I too agree with Pass, it's way past wrong, and he is behaving like a twat.

You need to give this guy a warning love. He does that again he'll have to look for a crappy bedsit to go and shout at himself in.

The prick.

sounds like he's an unpleasant man and you should be quietly planning your escape.

Totally agree with pass the sherry. I lived like this, walking on eggshells every night, and it is no way to live.

How the fuck do people live like this?? Why do people live like this? Shouting, blaming, aggression, swearing at each other and name-calling... I just don't get it.

No way are you over reacting, and yes, he is a total twat.

It's ok to want space when you are stressed/in a mood. It's not ok to make other people responsible for that and take it out on them when they act in a perfectly normal manner ie. asking about your day. If he feels like that, he should wind down somehow - go for a run, have a bath, whatever.

He won't do that though, because he seems to think his are the only feelings that matter.

I couldn't go through life walking on eggshells because my partner acted like a sulky child tbh.

As for it being a man thing! No, it's a wanker thing. What a depressing way to live.

Yanbu. He sounds like an ignoramous. It made me sad when you said you look forward to him getting home, and then he treats you like that . If he has had a shit day he should want to talk to you and take comfort from his home life, not take his frustrations out on you. I think you're owed an apology.

Another ass that I am reading about on MN...

I'm sorry.

There is NO way he should be treating you like that especially after a very generous 'down-time'.

In fact, I don't see any reason to come in in a bad mood at all!

YANBU.

Yes, a twat!

It's not your fault and you deserve better!

I definitely need a bit of decompression time when I get in from a rough day at work, but if it was frequent, or if I was being aggressive about it, it would be time for a long hard think about whether my job was really worth that.

Can you have a proper talk with him over the weekend, when he's more relaxed (absolutely not when either of you has been drinking). Try to understand why he is working late (assuming he's working beyond his conditioned hours rather than accruing flexi leave or something), what he thinks is reasonable when he gets in from work. If he drives to work, could he use public transport... Might take a bit longer, but is often less stressful.

If he gets in in a shitty mood, it's up to him to keep it out of your way: go have a long shower, or a lie-down, or a run or something. No way should you be creeping about in your own home. But you need to put that to him when he's calm. You also need to make him understand that you are entitled to as much off-duty timesaver he is. If him working late, then needing an hour and a half to himself while you're still in charge of house and kids leaves YOU no time to relax, then he needs to fix it... Even if that means a change of job for one or both of you.

Time as. Not timesaver.

My exh was like this.

He's now ex. Hope this is the only way he treats you like this and doesn't demean you in other ways too and that he's prepared to work on his behaviour.

It makes you feel like shit, doesn't it?

An hour an a half? Not a chance would I accept this. I get needing some time to unwind, but an hour and a half is taking the piss. What would he do if you threw the kids at him as soon as he came in the door and took yourself off for an hour and a half?

I agree, your husband is a twat, sorry.

It's a man thing??? Men get to be twats and ruin the whole evening because they have a penis?!?!!!!

No. Just no.

Tell him to grow up or get out.

Normal loving husbands and partners do not behave like this.

If work has been shit that day a rant about it is fine but not taking it out on your OH.

YADNBU

I don't think you're overreacting - far from it. I suspect those who do think that, similarly get spoken to like shit by their partners, and so think it's all fine.

What sort of rude, self entitled arsehole do you have to be to turn on someone so readily, and then to continue berating them while telling them it is their fault that you are behaving like that?

It's completely unacceptable. Of course it is. Don't be his scapegoat!!

Agree, as regular behaviour - you've said this is not a one off - this is selfish and horrible. What makes you think the relationship is worth working on - what are his good points?

YANBU, he's a twat.

I agree with Tee, it's not 'a man thing'! It's a twat thing.

You only need to ask yourself two questions

What do you personally get out of this relationship, obviously putting aside him being the father of your kids?

Will/is he likely to change his behaviour if it's genuinely upsetting you

Once you answer those questions for yourself you have the power to decide what to do next

Wandymum I think its a man thing. Well has been from the men I know. They cant not affect the household if they are in a bad mood u have to treat eggshells/counsel etc. When I have a bad day I just get on with it as do most of the women I know.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Do not listen to that sort of self diminishing, men-are-King rubbish please!

If she wants to spend her life treading on eggshells and soothing her master's brow, then let her.
Don't you be so daft though.

Do your DC have to 'tread carefully' too?