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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick - cast your vote please! (DH related)

56 replies

TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:27

Today is our wedding anniversary. Last year he got me nothing, not even a card (we had only been married 2 years - he said he thought that he 'would have stooped by then').

I got very upset and he has said since he realises it is a bigger deal to me to be demonstrative. He has had to work tonight, but I got home about an hour ago to find a really shitty card (you know - the really cheapy garage type ones) just left on the side.

So:

A) I am being a spoilt brat, I got what I wanted and I should stop whining

B) That's a bit shit.

TIA!

OP posts:
VeniceQueen · 13/11/2013 20:30

Today is my wedding anniversary as well.

I have had nothing of my DH and I have bought him nothing either. We have been out for tea with the DC instead so not very romantic Smile

However, we have been married 14 years if that makes a difference Grin

Iamsparklyknickers · 13/11/2013 20:31

A little from A and a little from B.

It sounds to me like this really isn't something that he's thought about as much as you but is trying.

What's he like about your birthday and what did you get him?

If you'd bought him a plush card and fancy present last year, I would personally expect him to have picked up on the level of importance this year - if not, well you're the one setting the expectation, I wouldn't expect him to do anything over what you'd done simply because that's all he's got to go on......

dexter73 · 13/11/2013 20:31

I would go for A but not quite as harsh!

Tee2072 · 13/11/2013 20:32

Cool name. Grin

It's a bit shit. But it also what you asked for.

He obviously needs precise instructions.

Mattissy · 13/11/2013 20:33

Hmmm, not sure. Dh and I don't really bother, sometimes we remember, sometimes we forget, lol. We're generally loving and thoughtful though.

However, if nice card would make you happy and he knows this, he should make the effort. I think if only be bothered if he never makes an effort at all.

Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:33

Tee I just spat my tea out at that, thank you for making me laugh.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/11/2013 20:33

What did he write in the card?

Tee2072 · 13/11/2013 20:35

You're welcome Tee.

This could get confusing...

Yama · 13/11/2013 20:36

We don't bother. More important to be nice every day of the year. Is he nice every day of the year?

Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:37

Line that he 'sends his love'

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 13/11/2013 20:43

Maybe rather than stressing over him getting you something nice, you plan together to have a nice evening out or get a gift together that you both will enjoy. Then you can enjoy planning it together and there's no pressure.

puntasticusername · 13/11/2013 20:43

Ha. Sounds as if he's trying, give him credit for that Smile

The comparable situation here would be for DH to announce that I must show him my love by buying him an Xbox game. I wouldn't have an effing clue. I am vaguely aware that he plays such things. I can name a few of them. But I can't keep track of the eight million versions of FIFA, GTA etc to know what he's got and what he hasn't, or which are the ones he's going to like. It's not a matter of not caring, it's just that the relevant information doesn't sink into my brain by itself.

You get the point I'm sure Grin

LineRunner · 13/11/2013 20:45

Well, then, it's a bit shit, really. You are going to have to be much more specific, as others have said.

Ask for a posh card with proper original words inside, if that's what you really want.

DoJo · 13/11/2013 20:46

Ouch - that is a bit rubbish, but is he like this with every occasion? Some people clam up when it comes to cards, but if he is kind and loving in every other way you might have to accept that anniversaries aren't his thing.

Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:47

Punt to be fair to me, I have never said that 'he must show his love by...' Just that I was hurt that he didn't remember.

I think using your analogy it would be a bit like you getting him Animal Crossing or something - Not The Right Thing At All!

But yes, he has tried, you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:48

Line i might just get my own card.

I could start writing it now - 'Dear me, you are the best thing...'

Job done Grin

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 13/11/2013 20:55

That's the spirit!

I would be sort of upset too, so I can understand.

My brother and sister in law, on the other hand, never remember. I IMed my brother this year to wish him a happy anniversary and my SIL told me later that after we got off IM he called her to remind her! They've been married for 22 years, I think it is.

puntasticusername · 13/11/2013 20:55

TeeMany sorry, that was probably poor phrasing on my part. I just meant to express that this is a challenge and it Means Something to you, but the other party is in totally uncharted territory and likely suffering accordingly.

(unless he's doing that thing where people deliberately do stuff badly so they don't get asked again. In which case, a swift elbow to the throat seems indicated).

I might get DH Pokemon for Xmas, just for the look on his face.

Bowlersarm · 13/11/2013 20:57

A!

Cards are clearly not his thing.

Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 21:00

Punt only if you film it and send it to Sainsbury's for their next Christmas advert.

You could say 'oh but the lady in the shop said EVERYONE loves this game' and then look sad and weepy.

Tee It would be SO much easier if I didn't care. He is lovely the rest of the time - I will try and remember that and not look at the hideous roses card staring at me

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 13/11/2013 21:04

B I think, but not his fault.

DH knows the main rule is that the card can't have come from the supermarket or garage the day before.

There are other supplementary rules like no fucking teddy bears but that's the main one.

cornflakegirl · 13/11/2013 21:04

B) He knows it's important to you but hasn't really made an effort. Quite shit. But if he shows you he loves you the rest of the year, maybe adjust your expectations. I've been with DH 14 years, and can count the number of times he's bought me flowers on one hand. I told him I wanted flowers - still didn't happen. But he is great is most other regards, so I accept that one flaw.

flashheartscanoe · 13/11/2013 21:06

I've been married many years.
We dont do annviversaries I'm afraid but I do care about valentines. I've learned over the years how its done. You need to be specific-
'I would like flowers please and some chocolate please. Good flowers not rubbish garage ones and nice chocolate, not thorntons.'
ask properly and specifically and you get what you want/need. He wants to make you happy so help him. If he still ignores you when youve been specific then is time to throw the toys from the pram I'm afraid.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 13/11/2013 21:06

Aaaw bless.
Happy Anniversary.

OH never gets me anything but he shows his love in other ways that count a lot and that's what I go on.

If you know he loves you, a card doesn't really matter all that much does it.
Tell him from now on he has to go out with a fiver in his hot little hand and get you something with that which will show his feeling for you.

He might come back with something nice to put in your bathwater, just don't blame me if he gets you a cactus Grin

Original poster
TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 21:07

cornflake girl my DH is EXACTLY the same with flowers. I don't drop hints - I'm not that subtle Grin but 'I would like more flowers' doesn't work. I have given up`! I do think he cares, I just think he doesn't get it.

It has taken me a long time to realise this!

Thanks everyone

(Is it ok to be slightly pleased that I seem to have survived my first AIBU? I sort of want to add it to my CV).

OP posts: