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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Quick - cast your vote please! (DH related)

56 replies

TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 20:27

Today is our wedding anniversary. Last year he got me nothing, not even a card (we had only been married 2 years - he said he thought that he 'would have stooped by then').

I got very upset and he has said since he realises it is a bigger deal to me to be demonstrative. He has had to work tonight, but I got home about an hour ago to find a really shitty card (you know - the really cheapy garage type ones) just left on the side.

So:

A) I am being a spoilt brat, I got what I wanted and I should stop whining

B) That's a bit shit.

TIA!

OP posts:

Iamsparklyknickers · 13/11/2013 21:10

Tee I'm dying to know what you got him

Is there any chance he's sitting at work squirming over the blatant difference in the quality of card?

Me and DP never seem to quite match up when it comes to these things. I couldn't give a flying shit about valentines, but he makes a massive thing about it . This year I put a load of effort in because he's been working away and I've missed him and he did precisely fuck all! I could hear the blush down the phone

Original poster

TeeManyMartoonis · 13/11/2013 21:16

I am I got him a nice card, his favourite cookies, there is a bottle of fizz in the fridge and I bought us an ornament for Christmas (sentimental value - he will understand!)

Not loads of money nor loads of time - but just a bit of effort.

LOL at hearing the blush!

OP posts:

Jinsei · 13/11/2013 21:19

Meh, it's a bit shit, but not worth getting annoyed over IMO. As far as he's concerned, he's given you a card, and he won't have a clue as to what's wrong with a garage card! In fact, I doubt he'd really get that even if you tried to explain.

DH and I don't make a big deal out of our anniversaries, mainly because he's crap at that sort of stuff and I gave up years ago! He's good in other ways, and I decided long ago not to sweat the small stuff.

puntasticusername · 13/11/2013 21:20

TeeMany I might just do that. I'm due to be either 40 weeks pg on Xmas Day, or in possession of a newborn. I will give him his gift and then stare him down with a "just you dare tell me I'm not doing enough right now" thousand yard glare, mru ha ha ha ha.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 13/11/2013 21:21

I read this wierd book about love languages one time. Is it something like that? How does he show love? Does he like gifts himself? If he doesn't like cards it may not be something he cares about so doesn't understand why you like it. Also some people put more significance on dates than others.
So basically is he loving and just doesn't get the anniversary thing, or is he selfish and not very loving in general.
If he is generally loving you could take over the anniversary side by arranging a nice outing on that day so it is something nice you do together. You could buy yourself nice outfit for it if you can afford it.
If generally not caring etc then you know what to do.

Jinsei · 13/11/2013 21:24

Is there any chance he's sitting at work squirming over the blatant difference in the quality of card?

Not a chance! He won't know the difference!

Topseyt · 13/11/2013 21:28

I've been married 20 years and can't say we have ever really done anniversaries.

We'll probably have a bit of a bash when our 25th comes around, as many people like to make a bit of a fuss of the silver. In fact, silver and gold (50 years) are the only ones I ever remember my own parents celebrating. The rest they ignored or remembered several days late.

He's trying, which is more than either of us do. Give him credit. Enjoy your bottle of bubbly or a bottle of wine and a nice meal or something.

steppemum · 13/11/2013 21:32

my dh is a bit rubbish at getting presents/cards right.

But he always writes lovely things inside them and makes a big deal of our anniversary.

We plan what we will do together, as I know that then we will both be happy.

14 years, I know what to expect and not to expect, but it certainly is worth celebrating, so we always do (even manage to loose the kids for the night this year!)

ModreB · 13/11/2013 21:38

DH and I married on his birthday. So that he would remember the anniversary. He always does.

Every year, I remember his birthday, but also forget that it is also our anniversary.

We have been married 25 years.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/11/2013 21:41

We got married after ten years together. Our first anniversary was discussed, what would we do, where would we go, two days after we had both forgotten it! We celebrated 20 years this year. We got each other a card. As far as we're concerned, we're still together, we're still happy, we're still happy together, what the hell difference does a date make. Having said that, if he forgets my birthday, there'll be trouble!

Iamsparklyknickers · 13/11/2013 21:49

Ha Jinsei you're probably right!

Tee I fear you may have one that falls into the category I do - buying my DP 'something meaningful' would result in a Star Bar and a Double Decker because I know he likes them. Might let him choose which film to watch as well.....MIGHT.

I think you're better off training him for gifts that he can purchase with a debit card

trice · 13/11/2013 21:51

I hate cards so I would be dismayed to receive one. On our anniversary we have a nice meal together and hot sex. Or drunk sex. One or the other. It's something we both enjoy. Couldn't care less about gifts or flowers.

Iamsparklyknickers · 13/11/2013 21:51

Oh and I was gutted when Tom Clancy died. Obviously because he was a great man, but he always had a new book out around DP's birthday. That's had my present sorted for over a decade - what do I do now?!?

Lilacroses · 13/11/2013 21:52

I'm really into being demonstrative and generous but not particularly bothered about Anniversaries tbh but if I knew it was a big thing to dp then I'd definitely make an effort.

Joysmum · 13/11/2013 22:01

We aren't that fussed about wedding anniversaries or valentines because we are a very romantic and demonstrative couple all the time so don't need set days to remind us.

Btw, we've been together 19 years and I find it a bit sad that it seems to be the general consensus that being together longer means it's not as important or somehow the love a passion has gone.

Jinsei · 13/11/2013 22:57

Btw, we've been together 19 years and I find it a bit sad that it seems to be the general consensus that being together longer means it's not as important or somehow the love a passion has gone.

I don't think it means that the love/passion has gone, just that the anniversary date is no longer that important as you begin to realise that it's the day to day stuff that really matters - not grand gestures once a year.

edamsavestheday · 13/11/2013 23:11

Aw, poor you. I think that is a bit rubbish tbh. I don't go in for major fuss re. anniversaries but getting a nice card doesn't take that much effort.

HarpyFishwifeTwat · 13/11/2013 23:21

It's a bit rubbish but not horribly bad. Is he kind and generous in other ways?

My birthday is a couple of days after Christmas and I had to strop to get a birthday card on time as before Christmas he never thought about it and after he didn't have enough time. This year was our 10th anniversary - he bought my card in a local cheapie shop at 10pm the night before the anniversary, left it in the car without writing it and then went away the next day to work for a week. I've just come to accept that he is rubbish where cards are concerned but makes up for it in other ways.

lessonsintightropes · 13/11/2013 23:33

We've been together six years, married one. We don't do presents for anniversaries and don't intend on doing both! Our proper anniversary is of when we got together, and we usually have a nice meal or night away, and exchange cards but not pressies. Don't do pressies for Valentines either or together with Christmas and birthdays it'd be four times a year which seems massively excessive. I would be a bit sad if I didn't get a card, but if you mark it some other way (like having a nice meal) then it is a lovely thing. You can also overcome his lack of remembrance of presents by cooking for you both and having a romantic night together - far nicer and more meaningful than some piece of tat card (and I agree that would get on my nerves!) Maybe making dinner would be nice? Could you celebrate it the nearest weekend (i.e. this one) and therefore wash out the nasty card thing?

lessonsintightropes · 13/11/2013 23:37

And Harpy mine's on the 28th and have had a life-long complex about one joint present rather than my own day (well until I was mid-teens ) DH has always been really nice about making it 'different' from Christmas which always gets lost in the rush of four parents, 14 siblings/in-law siblings and 5 nephew/neices - so a lovely busy time, birthdays are just for the two of us.

OralB · 13/11/2013 23:45

I would say B.

I learned a long time ago after a disappointed birthday present, that my Dp needs to be told exactly what I want as he won't think "I'll get this to make her really happy". He panics about what I would like and end up getting something i definitely would did not like!!

Let him know what you expect for anniversaries and I'm sure he'll step up next year. You have many more anniversaries to come.

NoComet · 13/11/2013 23:45

If DH got me a card/present without prompting that would be great, but it rarely happens (25 birthdays, Valentines, Christmases and 23 Wedding anniversaries is enough to know he won't improve).

We met as students, so petrol station, supermarket flowers are fine. We've never done grand gestures.

Just reliably remembering would be so nice, but he doesn't get it and never will.

It's my birthday next week and despite my DSIS visiting, he'll still 'forget'.

Ie he knows, his computer will bleep several times, but he will get flustered and tense and go into man being to busy to sort birthday mode.

Flowers and chocolates or a bottle of champagne from any of the three supermarkets he passes on his way home would do fine.

But OP 'Tis beyond the tiny male brain.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/11/2013 23:52

It's shit.

Find his cash/credit card and have yourself sent a proper bouquet of flowers. Spend enough to make it sting a bit so he'll remember to do something decent for you himself next year.

It's not a choice between nice gifts occasionally or being good to each other every day - there's no reason why you can't have both.

Hermione123 · 14/11/2013 08:21

Next year, make a big deal about making dinner plans or telling him you are cooking a fancy dinner at home a few days before, take him shopping for bits to celebrate your anniversary together. It took dh at least 5 years to realise that these things mattered to me and now (15 years together) we make the effort. Get your wedding photos out tonight op and treat him to a teary trip down memory lane :)

Dobbiesmum · 14/11/2013 08:25

Not sure tbh, but me & DH don't really do anniversaries and spent ours last week taking turns to a) throw up in the loo or b) sort out one of 3 vomiting children so this year didn't really happen anyway
I think you need to decide to either do it properly or not bother at all, it saves potential disappointment.
Happy anniversary

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