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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not entertain inlaws at ours

75 replies

Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 18:45

We have lived with inlaws for 3 years saving for a house. They have been amazing in terms of letting us live there and giving us help towards a deposit. Thing is they are alcoholics and my DH finds them inherently upsetting. We dont really get on.

Now we have our own place we are stuck with feeling like they should come over (Mil invites herself over frequently) and a big desire to just have our own space finally.

How often is acceptable to have parents round? sigh

OP posts:
dyslexicdespot · 04/11/2013 19:04

Well, unless you are able and willing to pay back the deposit and rent for the last three years- I think you will have to suck it up.

Hercy · 04/11/2013 19:06

If you don't get on, why would you live with them for 3 years? I know you were saving, but that's a long time to live with people you don't like. I think you should be hospitable and repay their generosity for letting you live in their house rent free for 3 years and giving you money towards your own home.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 19:08

Are they asking to come and live with you or just visit from time to time?

My feeling is that if you were able to tolerate them full time when it was their space and you stood to gain from it, then you should be able to tolerate them from time to time chez vous.

Am I missing something?

phantomnamechanger · 04/11/2013 19:10

drop hints - next time she just turns up, say you are just about to go out or have friends coming over , next time she asks can she come on X day,say "sorry can we make it next week as we have something on that day"

a visit once a fortnight is reasonable IMO, once a week if youre feeling generous and they behave well!

Justforlaughs · 04/11/2013 19:10

YABVVVVVU! I don't get on with my Mil and completely understand why someone would not want to entertain their in-laws, but you've just lived off of them for 3 years! I won't eat tea at mine! They can't be that bad if you've survived that long living together (either myself or my Mil would be under the patio within a week!) and they deserve to be made welcome in your house.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 19:12

a visit once a fortnight is reasonable IMO, once a week if you're feeling generous and they behave well!

Lucky for OP her ILs didn't hold the same view isn't it?

WhoNickedMyName · 04/11/2013 19:13

I guess if they were good enough to live with for 3 years because it benefitted you, then they can't be that bad can they?

You could try inviting them over for dinner or whatever, say once a week, and then at other times when they invite themselves, answer the door with your coat on and say you were just in your way out.

CoffeeTea103 · 04/11/2013 19:14

So the last 3 years you tolerated her for your own purpose? They don't really seem that bad compared to you now.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 19:19

I always get worried when I am desperately outraged at an opening post that I might have been had, but here goes:

How often is acceptable to have parents round? sigh

could be countered with: how long is acceptable to have your bloody ungrateful son and dil live with you before you finally snap and pay over the odds to get them out from under your feet sigh (and then feel you might have been a bit harsh so try to visit them to show no hard feelings)

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2013 19:20

Now we have our own place we are stuck with feeling like they should come over That is your conscience. I don't want my FIL around all the time. I most certainly wouldn't have lived with him for five minutes three years.

pictish · 04/11/2013 19:23

How often is mil inviting herself over?

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 19:25

I lived with my ex mil for 15 years - because of the feckless twat I married not wanting to move out so I was stuck. It was supposed to be for a year whilst we he drank every last penny saved for our own place.

I don't imagine for one second that the OP has been 'living off' her pil. I'd imagine there was money going towards bills and food.

It is the OP's home now they have moved out. I'd say once a week was plenty.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 19:33

I don't imagine for one second that the OP has been 'living off' her pil. I'd imagine there was money going towards bills and food

They were saving money that they would otherwise have had to spend on rent, like most adults. Not saying they weren't welcome, but I'd pretty much describe that as 'living off', and I should damn well hope they were paying for their own food and share of the utilities.

Having said all that, once a week sounds reasonable to me, too, but it's the OP's attitude that is a little hard to swallow.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/11/2013 19:35

YABU

You Are Being Ungrateful.

MissBeehiving · 04/11/2013 19:38

If you've lived with them for three years, they can't be that offensive can they?

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 04/11/2013 19:38

oh, sounds like you have just been using them.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 04/11/2013 19:43

You and your partner are taking the piss!

You have your own home now yet resent his parents coming round and blame alcohol addiction for your reticence?

Not serious enough though when you needed their support and happy to live in their house?

Once or twice a week would suffice without the nasty undertone you've set on your op.

CrapBag · 04/11/2013 19:48

How often do they visit? If their own son is annoyed with them then they must be annoying.

They could be popping over twice a day for all we know and everyone has said that you are being ungrateful, no one would want that much intrusion into their lives, no matter how helpful people had been.

Also, is it a case of 'we helped you out, therefore we have the right to treat your new home as an extension of ours' because you WNBU.

Sunnysummer · 04/11/2013 19:54

So you could stick it out for three years when it benefitted you financially but not manage an occasional dinner now?

YABVVVU.

If the alcohol is the problem can you try drink-free weekend brunches? Dry lunches at home or in the park? In any case, though, I think you need to suck it up, or consider paying back rent for the last 3 years.

Original poster
Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 21:46

I'm an unreasonable OP. No money towards food or rent or utilities. They are not awful.....they just upset us sometimes.

She hints at coming round...doesn't just come round.

Really appreciate all the replies.....Not passive aggressive there, actually do. I think its good to hear the truth. We are spoilt and can be selfish.

OP posts:
MissBeehiving · 04/11/2013 21:48

Buddha - you didn't pay anything towards food/utilities for three years? Shock

You really do need a kick up the bum in the nicest possible way.

gamerchick · 04/11/2013 21:50

Man suck it up... invite them round for a meal. Make them feel welcome.. They did you a huge favour.

As time goes on things will settle.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 21:52

Well your follow up post does you credi.....but how could you possibly not have worked it out for yourself???

Gilt-edged invitation for champagne dinner....now!!!

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 21:53

credit

paxtecum · 04/11/2013 21:53

Goodness Buddhagirl, your ILS are incredibly generous.
I have to ask: did you do any cleaning, ironing and laundry in the three years.
Also did you save like mad or piss some up the wall on new clothes and holidays?

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