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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not entertain inlaws at ours

75 replies

Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 18:45

We have lived with inlaws for 3 years saving for a house. They have been amazing in terms of letting us live there and giving us help towards a deposit. Thing is they are alcoholics and my DH finds them inherently upsetting. We dont really get on.

Now we have our own place we are stuck with feeling like they should come over (Mil invites herself over frequently) and a big desire to just have our own space finally.

How often is acceptable to have parents round? sigh

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 04/11/2013 21:53

Well, unless you are able and willing to pay back the deposit and rent for the last three years- I think you will have to suck it up

I don't agree. Helping someone doesn't mean you have the right to intrude on someone's live until the debt is paid off.

I do think they were very nice letting them stay, but that was their decision. I lived with my mil for a year before we got out place. But I would HATE this.

Bowlersarm · 04/11/2013 21:53

YAB so U

You've used their hospitality as a means to your own selfish end, and there not welcome in your house?

They've put up with you for three years and behaved generously, and you don't even want to let them visit you?

You are very spoilt, and are being incredibly self centred and horrible.

ladyrainy · 04/11/2013 21:54

Wow - they've really helped you out Shock
you need to invite them round for a nice meal to thank them
They can't have been that bad if you were able to live with them for 3 years!

HansieMom · 04/11/2013 21:55

Would YOU let someone live with you free for three years? You pay for all the food, you pay for the hot water for their showers, your laundry room is theirs to use, you pay the mortgage, the taxes. Please tell me you two at least mowed the yard, did all the housework, and did the cooking???

But I bet not.

2rebecca · 04/11/2013 21:58

I'd probably onlysee them every 2 or 3 weeks but I'm fairly busy and like my own space. I wouldn't have lived with someone I disliked for 3 years though. I don't think that means you don't have a right to any privacy but it does make it hard to understand why they are so unbearable now if they weren't then. Get a busy life and then you genuinely won't be around fr them to visit. If you didn't want to see them that much you should have moved further away.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 21:59

If you didn't want to see them that much you should have moved further away

And not freeloaded off them in their house for three years in the first place.

Original poster
Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 22:01

Twice a month gilt-edged invitation for champagne drenched dinner?? So I don't have to deal with miserable DH after every visit because they were neglectful/alcoholic/yet feeling guilty and rich parents?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 22:02

They do come round!! Just not more every two weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 22:03

than*

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 04/11/2013 22:05

I don't think you need to have them over more frequently than fortnightly, if that's what you're asking.

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2013 22:05

You lived with them for three years, and now you've got your own place you don't want to have them round??? Hmm Hmm Hmm
You make the point that their alcoholism makes your dh feel uncomfortable; why the hell did you leech off them for three years?

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:06

Sorry the champagne bit was insensitive and wrong.

Can you really not see that you owe them big time? And if they were really that unbearable you should never have sponged off them to the extent you did.

From what you say, no one, least of all me, is suggesting the whole mi casa su casa deal (though, again, you were happy enough to accept that in reverse), just that you extend the occasional UNBEGRUDGING invite to a space you could not have afforded without them.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:12

You make the point that their alcoholism makes your dh feel uncomfortable; why the hell did you leech off them for three years?

Exactly: how uncomfortable did it make him feel when he was there full time?

I am sorry, if this is real I am hopping mad. And it raisesd a question in my mind (not specific to you OP, but something Strump said made me think of it as well). It seems to be a piece of received wisdom on this forum that the older generation carve the company of their children, more than the other way round. SINCE WHEN??? Now that my DC are adults I love them as dearly as I ever did but Mr Gain and I have our own busy lives to lead and would rather stick pins in our eyes than to visit with them more than every couple of weeks or so, and as for having them live with us, that ain't never going to happen.

And....relax

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:13

Older generation crave the company Blush

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 22:17

Well that puts a different spin on things. Hmm

You didn't give them a penny? And they visit twice a month?

Put up and shut up.

CeliaLytton · 04/11/2013 22:21

Can I call reverse?

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 22:21

Staying at theirs for however long, however much it cost, doesn't give them any rights over you at all.

Presumably they were happy to have you there or they would have kicked you out.

They haven't bought you and you don't owe them anything, it's just a straight 'do I want them round?...uh...No' decision.

To say otherwise means you have to obey anyone who gives you anything.

Yeah, right Grin

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 22:22

Although saying that, I couldn't live with anyone for any amount of time without contributing some cash.

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:23

Call me dense Agent but may I assume you are being a little ironic here? (It's just that I have read a lot of your posts and this doesn't seem to be your style Smile)

Celia I must admit I wondered....

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:25

On the unlikely assumption that you ^are6 being serious Agent:

To say otherwise means you have to obey anyone who gives you anything.

no no no no no! It means that you have a proper sense of gratitude, surely?

Beccagain · 04/11/2013 22:26

are

FFS!!!

Unexpected · 04/11/2013 22:40

So OP, how did your dh stifle his dislike of his parents sufficiently to live with them rent-free for three years? Did not contributing anything at all to the family budget make him feel better somehow about all his pent-up grievances?

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 22:43

Ooh, have I got a style? Grin

Is it a fancy one? Grin

I'm serious though, the giving of cash (in whatever form) doesn't mean obedience should be expected.

I'd be the same as you and be very grateful, but once that strays over the boundary into them thinking they have rights over you and there are strings attached forevermore, it's manipulation.

I don't like manipulation, or people who think you should do as your told.

What the OP's said about them making a routine visit doesn't sound too bad, it's not as though they're dropping round unannounced every five minutes, and they only hint, which the OP can say no to.

It's the replies saying that because they've leeched off them they have to have them round that's riled me a bit.

landrover · 04/11/2013 23:08

Im guessing that this is a reverse AIBU? At least I hope so x

BlingBang · 04/11/2013 23:22

No they don't have to have them round, it is a free world. But to suddenly be so precious about their own home and time and grudge a few visits a month really doesn't make the OP and her husband look very good.

And did you help with the cooking or cleaning etc? Don't leave us hanging.

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