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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not entertain inlaws at ours

75 replies

Buddhagirl · 04/11/2013 18:45

We have lived with inlaws for 3 years saving for a house. They have been amazing in terms of letting us live there and giving us help towards a deposit. Thing is they are alcoholics and my DH finds them inherently upsetting. We dont really get on.

Now we have our own place we are stuck with feeling like they should come over (Mil invites herself over frequently) and a big desire to just have our own space finally.

How often is acceptable to have parents round? sigh

OP posts:

APartridgeAmongThePigeons · 05/11/2013 03:05

We'll Dh handled their alcoholism for 3 years... I think hell survive seeing once or twice a fortnight

Beccagain · 05/11/2013 08:04

Hi Agent....yes it's a good one: fancy schmancy doesn't begin to cover it

Yes I think I do agree with you on the whole about not buying people off, but in this case it sounds to me like the OP and her DP are the 'entitled' ones!!

Funny old world!

I think BlingBlang has hit it right on the head!

mitchsta · 05/11/2013 10:04

She hints at coming round but you don't invite her even though she put up with you put you up for 3 years?! YABU. Surely a short visit is going to be a breeze compared to the 3 years you lived together?

I don't understand why people are talking about intruding / obeying / owing - of course the past 3 years shouldn't mean OP has an obligation to host them, but I hardly think that the odd meal or whatever once in a while should be a struggle. Don't most people spend time with their parents even when they move out? I really don't think it's too much to ask.

OP - you don't need to host them a specific number of times per month or whatever - it doesn't need to be a rigid arrangement. How about something like: "We're not doing anything next weekend, shall we if your parents fancy coming round for lunch?" Keep it casual.

AgentZigzag · 05/11/2013 14:27

Becca, y'charmer.

Who knows why spending time with them is suddenly a problem, what it was like when they were there, whether the alcoholism has developed recently into a problem, or whether there was a lack of options to move anywhere else (doubtful though, there's usually somewhere).

But like you've just said mitchsta, you don't know why anyone's mentioned intruding/obeying/owing/obligation, but then go on to say they should do just that and it shouldn't be a struggle.

Surely it must be a struggle or the OP wouldn't have posted, lots of people don't spend time with people they're not keen on, even when they're their parents.

If OP was to ring them up and ask them round to lunch, she'd being doing it because she had to, not because she valued the time she/her DH spends with them.

I'd forgotten about it when I posted yesterday, but we were given some money as a Christmas present, it was quite a bit as they'd had a windfall. We disagreed with them about something about two years after and the money was brought up in a 'we gave you that money and this is how you repay us...'. Yeah, you're right, how could we forget that you'd bought our obedience

gemmal88 · 05/11/2013 17:56

YABU.

We lived with OH's parents for a while last year, in fact I took DD to my parents after a massive row with FIL in another country for 3 months but we still have them over. We would have been homeless if it wasn't for them so it would be a bit rich to chuck it back in their faces when they were good to us.

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 05/11/2013 20:41

Not reverse. I reckon twice a month is fine. We have nothing to say to each other and the last three years have been horrendous. DH had no job so we decided to stay here than claim benefits.

I did no cleaning or cooking, but she would not let me. She would not take any money. They are so kind, its def us being twats.

Maybe it will be okay when we are not in each others pockets all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 05/11/2013 20:42

There

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 05/11/2013 20:48

I would say you invite them once a fortnight.

Do you live close enough to offer to pop round after having been somewhere for a coffee? Bring them cake. If you go there, you have then control on the length of visit, particularly if you say it's 'popping round' so a breezy call of "Hi MIL, I'm just about to go to Sainsburys and will be driving past yours on the way back, I thought I might pop in for a coffee and catch up, would you like me to get anything while I'm in the supermarket?" You can then spend a short time there if they are drunk (because you only said 'pop'), but you have seen them.

It could be you have resented living with them because you felt you had to, but think again, they have shown you a great deal of kindness even if you didn't really want it, you need to show kindness back.

PeppiNephrine · 05/11/2013 21:30

you lived with them for 3 years, did no cooking or cleaning, paid for no utilities or bills at all, not even your own food.....but now you have your own place (thanks to them) you have nothing to say to them and object to them visiting you?

Are you for fucking real? I have never heard such cuntish selfishness in all my life.

Strumpetron · 05/11/2013 21:41

For fucks sake they've lived enclosed in a house with them for 3 years - is it any surprise they want their own space now?

gemmal88 · 05/11/2013 21:46

For fucks sake they've lived enclosed in a house with them for 3 years - is it any surprise they want their own space now?

Hardly means that they shouldn't let them visit, after everything they've done for them.

CeliaLytton · 05/11/2013 22:05

I don't think posters are saying that the parents have bought the right to visit, more are surprised that the op claims to find spending time with them so hard after living with them for 3 years while it suited.

Maybe the parents didn't want them living there for that period of time, maybe they found it hard, but they did it to give op and DH a better start at their life together. Selfless and generous.

What people find hard to understand is that op can't be selfless and generous more than once a fortnight. Regardless of what others have done for you, it is kind to be considerate of their feelings and wishes. Generally when people are kind to us, it makes us more likely to be kind back. So it is not so much that she owes them but that she seemed to be acting entirely for self interest, in the past and now.

CeliaLytton · 05/11/2013 22:07

And award for the most muddled, badly thought out post goes to...

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 05/11/2013 23:50

If having them round twice a month is the most cuntingly selfish thing you have ever heard of then I wish I was you!

I should have been more specific with the title.

Im currently trying to persuade dh to have them over once a week... this thread is a good guilt trip.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 06/11/2013 00:38

This is precisely the reason why I never accept anything beyond a box of chocolates from my pil.

I couldn't bear to be beholden to them and they would totally call me on it over and over.

Op, how rich are your pil? Did you live for 3 years in a manor house, waited on by staff, changing for dinner etc?

I think dinner every fortnight is fine. I mean, it's lovely for parents to help out their dcs if they're happy to do that. You should never think your dcs 'owe' you because you've helped them out.

diddl · 06/11/2013 07:29

"DH had no job so we decided to stay here than claim benefits."

Well how lucky for you that his parents were OK with it!

So you chose to live with people you don't like for 3yrs, & now can't even be bothered to see them say once a week for an hour or two?

Did his parents actually get any say in you staying??

PeppiNephrine · 06/11/2013 09:30

It's not how often you have them over, its your appalling attitude towards people who have fully supported two grown adults for YEARS.

MortaIWombat · 06/11/2013 11:34

Yes, op, I think you really do owe them some regular hospitality. If that menas a weekly dinner, so be it. You can, perhaps, gracefully let it become fortnightly, then monthly, as time passes, but right now you should be expressing your gratefulness frequently.

I think you've dealt with those calling you a cunt etc with great grace and humilty, though, I must say. I'm sure you'll deal equally well with your ILs.

MortaIWombat · 06/11/2013 11:34

means

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 06/11/2013 16:28

yeah they were fine to have us stay and say they will miss us. Though obviously it will be lovely for them to have their house back!

This is why I love mumsnet, I knew we were being selfish cunts really. it's just easier to justify the illusion that somehow we were in the right.

Now I'm clear that we are not. I appreciate a kick up the bum if it makes me a kinder person.

we would be in a tiny flat if it was not for them. its OK to be in a flat but we are just so lucky they gave us tens of thousands of pounds to buy a family home. oh god I am awful :(

OP posts:

mumofweeboys · 06/11/2013 16:53

Send dh around weekly as well as having them around yours twice a month.

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 06/11/2013 16:57

Plan!

OP posts:

CrapBag · 06/11/2013 19:28

Ok, so you can see that YABVU, but what about your DH? As his parents, this is more down to him than you. He's clearly the one resisting having them around, how has he managed to leech off them for 3 years but now can say that he doesn't want them to visit twice a month? If he finds them so unbearable, then how did he put up living there with 3 years when he didn't even get to go out to work to escape? This doesn't seem real!!!!

DameDeepRedBetty · 06/11/2013 19:34

I'm confused... at what level are they alcoholics? If they're able to supply tens of thousands of pounds towards your new home, plus free board and accommodation for three years to a grown up child and his spouse, and were also able to refuse your help with cleaning etc without the place turning into a shit-heap, they must be the most functional alcoholics I've ever come across!

Original poster

Buddhagirl · 06/11/2013 22:29

We did not feel it was doable to rent. We used too, then dh became v ill and we had to move in with parents. It has been horrible here but still not horrendous enough to move out clearly. We put on a smile for them but its been frustrating and upsetting and well we lived like teenagers really. Obviously that was our choice.

They were neglectful and distant when dh was a child, manipulative and critical. that is better than it was though, they don't tend to do it around me. Its hard for dh to forget his fucked up childhood and forgive them, but I think part of the reason why we were there for so long is his belief that one day it will be all happy families.

Alcoholics as in plastered by 7pm every night, not alcoholics as in plastered by 7am every morning.

OP posts:

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