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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to lending this money?

39 replies

starrychime · 03/10/2013 21:44

Feel rubbish. Best friend (of 20+ years) is really crap with money. Tonight her DP calls me to ask to borrow £200 to get them out of latest money pickle. (I'm quite pally with her DP as well) - I could afford it at the moment but said no Sad. Background is a couple of years ago they borrowed £500 to go on holiday, I could afford it at the time but due to various things it took over a year to get paid back by which time I was really struggling myself. She avoided me for a while as she was too embarrassed about not being able to pay it back (I know her well, it really was embarrassment rather than not wanting to pay) and I ended up having to write to her (I mean who writes these days Smile) and assure her I didn't hate her etc and then we got back in touch and money was paid eventually.
So AIBU to say no this time - don't want to risk any more bad feeling but am hoping she'll understand why I said no. Would you?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 21:47

yanbu. Smile

SugarHut · 03/10/2013 21:54

"Sorry sweetie, I wish I could help you out, but I just don't have the ability to lend anything right now. But I would love to take us both for coffee tomorrow?"

Yanbu.

LindyHemming · 03/10/2013 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 03/10/2013 21:56

YANBU.

Don't feel an obligation to help them financially. They used you before, don't let them use you again.

MirandaGoshawk · 03/10/2013 21:57

Yep, I would say "no, can't manage it - sorry". Too much hassle/worry. You have done your bit by lending in the past.

Quote: "Neither a borrower or a lender be."

MirandaGoshawk · 03/10/2013 21:58

*nor

ModeratelyObvious · 03/10/2013 22:00

Yambu

MsVestibule · 03/10/2013 22:01

I'm amazed they had the brass neck to ask! But on the other side of the coin, she was very embarrassed that they couldn't pay it back quickly last time, so how desperate are they this time to ask again?

I fully understand why you'd want to say 'no', but if she's your best friend of 20 years, I think I'd say 'yes', especially if you can afford it.

Original poster
starrychime · 03/10/2013 22:02

See I know them so well I know they're not taking the piss - and her DP was fine when I said Sorry, I'm not lending money at all any more. She did text later and said sorry her DP called me but such and such has happened and that's why we need it but sorry again. I just can't be bothered with worrying they can't pay it back and even though I'll say it's fine for a few months there will be some festering resentment Sad

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 03/10/2013 22:02

They borrowed £500 for a holiday?! They couldn't afford a holiday, then. YANBU and did the right thing refusing to lend to them. You'd be better off offering advice on how to budget better. Maybe point them in the direction of the MSE forums?

GemmaTeller · 03/10/2013 22:03

yanbu

hermioneweasley · 03/10/2013 22:04

My best friend had bailiffs at the door and didn't ask. I had to force her to take money in the end.

If you want to help them and can

  1. afford to see it as a £200 gift and
  2. accept they will keep coming back as long as you keep bailing them out for being crap with money

Then go ahead.

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 22:06

Please, please don't lend friends money unless you can afford to genuinely give it as a gift, we have stupidly lent over £2k in 2 separate 'loans' to a friend and a relative, we will never see it again. We fell for the usual sob stories and it has left us feeling very bruised.

zippey · 03/10/2013 22:08

The only time you should lend people money is if you can afford and not be pissed off if they failed to repay you, for whatever reason.

Too many friendships and families are hurt and broken by ill feeling caused by loans. You have experienced this in the past and you are right to stand firm.

Why do they want the money?

Original poster
starrychime · 03/10/2013 22:10

It's so her DP can get a loan - if he had that as the 1st payment he could get it right away apparently, and I would be paid back when it came through.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/10/2013 22:11

I want to know the reason too!

OctoberNights · 03/10/2013 22:11

There is something to the old saying never a borrower or lender be

If you could not afford it if it wasn't paid ...do not lend it

If you want to help thm and can afford to , get their shopping on a home deleivery, top up the electricity or gas (if they are are on prepay meters)

Do not just hand over money

PareyMortas · 03/10/2013 22:12

She was so embarrassed last time and yet her DH has asked again? I'd say it sounds like they really really need it if they've asked again under those circumstances so I'd help them out.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/10/2013 22:12

X-post.

Wha??? First payment? That does not really sound like any loan structures I'm familiar with...

What do they need the loan for then?

foslady · 03/10/2013 22:13

But how can they afford to pay a loan back if they are that skint and bad with money? The two together are a recipe for disaster.....YANBU

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 22:13

Did they have another "holiday crisis"?

Of course you are not wrong to not lend money to people who borrow to go on holiday. Hmm

mumofweeboys · 03/10/2013 22:14

Just tell her it's nothing personal but you don't lend money anymore as it causes too many problems. Perhaps suggest credit union.

Department · 03/10/2013 22:15

I think I'd be straight with her and say you can't do it again after all the trouble it caused last time

Floggingmolly · 03/10/2013 22:17

Complete bullshit. They need to borrow the first payment in order to get a loan Confused. They can't afford that loan either! Stay clear.

Kafri · 03/10/2013 22:17

I was taught a valuable lesson where lending money is concerned. Never lend money you can't afford to lose!

Yanbu

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