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Original poster

Or is DH. Regarding bed time routine with DTs

117 replies

wickerbasketcase · 19/08/2013 20:31

My twins are 12 weeks. We've established a routine of bath feed bed that starts around 6.30and takes usually an hour but often longer if they won't settle. It's improving with consistency,and now both are waking less at night and stretching out time between feeds. DH had an unavoidable meeting tonight where he had to attend to give a presentation. Totally fair enough as he's the wage earner right now. However, routine has gone to hell and I've been up and down the stairs umpteen times. DTs are now back down with me in front of Eastenders until DH gets home. The thing is, he now wants to go to football training every Tues night from 7-9. He already does footie all day on a Saturday, often playing at away matches a few hours away. I think all our progress will get undone as I can't manage bedtime for DTs alone.

OP posts:
Sanctimummy · 19/08/2013 20:35

Are you breastfeeding? If not or if the twins accept bottles with expressed breast milk then it's only fair that one night a week you take time out away from home (at twins bedtime) and let him deal. Then discuss and go from there.

Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 20:35

The hellos due to the fact that the 12 week olds are not yet old enough to understand a bedtime routine.
Your husband wants a couple of hours out once a week and I don't think that is at all unreasonable.
You will get used to the bedtime routine and you will learn to manage it.

Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 20:35

'Hell is'

CaptainSweatPants · 19/08/2013 20:38

I don't understand why they're downstairs until he's home?
Can't you feed them to sleep and put them down upstairs?

shoofly · 19/08/2013 20:38

Sanctimummy has it nailed. How does he feel about doing the bedtime routine alone? If both of you get an evening off, it's worth considering.

Glittertwins · 19/08/2013 20:39

One night a week for him is not unreasonable. It's not necessary to bath them every night as at 12 weeks they can't get that dirty. Routines will change as they get older anyway so why not change on a Tuesday to not bathe so it becomes normal.
I never managed to bathe our DTs on my own, so I didn't. Much less stressful when he didn't get home in time for 6:30pm bed time.

forevergreek · 19/08/2013 20:42

Until 6 months they should really stay downstairs with you until you go to bed.

I would feed and bath ( don't need to bath daily) and just pop in Moses basket/ pram downstairs. When you actually go to bed do a routine of dreamfeed, little lullaby and say goodnight and pop into cots/ basket then

Sirzy · 19/08/2013 20:46

I don't think wanting one night a week off is unreasonable, although i agree with PP who said you should also have that opportunity (even if its just sitting watching TV while he does bedtime!)

I also agree with those who said baths every night aren't needed, I was actually advised not to bath every night.

froken · 19/08/2013 20:49

I kept ds "up" but asleep in the living room with us and took him to bed when we went to bed until he was 6 months old. Mostly we did this because advice to prevent sids states that the babies should be in the same room as you at all times but also I couldn't be doing with pacing up and down half the evening and trying to put a baby down who just wanted cuddles with mummy and pappa. At 6 months we started to put ds to bed alone at 6/7-ish and he went down and slept really easilly.

cansu · 19/08/2013 20:52

Forever why should they sleep downstairs? If they are put to bed in safe sleeping position and I am sure op is checking on them, I really don't see why they need to be downstairs.

TheDetective · 19/08/2013 20:52

I am replying and imagining two of my baby.

No, YASOOOOOOOOOOOOONBU.

He can wait til they are older surely and less demanding?

I have written off this year of our lives in terms of outside activity. So has DP.

Wonders how the fuck you get two babies asleep when two of us struggle with one bloody baby!

BrokenSunglasses · 19/08/2013 20:55

I don't think football once a week is unreasonable, but once is enough when your wife is at home dealing with baby twins.

YANBU.

schmee · 19/08/2013 20:56

I have dts so I understand how difficult it is, how focused you may be on routine, etc. It's also galling that your dh is assuming that he can reclaim some normal leisure time when you probably don't have any at all. So yanbu. That said, I think it would probably help your self-confidence massively if you found a way of doing the bedtime routine by yourself. It is really hard but it is doable and will get easier and easier. It would benefit everybody if you could establish a routine that doesn't have to include a bath for both dts each night eg do one a night. In a few months they will be big enough to bath together in seats so you can re-establish nightly baths then if you wish.

On the football thing, could you explain to your dh that you would like him to hold off for a couple of months until you feel more confident. Perhaps have the objective that by six months old you will both have one night off a week? He needs to learn to put them to bed by himself too. Fair enough if he needs to work, you need to do the childcare, but managing two little babies while he plays football in addition to his Saturday game is too much IMO.

RobotHamster · 19/08/2013 21:05

If I had 12wo twins I'd be very pissed off if DP wanted a night off every single week. He's got the whole of Saturday FFS - when does the OP get time off?

waltzingmathilda · 19/08/2013 21:07

I'm with the DP on this. The world does not stop revolving because there are babies.

Sanctimummy · 19/08/2013 21:11

waltzing

When was the last time you dealt with twins day in day out?

Stampstamp · 19/08/2013 21:15

I would have been horrified if DH suggested going out one evening a week when DD1 was 12 weeks, and that was only one baby! I could have 'managed' the evening on my own but she was a very demanding baby, cried a lot throughout the day and particularly in the evening, and I was severely sleep deprived - by the time he came home from work I was desperate! And this was despite going out in the day to meet friends etc. So OP, I thing YANBU, not at all - your DH needs to accept that his life will change but once the twins are more settled, hopefully in a few months, he'll be able to start going out in the evening - as will you.

schmee · 19/08/2013 21:16

Waltzingmathilda - the world does stop revolving if you have baby twins. You don't get to do anything you did in your past life. It changes as they get bigger, but when they are tiny you do not have a millisecond to yourself unless you happen to have amazing synchronised sleepers. This on top of a pregnancy where your bump is double the size of a normal pregnancy.

So of course if someone needs to go to work they can't be there to support their partner, but leisure time isn't really on the cards for anyone.

As said, I think the primary carer needs to be able to cope on their own (as should their dp), but this isn't a case of being too child-focused.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 19/08/2013 21:17

IMO it's either one night off each, week or he shouldn't go. If he does footbal all sat Saturday I assume you have all day Sunday off?

FrogsGoWhat · 19/08/2013 21:17

As PPs have said SIDS guidelines is that the babies should sleep in the same room as you until 6 months - including naptimes and evenings - so putting them to bed downstairs is actually recommended.

I would also say that a bath every night is actually bad for their thin skins and so don't even attempt to bath them yourself!

Personally DP has always had one evening a week to do some exercise, and often one whole day of the weekend. As long as you get the opportunity to take time out for yourself if you want it, then that's not unreasonable - as long as he pulls his weight at all other times!

RobotHamster · 19/08/2013 21:18

No, but when you have tiny babies the world revolves around them, not bloody football.

LanguageTimothy · 19/08/2013 21:19

My twins are 5 yo, I still remember the first time I had to bath them and put them to bed on my own (DH away with work for 4 nights). So stressful. I completely sympathise.

I eventually worked out a method (as with most things multiple it's figuring out the logistics which is so tricky).
I used to put a bouncy chair in the bathroom and whoever wasn't in the bath was is the bouncy chair screaming then I arranged the bed with pillow barricades so they were on either side of me while I fed them screaming.

I promise, promise, promise that it does get easier. At your stage I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and was still wondering how I'd ever make it out on my own for more than the 30 mins I had in between feeds.

I survived. My children are wonderful, funny, happy little people, who didn't settle sorry into a routine until they were about 7 months old.

It starts to get easier soon. Honest.

In the meantime, speak to your DH. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to hold off for a month. By 16 weeks the world will be quite different and you can reassess.

LanguageTimothy · 19/08/2013 21:22

Waltzing - I assume you don't have twins?

Cos if not You. Have. No. Idea

If you do have twins were you just so sleep deprived you've forgotten?

Runningchick123 · 19/08/2013 21:23

Wondering how my mum coped when I was little and she had a set of twins as well as three others all a year apart.
I agree that the OP should also be entitled to some time off to enjoy her own leisure activities, but the DP should not be denied his time either. He works hard and provides and as long as he helps out during the rest of the week when he isnt working then I really don't see what the problem is.

schmee · 19/08/2013 21:26

Runningchick Perhaps you should ask your mother?

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