Or is DH. Regarding bed time routine with DTs

[wickerbasketcase]

My twins are 12 weeks. We've established a routine of bath feed bed that starts around 6.30and takes usually an hour but often longer if they won't settle. It's improving with consistency,and now both are waking less at night and stretching out time between feeds. DH had an unavoidable meeting tonight where he had to attend to give a presentation. Totally fair enough as he's the wage earner right now. However, routine has gone to hell and I've been up and down the stairs umpteen times. DTs are now back down with me in front of Eastenders until DH gets home. The thing is, he now wants to go to football training every Tues night from 7-9. He already does footie all day on a Saturday, often playing at away matches a few hours away. I think all our progress will get undone as I can't manage bedtime for DTs alone.

12 week old twins?
A hobby that already takes him off all day Saturday?

He's taking the piss to disappear Tuesday nights too.

yes thinking about it I agree with Tarka

it's not like you get to disappear the whole of Sunday is it??!

Christ on a bike aren't people reading the thread? Bath time might not be necessary but it's a bloody good sleep cue so why should she drop it? And twins are never alone so away with your judginess on them sleeping in a place where the OP has said they sleep better.

OP, Yanbu. I only had the one (though I am a twin myself) and I wish I'd put my foot down about DH's football when ds's was tiny. Him being absent 3 times a week let him think that life with a baby wasn't changing our lives so much, and I'm still holding onto resentment from that time.

Often it's not a choice being on your own in the evening if partner has a long hours job - I am about to have no 2 and will be on my own most evenings. Choosing to go out for leisure is a different matter. I would put my foot down for that!

OP if you need your DH's help then there is your answer, yes he is BU to go out. Personally I would ignore all this utter bollocks of some pp saying let him have a night off, being confined breeds resentment shit, he's a parent, he doesnt deserve a night off!

FWIW my DH came home every night by 6pm for the first six month's because I needed him to and if he felt resentment he was smart enough to suck it up! And ffs its not about either parent getting a night off, parents should muck in together to get through the hard times then you can enjoy the good times. DH goes out and for holidays with the lads now and I enjoy time on my own with DD, but we wouldnt have survived if he'd been a selfish twat about 'having time off' when I really needed him.

Feesh- I don't have twins no. But have x2 children with a 1 year gap, and have been a maternity nanny and sleep consultant to many multiples over the last 15 years. I honestly don't mind in the slightest what people do, but I would hate for someone to loose a child to cot death unessecarily. It's just not worth it ( and yes I have worked with a few people who this has happened to with a child, and have helped them with sleep training and routine with subsequent children, but from being in the same room)

Those saying 'life doesn't stop for babies/twins' are clearly only referring to the father of the children - the mother's life (as she knew it) of course has totally stopped... and will do even more if the father is able to take a whole day off AND an evening off as well as being out at work all day five days a week.

My dh does MORE than me in the evenings at weekends to try to make up for the fact he's out of the house around 50 odd hours a week minimum at work - he wants to make up for that time lost in terms of gettng to know his son.

Maybe 12 weeks is a bit soon but in another month or two it will feel more manageable?

I don't have twins but did have 3 under 3 inc 11 mo and a newborn. I think you have to be really organised and think up some coping strategies but it is doable. There will presumably be other meetings so worth working it out from that perspective if nothing else?

Having said that, maybe you and dh need a chat about what's fair and reasonable here? All day Saturday would be too much for me, I don't think that's fair on you at all.

As a mother of twins myself (now 4yo) I think you need to learn to do it by yourself (as does DH so that you can have some time out for yourself too)
There is going to be lots of occasions over the coming years where you will feel overwhelmed and outnumbered but thats life with twins

You need to learn to cope as there will be times like this where he isnt around and he needs to learn to cope without you too.

It is hard but it does get easier

Thanks all. The advice from those above with twins themselves, I will take, thanks especially to feesh who sums up how I feel. The rest I will take with a pinch of salt.

"I don't have twins but I have x within a year/all under 3"...... No you still don't get it!

Perhaps if the OP only wanted support from people who also have twins and agree with her POV 100% then she should have posted in the appropriate place and asked only those who agree to respond. Asking if you are being unreasonable suggests that the OP wants a variety of opinions and is open to different points of view.

I think you need to talk to your DH about expectations.

It's reasonable to want one night a week and a few hours at the weekend to do non-baby stuff, but you need breaks too. When the DTs are too small to permit such breaks, then you have to do things differently.

In your shoes I'd be telling him that anticipating the family needs is his responsibility as much as yours. I'd spell out that you are not (yet) ready to deal with bedtimes single-handed, and suggest that he gives it a try so he really understands what it involves. Make it clear that this isn't a permanent change in what you and he can do in terms taking solo time of hobbies/activities that matter, but it is what is needed right now. And I'd suggest he misses one term of weekday football and that you reassess after Christmas. And make sure you get a few hours off some/every weekend too.

OP - I know the multiples page doesn't get as much traffic but at least you would get advice from those of us who really get it. dealing with multiples is such a different ball game from siblings (even very close in age siblings).

I hope you manage to have a chat with your DH and find a compromise that works for you all. I promise it gets easier, I no longer have to give myself a pep talk to do bedtime on my own!

maybe try doing bedtime on your own while DH is in the house? a trial run to see if you can feasibly find a method that works for you with the security of DH being there to jump in if needbe?

don't give up on your routine, it is crucial to staying sane with twins! (oh and lots of helps too!)

I had dts when dc1 was 17months. Dp worked 12 hour days and we don't live close enough to family that they could pop round to help (Not that they could anyway, what with them all having families and jobs of their own to deal with).
Dp used all his paternity looking after dc1 while I was in hospital with dts.

From the second day home from the hospital, I got on with it. I tried different ways until I found ways that worked for me. Ways of feeding/bathing/getting them to sleep/timings of feeds and naps were all figured out by me and the best way I could do it all. I found a relaxed routine worked, nothing too regimented, that couldn't be changed if something came up.

My life didn't stop just because I had twins. I still went shopping, met friends, did toddler groups/parks, visited family, decorated, etc.

Frankly, I feel insulted that people think that just because I had twins I should be rocking in the corner unable to manage. Everyone copes with things differently.

Op, give it time, do it a few times on your own and your confidence will grow and you will find it easier. If not, then tell your dh that you need more help and go from there.

well said alloutofideas so many people seem to think 'oh god how can you cope with twins'. quite frankly, twins is what I have so twins is what I cope with. I was very lucky to be dealt such a hand and I get on with it!

why the hell SHOULD a mother of twins do bedtime by herself just so that the father can have ANOTHER game of football when he already gets a whole day of football at the weekend???

it's not at all the same as having to do it yourself because you are a lone parent or your partner works late.

I don't have twins, but I think he's massively taking the piss. All of those people basically saying "suck it up", why the hell should she? Why shouldn't he "suck it up" that his life has to change a bit too?

It's not about whether you can cope its whether you should have to. Football is not an entitlement when you have baby twins. It's just not.

alloutofideas I'm sure you realise how extraordinary you are by being able to have done what you did. I have the same gaps, and nearly went under. Please don't spoil your achievements by minimising what you did, and coming off as smug.

I was just about ok with dh continuing his hobby one day each weekend when we had dts, but said evenings were not ok at all, I needed him home for bedtimes!

BUT as work frequently meant he was home late we developed our bedtime routine from the start which I could manage by myself when required. So definitely no daily bath, far too hard at that age on my own.

I think it is great to have the exact same bedtime rituals, in our case it was getting changed, dim the lights, bottles in their bouncy chairs, lightly swaddled, then put down in bed. Of course there were good days and bad, but we settled into a pattern that suited me and dh did his best to be home playing his part as much as he could.

I do fall into the camp that thinks life SHOULD change dramatically when you have kids, especially twins. How can it not? Days were easier to make subtle changes to but the biggest change for us was evenings: absolutely no going out or having people over because we had to be able to manage bedtimes.

People who managed BECAUSE THEY HAD TO when their partner WAS WORKING. This woman's partner fancies doing a bit more of his hobby, WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE TO MANAGE TO INDULGE HIM? They are his children too!! Sorry for shouting.

Feesh, I had twins and a singleton within 18 months, so really, I have triplets!

Leaving anything else aside, I always worry about newish mothers who get hooked on a routine with very little babies. Because it could be a proper routine-but could also just be a week of flukes. And either way it could go all haywire at the next developmental stage- and if you've invested heavily in the routine it feels even worse when it all changes. You've got the awfulness of everything being all over the place again, and the feeing that you've done something to "break" it. Rather than it just changing because that's what babies do. iYSWIM.