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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed MIL has kicked off potty training!

105 replies

ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:16

DS is 2.5 years old and is looked after by my MIL (whom I love dearly) twice a week while I work.

He is still in nappies and I am beginning to think about potty training but don't really believe he is ready to fully start.

MIL is keen to get him out of nappies. We discussed it over dinner recently (she brought it up) and she suggested the summer holidays might be a good time to do it, as DS would have a break from playgroup.
I said I didn't think he was ready but she had a point about the timings. We left it at that.

When I picked DS up from her house today, I was put out that she had bought him some pants and he had been wearing them all day! She said she was just trying him to see how he got on with it.

AIBU to be livid about this?!

OP posts:
GwennieF · 24/07/2013 21:19

Its not something I would get wound up about; but I suppose it would depend on your relationship with your MIL...

Did your DS like being in pants?

NeedlesCuties · 24/07/2013 21:20

YABU.

She's looking after him for you while you work, saving you stacks of ££ on childcare.

She maybe sees you and her as being in a 'team' and she has the parenting experience to know how to do potty training.

Think of the ££ you'll save on nappies once he's trained, and at this age he might well be ready.

Don't be livid because she bought him some pants and tried them on him.

I'm sure plenty will disagree with me, but I think you're over-reacting big style.

Pascha · 24/07/2013 21:20

I would love someone else - anyone else to potty train my son. I don't have the patience for it at all.

redskyatnight · 24/07/2013 21:21

Er - why? Potty training is a PITA, if she's prepared to clean up messes and see how he goes then why not?

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:22

I do love my MIL, there is no issue there at all. I think I was more put out because it is my decision when I want to do away with the nappies!

He did like his pants but peed all over the floor immediately when I got him home. Bless him, he helped me mop it up!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 24/07/2013 21:23

I would want to make that decision myself really. I think doing it too early is counter productive.

NeedlesCuties · 24/07/2013 21:25

It's not just your decision about when to do away with nappies if your MIL spends two days a week changing them!

I think you sound a little bit PFB, and I say that in the nicest possible way, as I was a bit like that when my DS was young.

As others have said potty training can be hard work (it ain't called 'training' for nothing!) so I think you should take any help you can.

TimeofChange · 24/07/2013 21:25

I think it's a really good time to do.

I'm older probably the same sort of age as your MIL.
30 years ago it was very unusual for 2.5 year olds to still be in nappies.
They started playgroup just before they were 3, but had to be toilet trained, so they were.

mynameisslimshady · 24/07/2013 21:26

It would be different if she mentioned it and you said 'Absolutely not', but it sounds like you were a bit non committal and she thought she was doing you a favour.

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:26

I think it is a bit harsh to say I Am being unreasonable - i know she is saving us lots of money etc etc, and I'm grateful she wants to help to do it when the time is right; however, part of potty training is about the parents being ready. I am not ready to train my toddler who is not ready even though she is.

OP posts:
Sarahlundismyhero · 24/07/2013 21:27

I guess it depends on whether this is an isolated incident or has she done anything else to piss you off before. TBH I would accept the help and the support of your MIL and try and be pleased she is kicking it off. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth !

SueDoku · 24/07/2013 21:29

You can be livid if you really want to ruin what sounds like a good relationship between you and your MIL - one that brings huge benefits to you, your DS and your MIL - stop and ask yourself if you really want to do this?

If your DS is not ready for training, it's not you who will have to deal with the results Wink

I'd leave it a couple of weeks - then see what your MIL says. She might be heartily fed up by then - but on the other hand, you might have a fully potty trained DS Smile

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 24/07/2013 21:30

Given his age and the fact that she looks after him twice a week then I would be more pleased than livid. If he isn't ready then it will become apparent within a week. I think it's pretty marvellous that she is willing to do it tbh.

Buchanon08 · 24/07/2013 21:32

Whether your son is ready or not, your MIL cannot potty train him for only 2 days a week. It requires consistency so certainly shouldn't be started without your commitment to it too. However it sounds like she means no harm and just wants to help. I do understand your annoyance though! Maybe give it a few days if you're feeling up to it and see how it goes and then be clear to your MIL next time she has him what you've decided?

ReallyTired · 24/07/2013 21:32

I can understand why you feel livid that your mother in law has made the decision to attempt potty training. However it may well be that your son is ready. Two and half years old is not that ridicolously young to attempt potty training.

"He did like his pants but peed all over the floor immediately when I got him home. Bless him, he helped me mop it up!"

At least he realises that he has had an accident. He may well be ready for potty training.

I suggest you persist now that your MIL has started for at least two weeks. We have glorious weather at the moment and if he plays outside then you avoid wee on the carpet. If after two weeks your son still has no clue about the potty then I would go back to nappies.

redskyatnight · 24/07/2013 21:35

If your DS is not ready, then he won't potty train and your MiL will give up.
Incidentally, what makes you think he isn't? And how did MiL get on?

AnnabelleLee · 24/07/2013 21:37

YABU. If you want a carer that does everything precisely your way, you need to pay for it. She did you a favour.

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:37

I wouldn't ever tell Mil I was cross about it, I know she wants to bring him on for the reasons TimeofChange mentioned and has his interests at heart. I still stick to my guns that it is the parents decision when to bite the bullet. I am not an ungrateful DIL or anything like that, quite the contrary.
SueDoku, we will have to deal with the consequences too if we go full throttle. I am not keen to start something then go back to nappies- I want to be in a Position never to look back! DS has a speech delay and wouldn't verbalise poo or pee!

OP posts:
IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 24/07/2013 21:41

They don't need to verbalise. My pfb refused a nappy at about 20 months and had very few words. My other ds wasn't trained until 3.5 but he has speech delay too and could barely say mama.

MamaBear17 · 24/07/2013 21:43

I would be annoyed. I know your MIL is providing free childcare, but that doesn't then mean that she gets to start potty training when she wants to. My dd goes to nursery and they follow the parents lead on practically everything. For example, my DD was very fussy with food when she first started. The nursery asked me what I wanted them to do if she refused to eat and then followed those instructions. I knew that it was DD being fussy because she ate similar things at home so I asked them to persevere with offering the food and not to make a big deal if she didnt eat it. They did, and now she eats really well at nursery. I know you arent paying her, but, in my opinion, you are the parent and the grandparents should follow your lead on everything. I think you should say something, but in a gentle way. Next time you drop him off I would be tempted to say 'we have decided to leave him in nappies for a while because he isnt ready yet, so there are plenty of nappies in the bag for you' and leave it at that.

HumphreyCobbler · 24/07/2013 21:44

If MIL is only looking after the OP's ds for two days a week it is not just her who will be cleaning up the mess.

I don't see that it is anyone's decision but the PARENTS to decide when to potty train. Some children are ready early, but some are not.

I do think that accepting childcare from someone doesn't really give them the right to make decisions like this.

hamab · 24/07/2013 21:51

I think it should be your decision and she's overstepped the mark. A nursery wouldn't initiate it without your say so.

TheSurgeonsMate · 24/07/2013 21:52

This happened to me. I was quite annoyed, but I think I didn't really realise that potty type activities can be quite a gradual build up, you aren't generally looking at a do or die scenario. I still got to buy dd the NICE knickers and declare the start day and buy the chocolate buttons when I was ready. It was fine.

DontmindifIdo · 24/07/2013 21:53

do you feel like now she's started it, you're now forced to go with it? Because if so, YANBU - it's not her decision to make. Also, if she does decide she's going to train on her days and you don't do the same, then it'll be confusing for your DS, one of the big things that everyone (potty training books, nursery, other mums) repeated to me was you have to be consistant - nappies one day, pants the next is just confusing and counter productive. So if she's trying to force your hand, then it's really not on.

Also what matters is not 'is it summer' or 'is it a good time given there's no play group', but is your DS ready? I felt forced into it last summer as DS was also 2.5 years. He wasn't ready, I knew that really but went with it as family were pressuring, I had some time off, it was sunny so he could run around with no pants on (expect he didn't, he ran into the house and we still got wee on the floor), a year on and he's still not 100% dry. I wish I'd waited a little longer and done it when he was ready, not just when it suited me.

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:55

Thanks to all who replied to me. There is some really good advice in the replies.

OP posts: