To be annoyed MIL has kicked off potty training!

[ODearMe]

DS is 2.5 years old and is looked after by my MIL (whom I love dearly) twice a week while I work.

He is still in nappies and I am beginning to think about potty training but don't really believe he is ready to fully start.

MIL is keen to get him out of nappies. We discussed it over dinner recently (she brought it up) and she suggested the summer holidays might be a good time to do it, as DS would have a break from playgroup.
I said I didn't think he was ready but she had a point about the timings. We left it at that.

When I picked DS up from her house today, I was put out that she had bought him some pants and he had been wearing them all day! She said she was just trying him to see how he got on with it.

AIBU to be livid about this?!

[ODearMe]

We will give it a shot next week when we don't have any commitments

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Well, it's good he's backing you. How have things been left?

[ODearMe]

Dh thinks she means well but it is not her decision. He did tell her this in the nicest possible way too!

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

I don't think it's your MIL's decision to make and the fact she provides childcare doesn't give her license to decide something like this.

What does your DP think about it all?

[MerylStrop]

It's bugger all like feeding a vegetarian bacon. Nobody's moral or ethical positions have been compromised. Though that would be mightily out of order.

[MerylStrop]

MIL's put him in some pants to tootle around.
She hasn't FORCED anyone to do anything, nor insisted potty training happens NOW. This is hardly making a fundamental decision or overstepping her role as part time carer and grandparent.
Fortunately the OP has the grace to realise that is all that has happened, and that it is no big wow.

[whatever5]

DuelingFanjo- I doubt that the MIL would complain if her DIL decided to keep him in nappies though (as long as DIL paid for them).

The DIL said that she didn't think he wasn't ready for potty training although it's hard to see how she could know that if she has never tried and has no experience of potty training. MIL was just testing to see if the the child was ready which was nice of her considering that she may have ended up doing a lot of cleaning that day. I can't see that the MIL has done any harm.

[DuelingFanjo]

maybe we'll see a thread from her MIL on here saying 'am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with my DIL over the potty training of my grandson? I have started putting him in pants when he is with me (2 days a week) because I think he is ready. DIL has told me that she wants to wait a bit longer but I have decided to go ahead anyway. Thing is she is putting him in nappies the other five days a week and it's making the 2 days at my house really hard'.

That would be good wouldn't it?

[BlackeyedSusan]

it would be equally aanoying hichever grandparernt kicked off the potty training. it is easier to tell your mum to stop interfering without spoiling the relationship. get you h to sy something and make sure he says WE don't think he is ready, rather than odear does not think he is ready.

[whatever5]

I think that people are being ridiculously uptight about this. What is the problem with the MIL letting the child wear pants all day??? What harm would it do? She was being nice.

The MIL has potty trained before and looks after the child two days a week so probably has a good idea about whether or not he might be ready (more idea than the OP if she has never potty trained).

I wasn't annoyed when the nursery did this with DD2 so my opinion is not based on the fact the MIL provides free childcare.

[ThePowerof3]

That's a deal breaker NoonarAgain, no one has the right to do that

[brdgrl]

I always find it odd on here when people justify grandparents going against the parents wishes on the basis that the grandparents are providing childcare. Yes they are providing childcare, but they are not the parents, and the parenting decisions should always remain with the parents.

This.

And YANBU to want to potty-train on your schedule (and DSs) and using the methods that you choose.

[3littlefrogs]

But you did discuss it and agreed about the timings. You said you didn't think he was ready - she probably thought giving it a try would be the way to find out if he was ready or not.

I don't think your MIL deliberately set out to undermine you - she probably misunderstood and thought you were ok with giving it a go.

I really wouldn't fall out with her over it. I certainly wouldn't be livid. Slightly perturbed perhaps.

My MIL almost killed my ds (twice) and almost set my house on fire once. She did much more besides, but that is a whole other story.

[willyoulistentome]

I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed. YOU are his Mum. SHE is not. How often she looks after him is beside the point. IMO she does not get to make decisions like that just because she is giving you free child care. She can suggest it, she can ask you.. but it's YOUR decision. You should not be presented with a 'fait accompli'.

(Really gets my goat - My Mum used to do thigs like that all the time!!)

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I would be delighted, personally.

Potty training is my absolute nemesis and I loathe it. If someone else would take the lead and be prepared to deal with the clearing up for a couple of days a week I would be so, so over the moon.

And I absolutely agree that now is the time, over the summer and with a break from playgroup.
I should have trained DS1 the summer he turned two, and I didn't because I thought he wasn't ready. We missed the boat and have had a proper time over it, he still has 'poo issues' and he's been at school a year.

DS2 is 2.3 and we are training him this summer.

[IsleOfIslay]

I think I would be quite annoyed tbh. It's your child therefor your decision. Nothing wrong with your MIL giving you advise of helping when you have actually started potty training but to decide herself it's time to start is a bit pushy and meddling I think. Although I'm sure she meant it with her best interests and probably thought she was doing you a favour. Don't let it ruin your relationship with her though it's not worth that

[NoonarAgain]

Of??

[NoonarAgain]

I'd be really annoyed of. It's the principle of the thing. You're the parent. Your decision. My mil decided it was ok to feed my 2yo, then vegetarian, bacon!

[ThePowerof3]

It is difficult though as you are paying a childminder/nursery, if your PiLs/parents are kind enough to provide free childcare it makes it totally different and a very fine balance but on this occasion I think MIL should abide by the mothers decision as she knows when her DS is ready and potty training shouldn't be rushed

[3littlefrogs]

I honestly think the most important thing is to be relaxed about it.
People seem to get so stressed and uptight about all manner of things these days.

It is a normal stage of development and so much easier if they can be outside in the garden for most of the time. Even if they wee on their feet, they can make the connection between the sensation and the result that much quicker.

Modern nappies are so dry and comfortable, I think they don't notice being wet so much.

It will probably be fine.

You are lucky to have a nice MIL. Mine was horrid.

[whatever5]

I don't think that it's unreasonable for you MIL to try potty training if your DS is 2.5 and she looks after him for 2 days a week.

With both my dds, potty training was initiated by the nursery. With dd2 they didn't even ask, they just said that they had left her without a nappy that day and it had been fine so the next day could I bring in several spare pairs of knickers. I don't remember being annoyed although a bit surprised (she was 2 years two months)! She was potty trained by the end of the week.

You can't know if he is "ready" if you haven't tried it. It won't do any harm to try to potty train for a week. You can always go back to nappies for a while if it doesn't seem to be working. Your MIL is right about it being easier to do in the summer.

[TroublesomeEx]

I always find it odd on here when people justify grandparents going against the parents wishes on the basis that the grandparents are providing childcare.

Yes they are providing childcare, but they are not the parents, and the parenting decisions should always remain with the parents.

I used a childminder and a nursery, not being fortunate enough to have parents/ILs who would or could look after them, but that wouldn't give them the right to override my decisions as a parent - whether they agreed with them or not.

[3littlefrogs]

I would let her give it a go and see how she gets on.
She has the time and patience to do it, and IME 2 and a half is just about right. Plus the weather is ideal for it.

[ThePowerof3]

My MIL said she started potty training at 6 months and my SIL started hers off at age 1, she was so pushy with it her DS was still in nappies at 4 and couldn't cope with the pressure

[DuelingFanjo]

coraltoes - it's interesting you say that. My DS has been 'potty training' since April and STILL doesn't routinely ask me for a wee, though he does most of his poos in the potty. His nursery kicked it off and I decided to go with it but it's been a really long process. He's not witholding wees and will sit on the potty but he still has accidents sometimes. I am loathe to stop though, hopefully I am not damaging him.

I always wondered about ECing, surely ECing is pretty much just an extended form of potty training - does that cause problems with an aversion to the potty or holding in wee?