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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed MIL has kicked off potty training!

105 replies

ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:16

DS is 2.5 years old and is looked after by my MIL (whom I love dearly) twice a week while I work.

He is still in nappies and I am beginning to think about potty training but don't really believe he is ready to fully start.

MIL is keen to get him out of nappies. We discussed it over dinner recently (she brought it up) and she suggested the summer holidays might be a good time to do it, as DS would have a break from playgroup.
I said I didn't think he was ready but she had a point about the timings. We left it at that.

When I picked DS up from her house today, I was put out that she had bought him some pants and he had been wearing them all day! She said she was just trying him to see how he got on with it.

AIBU to be livid about this?!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/07/2013 21:56

How did he cope all day wearing them?

I would be miffed but if he coped well then fantastic!

girliefriend · 24/07/2013 21:56

yabu but I can understand why you are annoyed Wink

He is your son and you want to make these decisions however in what way to do you think your ds is not ready?

Why not just go with it, if he really isn't ready you will know pretty soon and if he is - great!!

EverybodysStressyEyed · 24/07/2013 21:57

Ds' nursery told me to train him because he was ready. He had just turned two an I wasn't ready.

But I did and thy were right and he was dry in three days.

Give him a chance. You may find he surprises you (but not your mil!)

CheungFun · 24/07/2013 21:58

I would be annoyed in this situation as now she's started potty training you've got to continue it as otherwise your DS might get confused. She should have spoken with you first and you could have both come up with a plan together!

CreatureRetorts · 24/07/2013 21:59

YANBU
Whatever people might say, this is a decision to be made by the primary carer - the MIL is not that person. Doesn't matter if it's "helpful", still not her decision.

A nursery or CM wouldn't do it without mum/dad say so so why should she?

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 21:59

Yes yes to people who say give it a couple of weeks. Nothing lost nothing gained! Still annoyed though!

OP posts:
Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 22:00

Nothing ventured I meant to say!

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 24/07/2013 22:00

She might be overstepping the mark (and I understand your Hmm reaction) but I think she's probably right, TBH. Why do you want him in nappies? Nappies are gross, especially in summer. All sweaty and plastic. Let him be bare bummed! What's to lose?

So, overall, YABU. 2.5 is actually pretty old to be starting potty training (around here anyway).

Bunbaker · 24/07/2013 22:07

"AIBU to be livid about this?!"

Sorry, but yes. If your MIL is looking after him 2 days a week I think she has a right to help potty train him. Besides, potty training is a pain and you should be thankful that your MIL is sharing the burden with you.

"Still annoyed though!"

Why? Is it a "milestone" that you don't want to miss?

Original poster
ODearMe · 24/07/2013 22:10

No I am annoyed she took the initiative away from me to do it. I am his mum and it is my right to make these choices. Would you expect a secondary career to take your baby for first haircut or wean him without consulting you?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 24/07/2013 22:12

I felt like this when the nursery started trying out my ds with pants. Three months later and he's still not asking for the potty. Everyone has said stop and try again later. I feel loathe to because we have come so far but I still feel annoyed that I was kind of pressured into it. So I feel your pain.

Maybe you can just tell her that you are waiting longer.

DuelingFanjo · 24/07/2013 22:14

And I can totally understand you not wanting to start something and then have to stop.

ThePrinceofCambridge · 24/07/2013 22:14

Defiantly not being unreasonable. You should have the final say on when and how things occur.

Its a problem with MILS anyway let alone ones who have so much contact as yours does.

Of course, I speak from experience! We had always let our DD guide us when she was ready to do things, as she herself developed, Mil of course wanted to push and rush and take charge.

However as other posters said, I wasn't 100% sure about what I was doing, I loathe the woman but DD did do a crap on her precious floor, so that was karma I guess. She did bring her along a little. Then we did loads of gentle ground work and then she had her once and said she did it all!

I would see how your son goes with it, if your happy to have him in nappies and he doesn't get the training in a week, two weeks, ie very few accidents then its too early!

Can you just have a nice chat with her about wanting the final say, in a nice way that wont hurt her feelings, this is a trickle, if you dont stop it - you will be fighting off Niagra soon with the liberties.

marriedinwhiteagain · 24/07/2013 22:14

Just humour her and do what you want when he's with you. If it works it works; if it doesn't you are right and no need to rub it in. He will be potty trained when he's ready to be potty trained. Remembers trying withDS all through the long warm summer years and years ago - started, stopped, gave up; listened to all my friends telling me theirs were trained and felt inadequate. At 2.8 DS announced "no pants". He was ready; it was autumn. He never had an accident after that. All those potty trained toddlers still had to have three changes of trousers every day at turned three.

Just humour her - she provides cheap, loving, caring childcare.

Ginger4justice · 24/07/2013 22:14

YANBU.
Just because your MIL looks after your DS does not mean she gets the final say on major parenting decisions!
It's completely ridiculous to say you have to put up with everything just because it saves you money.
Like all relationships it's about respect and understanding. I respect and trust my MIL so I don't pick her up on things I would if she was a nanny or CM. She feeds my DD pombears and fruitshoots and mostly breadsticks and cheese. She turns the tv on all day and never worries about nap times and things. That's ok.
But if she did this I would be pissed. I wouldn't show her I was angry I would forgive but I would say, 'I don't think he's ready, we'll try again another time' next time I saw her. And if she ignored me I would ask my DH to communicate my annoyance to her. Like he did when she took DD to get her first pair of shoes fitted.

ThePrinceofCambridge · 24/07/2013 22:15

BTW my mil was asking and obsessed with training since two years along with her learning the piano.

She picked it up in about two weeks, with only a very few accidents from 3 and half.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 24/07/2013 22:16

Livid is a bit OTT but I'd be annoyed she just went ahead and did it without consulting either parent first especially as you has said you weren't sure he's ready. I do think its important they're ready for it. My DD wasn't in knickers til she was 2.8 years and was fine from the off. handful of accidents in the first week and that was it, bar once in a blue moon. I dont think she'd have been successful if I'd pushed her before that when she wasn't ready.

MagicHouse · 24/07/2013 22:19

I can understand about being annoyed the decision was taken out of your hands, but in the case of potty training I think it's brilliant when someone else does the hard work. Have to say my lovely childminder probably did most of it for both my dd and ds. They got the hang of it in a couple of days (left it til late with both though) at hers :-) I think I would just let her get on with it - if he really did spend the day in pants, then it sounds like he's ready.

LingDiLong · 24/07/2013 22:19

I also think 'livid' is a bit strong but I'd be a bit pissed off too. If you don't think he's ready then just put him back in nappies before you leave her house. Let her do what she likes while he's there and you do what you like when you leave! Potty training doesn't actually have to be 'all or nothing' and some nappy free time before you properly train can be helpful.

ihearsounds · 24/07/2013 22:20

What makes you say that he isn't ready yet, aside from communication?
I wasn't ready for any of my dc's to toilet train, but they was, which in hindsight was the important thing.

DuelingFanjo · 24/07/2013 22:20

Bollox is this a problem with MILs in general. It's a problem with this person who happens to be the op's MIL and the OP seems to like her very much.

Nor should the op humour her. It is confusing for a toddler to be expected to wear pants in one setting and nappies in another. The OP should decide what she wants and explain it to the career, which I didn't do with the nursery because I am a fool.

ThePrinceofCambridge · 24/07/2013 22:23

Over stepping boundaries is a common mil problem.

Theironfistofarkus · 24/07/2013 22:25

Your child, your decision. Mil was probably trying to be kind but I would want to make the decision myself too.

DuelingFanjo · 24/07/2013 22:27

It clearly this isn't just restricted to MILs. Look, I love a good mother in law bashing thread as much as the next person but this is about the issue not the mil.

catkind · 24/07/2013 22:33

YANBU at all. It's up to you how and when you want to PT, and MIL doing her own thing at her own time could at worst royally screw it up, at best isn't really going to help because it won't be consistent with the days he's with you.

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