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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that your children should be your priority?

124 replies

Readallaboutit1 · 15/07/2013 17:13

'Your father will always be my priority, over you, your sibling, over everyone'.

I have a DS and I am due to have DC2 very soon, there is no way that anyone including my husband would be of priority over my children.

I am stunned by this statement from my 'D'M.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hashtagwhatever · 15/07/2013 17:16

Yanbu. I agree dc before all else

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 15/07/2013 17:17

No. But then neither do I subscribe to the 'my children are my priority in all things' school of thought. Different people are the priority at different times and depending on their needs (and mine) at the time. For example, if DH and I had planned a lovely evening for our anniversary together, would I prioritise that over DD not wanting a babysitter, yes. Would I prioritise it over her being ill and vomiting, no.

If you and your siblings are grown up and (for example) you husband is in poor health, you might be at a point in your life where your husband is your absolute priority. It's the always bit that I don't agree with.

squeakytoy · 15/07/2013 17:17

It depends. You are now an adult. So yes, I agree with your mother.

Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 17:18

YABU
My parents' marriage has always been a love affair between the two of them, no doubt as to their priorities. We were loved, and cared for but we knew the pecking order.
My marriage is not like that, my children are first and although I love my OH, he is not my priority.
Make your family what you want it to be. She is a different person, entitled to make her choices.
You are stunned? So you didn't realise it up until now?
We always knew.
Perhaps she is meaning now you and your sibling are adults?

CHJR · 15/07/2013 17:19

There is a saying, "The children of lovers are orphans." I grew up feeling that.

CoolStoryBro · 15/07/2013 17:19

Well, I think you have to bear in mind that your children will grow up and leave home in 18 years and that then, it's just you and your DH, if you're lucky still together. So, although I wouldn't say he's always my priority, there are definitely times I put him over and above the kids. It's pretty healthy, I think because I don't want to wake up in (for us) 9 years and think, "Crap! What now?!!!"

RevoltingPeasant · 15/07/2013 17:22

Depends on context.

I don't really hierarchize family relationships like that, but I have to admit my DH would probably come up about equal with my mum in any list. I wouldn't have a massive problem with my mum putting her DP over me. She is a grown up with her own life.

I'd find it a bit sad if my mum were so massively invested in me that no one else mattered. I love her very much, but we see each other 3-4 times a year (live in different parts of the country) and I am an independent adult. She sees her partner every day and they share a house.

Non-issue really

Original poster
Readallaboutit1 · 15/07/2013 17:22

I have known this to be the case since I was little and thought that this was normal however now I have had children there is no chance that anyone would come above them.

It was made very clear that this has always been the case, not just when we turned into adults.

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 15/07/2013 17:22

'The children of lovers are orphans'
The children of lovers have a lot more independence and autonomy in my experience, without mummy and daddy breathing down their necks, organising every minute of the day and pouring insane expectations on their heads. Grin

squoosh · 15/07/2013 17:23

I don't really get why anyone would need to vocalise the love pecking order. I don't see the point in telling someone you love them...............just not as much as you love someone else.

Tailtwister · 15/07/2013 17:23

I suppose it depends on the relationship. For me my DC always come first before anything. I'm sure it's the same for DH.

RevoltingPeasant · 15/07/2013 17:23

So your mum actually said to you as a child, 'Your father is more important to me than you are.' In what situation did that come up?

Fakebook · 15/07/2013 17:24

I think when your children are younger, ofcourse they're your priority, but not when they're adults! When my children grow up and start having their own children, I'd hope that I would be dh's priority and DH will be my priority.

EldritchCleavage · 15/07/2013 17:25

What squoosh said. Even if I felt like this, my children would not be told.

smugmumofboys · 15/07/2013 17:29

My French colleague says that she is a wife before she is a mother and her children are made aware of this. She doesn't understand the British way of putting children first.

littlemisswise · 15/07/2013 17:29

My mum always said that to us. I said to her once that my DC are more of a priority than DH, she told me I was being ridiculous.

I had not heard that saying about the children of lovers being orphans, but that is a good way to describe how we felt when we were DC. And the strange thing is, both of my siblings and I have made our DC priority.

livinginwonderland · 15/07/2013 17:30

When your kids are young, they should be your priority, of course, but once they're up and grown, your priorities naturally shift, surely?

OrangeLily · 15/07/2013 17:30

It's difficult to comment because we are only TTC but I guess I can see the logic. You will live with your DH/DW/DP for the rest of your life, hopefully. Whereas your children, whilst young, have to be priority this cannot be the case for the rest of their life. Parents who make their adult children their priority would be rather suffocating I would think. My DPs and my inlaws, in particular, put each other first and a unit and we are healthy and respect this but at the same time our marriage is respected back IFYSWIM!

Pootles2010 · 15/07/2013 17:31

I think its a more old-fashioned way of looking at things. Its how things used to be - before, you could always have more children, but your husband was your husband, now, its you can have another husband, but your children are your children.

I'd probably prioritise ds over dp, in the main because he's a child and so more vulnerable, but wouldn't really have a chat with anyone about where they came in the pecking order anyway?

Quite mean of your mum to say this to you. Is she normally so hurtful?

KobayashiMaru · 15/07/2013 17:32

not always, no. Children do not automatically get priority in all things. DH and I are people too, and we will have a life together long after the children have left home.
It doesn't do your children any favours to neglect your relationship with your partner either.

I find the above quote rather sad. You begrudge your parents a good relationship and their own happiness?

CHJR · 15/07/2013 17:32

This is an excellent example of how mothers can feel guilty the whole time, don't you think? I always feel guilty if I put my kids first, guilty if I put DH first (depending as others have said on ages, context). Let's not go into what happens if I put myself first!

magimedi · 15/07/2013 17:34

When my DS was a baby he was my priority - he needed me for sustenance & safety. As he's grown older that has shifted.

Now hes married & my DH is getting older my DH is my priority, our time together could be limited. I am sure my DIL appreciates this.

TVTonight · 15/07/2013 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeewineandchocolate · 15/07/2013 17:39

I don't think it's a question of more or less love- I love ds and dh differently. my love for ds is unconditional whereas there are conditions and expectations in respect of the love I have for dh.

At present ds is a child and I'm responsible for living and protecting him, as is dh. therefore I would expect ds's needs and safety to take priority.

However part of our responsibility is to show ds how functional and healthy relationships work so there are times when dh and myself need to prioritise our relationship to ensure we remain strong and emotionally connected.

Fillybuster · 15/07/2013 17:40

My dm used to say something similar to me, when I was a difficult teenager locking horns with my father over almost everything

I swore I would never feel that way about my own dcs.

Now, many many years on, I'm not so sure. My relationship with my dcs is non-negotiable and (for me, as long as I don't cock it up) a given. My relationship with my dh is one of choice and a lifelong commitment to making it work. When my dcs leave home one day (ok, we have a long way to go....dc3 is only just 3....) it will just be me and dh left behind. So we really need to continually work on and (in some ways) 'prioritise' our relationship, to nurture and sustain each other, and not subsume everything to the children.