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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that your children should be your priority?

124 replies

Readallaboutit1 · 15/07/2013 17:13

'Your father will always be my priority, over you, your sibling, over everyone'.

I have a DS and I am due to have DC2 very soon, there is no way that anyone including my husband would be of priority over my children.

I am stunned by this statement from my 'D'M.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CHJR · 15/07/2013 18:42

As you're an adult, OP, wouldn't you (rightly) say YOU put DH and DC before DM? Just wondering. (Not same BTW as saying you don't still LOVE DM, but...just wondering?)

TotallyBursar · 15/07/2013 19:06

But it's not that it was said to the op as an adult but said and demonstrated as a child.

Op's opinions on it now I'm sure would be different had she not felt that, as it seems to come across, the dc were very much second place to the df.
Priority is the wrong word for a person to use if they are actually referring to importance. I personally will never be able to imagine saying that my children are less important to me than DH even though the normal dynamics of family life mean priorities change.

I think it speaks loudly about the person and relationship op's mother perceives herself to have - she's just like the mothers people are accusing of having no life, except she has her husband at the centre of that bubble, not her children. If she's ever a widow she'll be in exactly the same position.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 19:08

how ridiculous to assume you know anything about anyone's relationship from a single post on mn, kobashi. I have no plans to end things with dh, and after a decade we're d
doing quite well thank you very much.

I'm just not going to pretend that if all that were to change in going to sit around pining for him in my old wedding dress.

KobayashiMaru · 15/07/2013 19:11

I'm not the one who said my DH was easily replaceable, so look to yourself.

Dilidali · 15/07/2013 19:17

I don't know. My attitude is slightly French (continental?). I did find it a bit strange that once one has children, the focus shifts solely on the child. The conversation between husband and wife is often resumed to handovers/reports about the kids. The weight /haircut/clothes/hobby etc 'issue' is a shrug: what did you expect, you had a child. 'We' don't go out as a couple, we had a child'.
I am not saying there's anything wrong with this, I only took notice and didn't quite understand.
Personally, i don't want to be married to 'daddy'. I want to be married to my husband. I need time with him, I need to talk to him about other stuff as well, not only about our child, I wouldn't dream of not looking after myself just because it's only him that can see me. I want to go out with him for a spot of people watching, to an art gallery, to a gig, to tall eachother stuff away from children's ears.
When we stopped doing that our marriage stopped working. We're back on track now.
I don't think that my child needs to be told that we need time to ourselves and I don't think she suffers. We spend most of our time, efforts and emotions nurturing her. it's not all the time and she's not pushed to the side, we're ensuring she gets to do something she enjoys without mummy and daddy.
Do I prioritise DH over DD? No, I do 't think so. There are 3 of us in this relationship, the dynamic changes accordingly.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 19:21

I don't need "to look to myself" I'm just a normally aware human who realizes sexual relationships can change.

you do know how many marriages end in divorce don't you? Confused

I really think people would be a lot happier if when they did end relationships that they don't turn in to stalkers or recluses.

but hey what do I know

exoticfruits · 15/07/2013 19:26

Sensible Dilidali.
It is a huge imbalance if you do it all one way. Other people can look after your child- if you haven't got family you can find babysitters.
When mothers say 'I am devoted to my child,' as if it is a virtue, I always think it is a millstone for the child as they grow up. They can enjoy staying with grandparents while you go away for a weekend.
Decisions have to suit everyone. There has to be give and take- mother always giving everything makes her the doormat. Children often have to do things they don't want to do. It is what being part of a family means.
You take all needs into consideration- sometimes your DCs come first, sometimes DP, sometimes you, sometimes the grandparents, sometimes the dog etc etc.

KobayashiMaru · 15/07/2013 19:27

Of course I know how many end in divorce. I'm sure the attitude of "hey, I might get divorced, whatever" contributes to that number. Why be in a relationship that you can see ending and you moving on? Just seems to me a rather odd, uncommitted attitude to have.

BridgetBidet · 15/07/2013 19:30

It all depends on the circumstances doesn't it? My Dad has a progressive illness and my Mum looks after him. I know that she prioritizes him over me and my siblings because he needs her more than us.

If it's over a tiff similarly parents often put on a united front, I don't think that's abnormal.

If, however, you have just told your mother he abused you as a child then of course she is wrong. But we don't know do we.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 19:36

and I think the idea that you have to stay with someone no matter what is why so many women are in the relationship section dithering about leaving an abusive relationship.

dh and I stay together because we love each other and continue you treat each other with respect, not because we "have" to be.

I feel very sorry for you if you haven't got that

AnnieLobeseder · 15/07/2013 19:37

Sometimes I put my DC first, sometimes I put my DH first, and fairly often, I put myself first. Obviously my children need more attention while they're young, so they get the most time spent on them, but everyone in this family gets equal priority. I don't think it's healthy for anyone if there is an absolute hierarchy of priority. That way, someone will end up with an over inflated sense of their own self-worth and someone will be left with feeling undervalued or unloved.

FoundAChopinLizt · 15/07/2013 19:38

Just for a change Shock

I agree with exotic

KobayashiMaru · 15/07/2013 19:41

Hmm Way to miss the point.

JollyShortGiant · 15/07/2013 19:42

DS comes before DH.

My parents always put their four children first and still do. I have always felt very loved.

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 20:00

yes, you did. Spectacularly.

LondonMan · 15/07/2013 20:09

At my sister's wedding, it was preached that your spouse is supposed to come ahead of everyone else, including your parents, siblings and children. If they don't, you're not taking marriage as seriously as you are supposed to.

There has been a thread on this previously, it seems most don't agree with the church, and think children come first.

Obviously it depends on interpreting "comes first" sensibly. Children may have more urgent needs which you would deal with before those of an able-bodied adult you live with, but your spouse is supposed to be your most important relationship.

Greythorne · 15/07/2013 20:17

I have left my two small children with a trusted babysitter to go out for dinner with DH even when the DC have been less than happy about it.

Does that mean I love DH more than them?

No, of course not. But my need to have a nice dinner and conversation occasionally overrides their need to have their bedtime story from mummy.

exoticfruits · 15/07/2013 20:21

I don't see how you can possibly say.
On a simple level I remember staying with my brother when DS was about 5yrs, DS and I got in first when their dog had been alone all day- I remember saying to DS 'this is what it is like if you have a dog' as we went down the road in the 5pm gloom and drizzle- of course DS didn't want to go but the dog needed to go.
When my mother broke her leg I had to go off and help her and leave DCs. When BIL has a special birthday party we had to get a babysitter and leave them, when DS 1 had an evening play we had to get a babysitter for the younger ones- I could go on and on.
They are part of a family- it is give and take for all. You give priority to whoever needs it at the time. You don't want to end up with some 'spoilt little Emperors' who expect their needs to trump everyone elses.
Sometimes you can't always choose them. I was very glad that we never had to move them when they were at school, but twice it looked as if we might with DHs job- and he might well have been the priority.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/07/2013 20:22

Our ds1has just turned 18, he can be a pain with regard to his attitude, job prospects etc; he's very laid back, a nice, polite, well liked lad.

I will always back him up when dh complains about his lack of direction and where he should be looking for work.

I will always put the ds's first, isn't that a mother's instinct?

exoticfruits · 15/07/2013 20:25

When they get to about 6yrs they hate you going out and leaving them with a babysitter, I found, I just explained that we did things with their friends in the day and it was only fair that I got chance to do things with my friends. They get over it.

sonlypuppyfat · 15/07/2013 20:26

Its a different type of love I met my DH 28 years ago a life time of love together, when the DCs grow up and leave it will just us again is he supposed to be ignored and second best while the kids are here. Its our love that gives a happy contented home to grow up in.

Dilidali · 15/07/2013 20:26

LondonMan, whilst I respect your right for a point of view, I have trouble agreeing I should listen to what the church says I should do. Common sense should suffice.

exoticfruits · 15/07/2013 20:28

Maybe you and DS and DH ought to sit down together and discuss his attitude, job prospects etc. Quite possibly your DH is right and you are doing him no favours by enabling him to have a bad attitude.

exoticfruits · 15/07/2013 20:30

I wouldn't listen to what the church says- it is just as bad! People should come first according to their needs at the time.

sonlypuppyfat · 15/07/2013 20:30

I agree with LondonMan I think The Bible has a lot more experience of life than me

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